


The Three Faces Of Jared

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Smallville RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-18
Updated: 2009-03-12
Packaged: 2018-09-03 14:27:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 68,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8717449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Meet Jay Welling. He's married to a very rich man, living in a beautiful home. To the outside world he appears to be a withdrawn but sweet young man. To his husband, he's a prize. But deep down inside there's more to Jay, and 'they' are coming out. When Jensen meets the beguiling young man, he's not sure what to think- but he knows he wants him. (Banner made by Haylock, thank you so much!!!) (This story is based on the movie-novel 'The Three Faces of Eve'.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** [](http://s153.photobucket.com/albums/s222/pucknave/?action=view%C2%A4t=thmi.jpg)

Even if he had never put in a hard day’s work in his life, Tom felt glad to be home just the same. It was not his fault he was a trust fund baby that reaped the benefits of his father working his ass off and then dying in a work related accident. Really, it was Tom’s destiny to be well off, and if he chose to work, that was just because he enjoyed what he did. Being an architect, he was able to make his mark all over the world. He liked being able to take raw materials and make something substantial and beautiful. Take his husband, for instance. When Tom first found Jay, the boy would not look at him. So shy that it almost made Tom give up, it had taken Jay weeks to even say ‘hello’. Tom went to the coffee shop where Jay worked every day for months, drinking his java and knowing he was seeing some truly gorgeous raw material in Jay Padalecki.

 

It wasn’t just that Tom liked them tall and Jay was six five- there was also that weakness to the center of Jay. A certain frailty that came across so tangible it was as obvious as Jay’s height and large hands. He spoke in muted tones, whispering instead of making his presence really dominate a room. Tom was accustomed to owning any room he was in. He commanded any space he filled and liked it that way. Jay appealed to him first as a challenge and secondly as an acquisition. He patiently romanced the shy young man into dates, intimacies and then sex. Did it matter to Tom that Jay had been a virgin at twenty- one? Yes, it did. It made claiming Jay all the sweeter. There was no one else on his husband’s mind when they were in bed together. There was no one Jay would compare him to or miss. Jay was all his, entirely. When he coaxed Jay into changing his major from the arts to education, Tom knew he was making the best choices for the younger man. Jay didn’t put up any opposition and it gave his husband a small thrill to be able to rearrange his life. 

 

Of course, Jay didn’t know that Tom did any such thing. He felt that if Tom recommended something, it was most likely for the best. Tom had a well established life and career. He was confident, liked, he could have anyone in the world and he chose…Jay. To the younger man that was something of a miracle. He could hardly understand the choice Tom made in him. He had never been outside of his small hometown of Gatlin, but then Tom wanted to move- and they were suddenly in Dallas. Surrounded by other brilliant people with interesting things to say and exotic places they had just returned from. Jay felt out of his depth most of the time. He studied hard, wanting to make Tom proud. He never talked to anyone unless Tom said he should. He was attentive to making sure their home was spotless and that Tom never had to ask him twice to do anything.

 

There was the added incentive too that Jay came without a family. Jay’s parents had died when he was nineteen, and he had lost a brother years before that. No other relatives lived anywhere close by, especially since their move to Dallas. Jay had no one but Tom to turn to in any given situation.

 

In short, Jay was perfect.

 

Tom liked coming home and seeing his husband had cooked for them, a meal that was sure to please him. Jay was an excellent cook. There was a lot to be said for sitting down by your mate and telling them about your day as you relaxed, enjoying what they had prepared for you. Tom would have a drink as Jay cleared the table and did the dishes, all the while watching the economy of movement Jay possessed. He was clumsy if Tom commented on his grace, but left alone, Jay managed to exhibit some poise. Not much, but some. Tom appreciated having his diamond in the rough. He loved the backwardness that would sweep over Jay. How he would look to Tom for guidance or explanations, reassurances. Skittish and unsure, Jay managed to make Tom always feel incredibly satisfied. Masculine. His perfect match.

 

Walking into the house he had built for himself and his husband, Tom shut the door in his wake and took off his jacket, calling out.

 

“Jay? I’m home. Where are you?”

 

He seriously hoped Jay had not had another one of his headaches. Jay had one a few nights ago and Tom had to practically hold him up during the dinner they attended at the mayor’s house. It was not an event to just skip. Tom had contacts to keep and new alliances to make. So if Jay had been milk-pale all night and hung onto his arm? Well, there was no point in being sick and at home when you can be sick at a wonderful party instead. Jay made it through the night, managing to keep on his feet and then crash into their bed. Tom had taken it easy on him , only fucking Jay but not insisting on much participation. He did not feel slighted in the least fucking Jay as he lay there. It was rather erotic. Jay had been so pliant and slack, like a doll that was warm and could whimper. Tom would not mind doing that again. 

 

He removed his necktie, unbuttoning the top buttons of his shirt as he walked down the spacious hallway and up the stairs to their bedroom. If Jay was already lying down, Tom had plans for him. Opening the door of their bedroom, Tom was momentarily speechless. The deep black carpet was not pristine. It was littered. There were boxes and bags strewn over the floor and clothing spilt from bags bearing the names of designers that Tom knew well. Places he shopped for himself while Jay had always expressed limited or no interest in even being there. Jay was content in jeans and a t-shirt, unless Tom insisted on him dressing for an occasion. Tom chose Jay’s nice things for him, liking to dress his husband according to his own tastes. But the sight that blazed before Tom’s incredulous eyes was not vanishing. It was really there. A huge mess. A huge EXPENSIVE mess. The shopping spree had exploded over the bed and the leather chair by the walk-in closet was covered in some of Jay’s other, more well worn apparel. 

 

Hearing the shower running, Tom walked past the destruction to the master-bath. He stepped into the bathroom, seeing Jay’s shape on the other side of the hazy glass. Reining in his temper, Tom rapped his knuckles to the glass and saw Jay start in surprise. 

 

Jay slid the panel back and looked to Tom, hazel eyes seeming weary more than nervous as Tom had expected. Jay ran a hand through his wet hair, pushing it back from his brow before he spoke.

 

“Hey, I didn’t hear you come in. How was work?”

 

“I came home a little early. We have dinner plans tonight. Did you forget?”

 

Tom leaned a shoulder to the wall, running his eyes over Jay, checking for any telltale signs that his husband was playing with him. Pretending he had not totally fucked up. Tom would have taken Jay shopping. He had before. He would have even splurged on his husband if he was feeling generous, but it was unheard of for Jay to just spend his money. Jay was fucking penniless without him and Tom like it that way. He liked giving his husband gifts that Jay never could have afforded on his own. Jay never abused that benevolence from him before. Now, several thousands of dollars worth of clothing littered their bedroom in blatant display.

 

Moving back under the water, Jay rinsed off his face and then reached to turn off the water. He pulled a towel from the side rack, wiping over his face and chest as he stepped from the shower.

 

“Tonight? Oh. The thing at the Opal Room.”

 

Nodding, Tom frowned, thinking Jay might be the only person on the planet to sound so lackluster about seeing and being seen at a club that was world-renowned and exclusive. The food was gourmet and the clientele even more-so. Jay made it sound like a chore. Hitching his lips into a smile, Tom murmured, “At least you’ll have something to wear, right?”

 

Jay edged up a brow, wrapping a second towel around his waist. “The things in the other room?”

 

“Yeah, how about that. It looks like a hurricane hit.”

 

“I picked up some of it.” Jay informed him quietly. “I just wanted to take a shower before you got home. Do you want me to finish taking care of it?”

 

“That’d be nice. I hate a mess. You know that.”

 

Looking puzzled, Jay walked back into their bedroom. “I thought you might have plans for some of it. I didn’t want to mess it up if you were coming back to sort it. I mean, in case there were things you didn’t want. I wasn’t sure.”

 

“What?” Tom was not sure what Jay was saying now. Watching his damply gleaming husband picking pieces of clothing up to drape over the edge of the bed, Tom was sure he was missing something here. “What are you talking about? Why would *I* have plans for all this stuff you bought? I…” Seeing a black silk shirt, Tom lifted it, shaking his head. “What’s gotten into you?”

 

Pausing in carefully folding a pair of jeans that would be skin-tight to wear, Jay stared to Tom, feeling at a loss. “Tom? I didn’t buy this stuff. Why would I… I mean… I was home all day. I had a headache this morning and took a nap downstairs. I came up here about an hour ago and saw…”

 

Tom walked to his husband and cupped Jay’s chin, tipping his face closer. He stared into Jay’s guileless eyes as they stood in the chaos of clothing. “You’re serious? The stores had all this delivered? Then you went through it?”

 

“I looked at some of it… but… I didn’t think it was for me.” 

 

“That’s crazy. I’m having a talk with Emily tomorrow about who she lets in.” Tom shook his head, ready to give the housekeeper a piece of his mind. He was also going to ask her if Jay had gone out. It just wasn’t adding up. He could not imagine why Jay was lying to him about shopping but he had to be. The clothing was all in Jay’s size. Jay had credit cards. Sighing, Tom went to the door. “Get this shit cleaned up and put away. Then come down dressed. I don’t want to hear another word about it. You fucking well know better. I’m having a drink.”

 

Tom slammed the door, leaving Jay to take care of the wrecked bedroom. Jay looked sadly at the door for a moment, wondering what he had done wrong. He had never once used Tom’s credit cards without permission. Surely Tom didn’t think he went out and bought clothing he would never even wear. He lifted a black cowboy hat and turned it over in his hands, the rich leather smell strangely sweet. Jay tossed it towards the bureau top, amazed at the necklaces and cuff bracelets he found as well. No matter. He was only meant to find places for it all. He put the clothing away, glad Tom’s closet was so big. There was plenty of room. He saw his reflection in the mirror and looked away. He was not sure why Tom was angry, but it would blow over. As long as he was obedient, Tom always calmed down. He dressed in a dark suit, wearing his shirt unbuttoned to the base of his throat. Jay hardly ever checked his reflection. There was no reason to. Tom would tell him if he was acceptable or not. He padded down the hallway, hoping Tom was not angry with him. He should have picked up the entire mess before taking a shower. It was just a little crunch for time since he knew Tom liked him showered and dressed before he arrived home. Still. The mess had made Tom feel disgruntled right away and that wasn’t good. Jay entered the den, seeing Tom having a drink and sitting on the wide suede sofa, papers around him.

 

Tom glanced up when Jay entered, feeling mollified at the beauteous sight his husband presented. Even if he was a little vacant sometimes, Jay was so easy on the eyes. It almost made up for his lapses. Luckily, Tom did not mind correcting and guiding Jay.

 

“You look good. Why didn’t you wear any of the new stuff?”

 

Jay looked surprised at the question, shrugging uncomfortably. He did not want to insult Tom or his taste in clothing, knowing Tom was better versed in fashion than he was, but some of the clothing was too racy or revealing for him. He tugged at the collar of his shirt, smoothing it again, pulling his damp hair free of his nape.

 

“Do you want me to change?”

 

“No. You’re fine. Have a drink before we go.”

 

Looking at the mini-bar, Jay knew Tom was punishing him a little. He didn’t care for the taste of alcohol and it tended to got right to his head, but he wasn’t going to argue. Jay poured himself some Grey Goose and added orange juice, sipping it. He stayed by the bar until Tom waved him over to sit beside him. He sat next to his husband and Tom cupped the bottom of his glass, tipping it back sharply. Jay was forced to drink all of his screwdriver in big gulps, to save having it go all over him. Tom took the empty glass, sitting it aside before he smiled to Jay.

 

“You pissed me off leaving the room like that.”

 

“I know. I’m sorry.”

 

Tom slid his hand to the back of Jay’s head.

 

“Help me forgive you.”

 

Knowing what Tom wanted, Jay bent over his husband’s lap, knowing he was going to have to change jackets after all if he didn’t want to reek of sex. He unzipped Tom’s fly, reaching inside, taking Tom into his mouth just right.

 

***

 

Things were going well, or so Tom thought. He was engaged in an interesting conversation with a group of colleagues when he noticed Jay was no longer at their table. Tom kept glancing over towards the table, expecting Jay to reappear any moment, an apologetic smile in place as he resumed his place. Jay might have gone to the bathroom. That was understandable, but never would his husband just *leave* without him. It had never happened. Would never happen. Understandably, Tom was very distracted from his circle of friends. He gave Jay another fifteen minutes to appear, to no avail. That was…unconscionable. 

 

Tom went in search of his errant husband, checking the restrooms and the outer lobby of the premiere club. Then he spent a good long time walking around the outside of the building, wondering if Jay had come out for fresh air. He was at a loss. Jay never carried a cell-phone unless he was not with Tom. Now that was seeming like a bad idea. If Jay was having one of his headaches and angling for an early night, Tom was going to explain to him slowly and succinctly why he was more than capable of sitting down and being quiet, even with his little moments. Headaches. Tom laughed sharply, thinking of how classic that excuse was. He had found it cute at first, so fifties housewife- and he made no bones about it not standing in the way of what he wanted. Jay never pressed the point, so how bad could his head be hurting? 

 

Impatient and angry, Tom collected his coat from the checker and then asked for Jay’s, being informed that the coat was already picked up.

 

Son of a bitch.

 

Telling himself not to lose his temper, Tom was still royally pissed off. After all, he was only Jay’s *husband*- why should he be informed if his little lovebird was flying home? Jay must have taken a cab, but Tom did not recall giving Jay any money before leaving the house. Unless Jay still had the credit cards from his earlier shopping spree. 

 

Once he arrived home, Tom went straight to their bedroom, prepared to give Jay a piece of his mind. But the room was empty. The suit Jay had been wearing was bunched up and thrown into the corner. It was just the icing on the cake that the walk-in closet was lit up, showing Jay had changed. Changed and…gone out again. Without a word. Jay never… never…went out. He was so reticent to go to clubs and bars that Tom had to drag him along and then keep a close watch on him. Jay never knew what to do if flirted with and usually resorted to showing his wedding band and letting Tom give any hopeful poachers a warning look. Tom liked that Jay was desired, but that was as far as his generous spirit went. Other people could look, but that was all. He saw a glint to the floor of the walk in closet and crouched down, seeing a gold band there, the inset diamonds catching the light. Jay’s wedding band. Tossed down as casually as the clothing in the other room. Tom growled in his confused anger, hand closing around the ring as he stood, holding it tightly.

 

So Jay wanted to test the waters. See how far he could go. That was fine. Just fine. Tom would be waiting for his wandering spouse to come back home. He would give Jay til morning before he went looking for him. Matters were going to be addressed with immediate results. Jay was not going to be confused about what was and was not acceptable, that was for damned sure.


	2. Chapter 2

God, he needed this. It was too loud inside the club, but Sam was feeling no pain. The moment he left the Opal Room- and most especially Tom Welling- he had felt so much better. It was nothing to charm an older gentleman outside the Opal for cab fare, using a smile that was a sexual favor all its own. Sam was eager to enjoy his evening and not be sequestered off into a corner and maybe have some Me-Tarzan-You-Jay sex later. He wondered how Jay could stand it. It was so boring. Demeaning too, if you cared about that sort of thing. Some alpha male using you to get off and not even caring if you came? Please. Sam usually watched the proceedings in the Wellings’ marital bed with great censure. He had stopped telling Jay his opinions though. When Jay heard him, it only made him tighten up even more into a bigger knot of fear and paranoia. Hearing ‘voices’ could do that to you, even when the voices were right. Jay never laughed, even when Sam *knew* what he was saying was hilarious. Then again, maybe Jay didn’t want to burst into laughter while being hammered by the Tom. Hard to say. Jay was either just that broken in or had no idea there was any other way to be.

 

Sam did not share Jay’s sense of acceptance.

 

He tried to keep his head down for the most part when it might get Jay into trouble, but eventually he had to stretch his legs and have some fun. When Jay was younger, Sam’s antics had landed the quiet young man in detentions in high school and a near arrest for fighting. Jay had proved to be real mystery to the police when they showed up to see the bleeding guy on the ground and Jay nervously looking down at the big man, tearfully telling the police he had no idea why the man was saying he was assaulted. After all, Jay had watched the man calling 911 as he himself was trying to figure out where he was and why. Jay hadn’t really gotten a punch in. Sam had done it for him. Taking over the minute the older man got out of hand. Sam had ‘assaulted’ the hell out of the other man, but that’s what you got for not taking him at his word that you weren’t going to get any. The beaten man did not press charges after all, once he saw the police glancing at his wedding ring, considering his proximity to a gay bar. It didn’t add up to anything good for Mr. Homemaker, and Jay was a minor then. After some mumbled curses , the married man had left the scene. Jay was given a ride to his apartment by the baffled cops, looking so woebegone that they apologized to HIM after dropping him off. Telling Jay to ‘take it easy’ and ‘be careful’. The officers just could not believe the skinny kid with the big doe eyes had attacked anyone. It just didn’t fit.

 

On the whole, Sam never minded handling the dirty jobs. He could take a hit for Jay or dish some out if need be- but usually, and this was an embarrassing fact of his existence, Jay was stronger than him. Kept him pushed down and away like a dirty little secret that even JAY didn’t quite know. Jay was not aware of Sam- even if Sam knew all about Jay. If only they could treat the body like a time-share, Sam would have been somewhat pacified. Instead he had to wait until Jay lost some of his vigilance or felt overwhelmed. The headaches were the pressure Sam applied when he was fed up with waiting for his all-too-brief turns. He had sat through so many quiet dinners at home and blowjobs on demand. He sometimes told Jay how to speed up the oral sex process but Jay staunchly refused to do anything LIKE penetrating Master Tom so yeah, sore jaw was the order of the day. If Tom could hear the comments inside Jay’s mind while he was being sucked by Jay, it might make him lose his hard-on. Cutting and oh-so creative, Sam was not adverse to telling Jay when he was swallowing his way to sainthood. It wasn’t that Sam objected to sex. He was a huge fan of sex and tried to get some as quick as he could when in charge of the body. No, Sam loved sex- he just didn’t love sex with the husband. Jay’s husband. Tom was not something Sam would want in his mouth, thank you. Sam was heartily unimpressed with Tom. He had a wide range of words he used to describe Tom and none of them would ever be used in a Valentine’s Day card.

 

He smiled ferally and ran his tongue across his teeth, eyes scanning the crowded dance floor for something tasty. He was feeling good and ready to find a conquest and have one off before calling it a night. He knew his loose silk shirt was moving over him enough to make it evident how toned his body was. How good he would feel. No button downs or corduroy for Sam. He was much more sensualistic in his choices. He liked clothing that hugged him, caressed and flaunted his physicality. He was relieved that Tom had not gotten rid of his new clothing, having a moment’s concern when Tom was bitching about all of it. Tom had a way of bitching that sounded conversational but Sam suspected was Tom verbally jerking himself off before he really said what was on his mind. Tom liked to hear himself talk and woe to anyone- especially Jay- that interrupted the modern day Socrates mid-speech. Jay had learned right away that he was to listen and never argue with Tom. Ever. It drove Sam up the wall, but what could you do? Jay was not going to just listen to Sam, he was afraid to.

 

The throbbing music lured Sam from his Tom-bashing thoughts and he kicked himself into gear. He did not have all the time in the world, after all. Jay would wake up eventually and he needed to have the body home before that happened. Sam put on his killer smile and eased into the mass of bodies, feeling hands graze him in passing appreciation and definite invitation. Soon, soon, his smile promised all of them. He was a pro at this game. He was scoring free drinks within minutes just by meandering close to the bar. He could play every nuance of his long muscled body until he knew that his current admirer was not looking anywhere else. Sam knew he was beautiful. He also knew he could make a cocktease look kind by comparison. He could tease every part of whoever had his attention, mercilessly kicking up their interest until he either let them have some or found someone new to play with. He did not have to have money to come to the Velvet Snake Lounge. He was born with all he needed to work the nightclub scene.

 

***

 

He so did not belong here. Jensen Ackles was trying. He really was, but he was not in the mood to be groped or get sloppy drunk. It was all well and good that Chris and Steve thought he needed to be out, getting over his last boyfriend Milo, however, he wasn’t feeling it. The place was noisy as hell, techno music rattling the floor and walls, hitting him like a wave. He could tell some of the patrons were on something or a few somethings, ready for a Roman orgy if it came along. Not really the place for him. He was a writer, used to being in front of his laptop working out other people and their problems. He wrote more dialogue than he actually spoke himself. He certainly figured out his characters’ issues with more aplomb and finesse than he did his own. Milo had said as much while throwing all of his things into a suitcase. Jensen remembered every word.

 

He could not shake how he was accused of not really caring either way if Milo came or went. That wasn’t true. Maybe he was not overly emotional but he genuinely liked Milo. He was not going to lie and say it was forever or that he wanted ‘more’ when Milo already was over all the time. He was not asking Milo to move in when home was also where he worked. Was that so wrong? He just wanted his peace and his work, with a boyfriend on the side. Except his ala-mode got pissed off and left him. Told Jensen not to call him or try to say he really cared. Which was not fair. Jensen frowned into his drink and tossed it back. He turned to tell Chris he had downed three drinks and had done his part to go ‘out’ but Chris’ face was attached to Steve’s. 

 

Sighing, Jensen shook his head and looked for the bartender. The least he could do now was get drunk. It might help him sleep later, which would be a plus. Unfortunately the bartender was not coming his way at the moment. The young man with the shaved head and perfectly muscled body was not tending his bar properly and the reason for his ineptitude was leaning to the bar and chatting with him. Jensen narrowed his eyes as he saw the distraction was really understandable. Tall. Jensen had never seen legs that long encased in snug black leather pants that seemed to work on the other man. More Jim Morrison in his heyday than motorcycle bitch. The long-tall stranger smiled to the bartender, cocking his head and making the sweetest moue with his lips, like he was tasting something good. Jensen felt his body responding and cursed inwardly. He was not on the make tonight. He needed to be home. Alone. Working. He was glaring as he told himself all the reasons to stop looking at the mouth-watering brunette when the object of his scrutiny looked his way.

 

Jensen wasn’t sure the guy was even making a point of looking at *him* so much as always casting his slanted eyes over everyone around him. Like a kid in a candy-store pondering which treat he was going to choose. Since Jensen was pretty sure that whoever the guy was, he had not come out looking for a writer of novels to rock his world, he turned back to his drink. He had lifted it before he remembered he was down to ice. Fuck it anyway. Jensen chomped a sliver of ice and contemplated just swiping Chris’ drink. He doubted his friends would notice since they were making those noises already. He sure as hell couldn’t count on the bartender ever leaving the beautiful guy to come and do his job. He was ready to steal Chris’ drink when he had another Jack and Coke put down in front of him, from the side. Jensen started in surprise and looked up, seeing the guy he had been staring at smiling down to him.

 

“You were getting tired of waiting.”

 

Sam smiled at the man that was eyeing him so suspiciously. Of course, whoever this man was, he was not used to bars. He barely lifted his head and was oblivious to the admiring glances coming his way. Obviously not a regular. Not even cruising, but Sam knew when he was being admired. He let his hip brush the pretty blond man’s side as he leaned in, adding.

 

“I’m Sam.”

 

Jensen blinked, thinking he might need to drink before talking after all. He cleared his throat and used his self-control to keep from looking down the line of Sam’s throat to where his shirt was open, revealing his collarbone and the top of his smooth chest. He licked over his lips and nodded.

 

“Jensen.”

 

“Jensen.” Sam rolled the name over his tongue and smiled, hazel eyes gleaming like a cat eyeing a particularly interesting downed bird. He rested his elbows to the bar, leaning just enough to Jensen’s own arm and shoulder to show he was friendly. “You look bored. I hate being bored. It eats away time… and time’s very…very precious. Come dance with me.”

 

“I… I don’t dance…” Jensen had to speak up a little over the music but if Sam heard him, it was obvious he was being ignored. Sam took his wrist and pulled him from his barstool like he had agreed. Surprised at being tugged along, Jensen realized just how tall Sam was. Since Jensen was 6’2, it was fair to say he was used to being the aggressor- but Sam topped him. No, Sam was *taller* than him. Not a good time to think in terms of being topped. Jensen yelled by Sam’s ear as they were wading into the moving ocean of people. “Seriously! Sam! I don’t dance!”

 

“That’s okay.” Sam replied, finding them a place under the lights. He put a hand to Jensen’s ass and pulled the other man close, saying next to the skin of his throat. “You can just watch me.”

 

Jensen wanted to say something smart about how Sam was pretty sure of himself, but it would have been hollow since he wanted to see whatever Sam showed him. There was no harm in looking. Sam took Jensen’s silence for acquiescence and rightly so. There was nothing in Jensen’s eyes that said he wasn’t willing to watch.

 

Sam moved like Jensen had paid for it. It was poetry in motion, or if not poetry, definitely an explicit limerick. There was nothing but sex in Sam’s body. He danced inches from Jensen’s body, hips rocking and slowly twisting to the rhythm, his arms lifting over his head. Jensen watched Sam’s long fingers driving through his dark hair, lifting the curls from his neck and brow, making it messier. Jensen didn’t miss it when other dancers brushed close or flush to Sam, rubbing and appreciative. It shouldn’t have pissed him off, but it did a little. He didn’t want to share Sam right away. For whatever time he had Sam’s attention, he wanted to be able to enjoy it. God knows he wouldn’t be coming out again any time soon, so this needed to last him. Jensen felt Sam’s hands go to his hips and caught his breath, eyes flying to Sam’s before Sam’s lips were whispering over the shell of his ear.

 

“Don’t look at them. They’re not even there. Just me. Just you… Move, Jensen… come with my hands… Don’t think about it. It’s so easy. I’ll show you…”

Past his stalled denials over dancing, Jensen was swept up. Sam was holding him and drawing him forward and pushing him back, showing him the loose and languid flow of his own body. Finding it when it always seemed to escape Jensen. He had never felt like he was sexy dancing, but Sam was guiding him, making it seem elemental. He shuddered when Sam’s tongue circled his ear, a low hushed laugh brushing there. Jensen leaned into Sam and groaned faintly when Sam ground against him. Leather pants did not hide a damned thing and Jensen’s cock appreciated that, through the rough rub of his jeans. God. He turned his face up, looking at Sam.

 

“This is… you…”

 

Jensen knew he was not making any sense and tried again, seeing how Sam smiled at him so beatifically.

 

“I never dance.”

 

The soft admission from Jensen made Sam laugh and it wasn’t a mocking laugh. It was delighted.

 

“I never get to either.”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing.” Sam shook his head and pulled Jensen closer, nudging one of his legs between Jensen’s with pure invitation. “Not important. Why talk about nevers when we’re doing something we like?” He eyed Jensen’s mouth and whispered. “I love your lips. So full… perfect…”

 

Jensen blushed and knew he was not exactly handling this situation. He was used to being the one a bit more assertive and in control. His height was part of that but also his need to have things just so. He liked being able to call the shots so that things did not become over complicated or distracting. He preferred to save the drama and conflict for the pages of his best selling novels. It was like a drug dealer not wanting to take their own supply. Or maybe he took too much from Scarface. Not exactly source material for healthy relationships. Right now he was being fucked slowly through his clothes. He looked down to where Sam’s leg was tucked between his own, pressing up and into his groin. Maybe, he told himself, he thought too much.

 

“I don’t do one night stands.”

 

The words surprised Jensen because he was just thinking it and planning to make his escape before his dick did all his thinking for him. Instead of looking offended or annoyed, Sam just laughed. He kissed Jensen hard over the lips, his tongue sliding in past Jensen’s shocked gasp. The kiss was there, branding and blatant before Sam said, “You don’t dance either.”

 

Hotly blushing, Jensen tried to regain his equilibrium, feeling his lips tingling from the sharp kiss. His green eyes blazed to Sam’s.

 

“You don’t even know me.”

 

“I know…parts of you.” Sam responded as if that was making it all okay. 

 

Fully intending to tell Sam that he wasn’t an easy lay, Jensen had to wait to do so when Sam turned to pull him through the crowd again. Heading for the beer garden and Jensen knew what happened out there in the dark. The beer garden was closed off from the street, a tall wall of stone that encircled the patio area off of the Velvet Snake Lounge. Jensen knew Chris and Steve wouldn’t be coming to his rescue. If anything, they’d clap Sam on the back and tuck a fifty into his pocket.

 

The cool air of the garden hit Jensen’s sweaty skin and he breathed in the freshness. He heard the door close behind him and knew he better start talking.

 

“Sam…look, man…it’s not that I don’t want to…”

 

Sam was obviously agitated at the stance Jensen was taking, his eyes frank and disappointed. He put a finger to Jensen’s lips to stop the words he didn’t want to hear. He smiled and tugged Jensen close by his belt loops.

 

“Hey, you don’t have to say anything. It’s just for fun… I promise, you’ll be coming and back at the bar with a smile before you even know it…”

 

The words went right to Jensen’s crotch and he had Sam and his own erection arguing against him here. He closed his eyes a moment, feeling Sam licking at the salty flesh of his neck. Jensen’s head fell back and he groaned hotly, one hand lifting to cup Sam’s tangled hair and grip.

 

“Holy…”

 

Jensen breathed the single word, legs feeling weak from the very practiced hand sliding between his legs to jerk and squeeze at his risen flesh. Sam was making him forget his own name with that maneuver and it was dirty pool. How was he supposed to think straight when this provocative and hot blooded young man was so hell-bent on getting him out of his pants? Hearing voices in the garden as other patrons came out, Jensen snapped out of the haze. He reached down and caught Sam’s wrist, holding on and pulling Sam’s hand back and away.

 

“I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t. It’s just not me.”

 

Sam made the most frustrated sound and Jensen was reminded of a kid being denied a cookie. He smiled hopefully to Sam, asking gently.

 

“Maybe I could have your number… and we could…you know…go out some time… or something.”

 

Sam rolled his eyes and jerked his wrist from Jensen’s grip. He could not *believe* this. He had gambled on Jensen being a sure thing and now he wasn’t getting any. At all. He had to get back home before Jay woke up and took over, which would leave them stranded only God knew where if Jay panicked. FUCK. He shook his head and smiled sharply.

 

“Sorry, Jensen. Can’t. I’m turning into a pumpkin pretty soon.”

 

“What?”

 

It was understandable that Jensen would not understand the huge inconvenience he was being, but Sam was in no mood for it right now. He didn’t have time for another pull tonight. He was already annoyed and horny as hell. He shook his head and lightly tapped a finger under Jensen’s chin.

 

“You were just so pretty and alone. It was worth a try. I have to go.”

 

Sam smiled fleetingly and pulled away from Jensen, not wanting to go off on the guy just because he wasn’t up for some fun. It wasn’t Jensen’s fault that Sam lived in his current situation. He gave Jensen one last long look before turning and leaving him in the shadowed corner of the garden.

 

“Wait…”

 

Jensen started to follow and felt a draft, realizing his damned zipper was down. He had not realized he was that close to having his cock out in public. By the time he had himself in order, he was alone. Sam just took off like there was nothing else to do or talk about. Jensen was dazed. He had never met anyone so bold and blazing and then… gone. Sam was mercurial and hypnotic. More of a handful that Jensen had ever anticipated. In the light of all that animal heat, how had Jensen reacted?

 

He had turned Sam down.

 

God.

 

But if Sam did this sort of thing often, then maybe he was the last person Jensen should worry about having passed over. If he could just get the vision of Sam to fade, he knew he’d feel justified in his decision. Sam really was that beautiful. Enough that he’d make you rethink whatever morals you came in the door with. Stupid, stupid, stupid, Jensen told himself, thinking of how Sam seemed so eager to fool around. They could have done something but noooo, he had to get in his own way and throw a wrench in things. Now Sam was off finding someone more interesting and certainly luckier than Jensen Ackles. Swearing at himself, Jensen went back into the club, knowing what face he’d see tonight when he got himself off. Alone.

 

***

 

He waited until he was just about to go out looking, thinking of how incredibly irresponsible Jay was being. It went beyond any behavior Tom might have expected or anticipated. This was just not like Jay. Nothing about it struck ‘true’. The more he thought about it, the angrier Tom became. Each tick of the antique grandfather clock behind him was a metronome rhythm to his escalating temper. When the front door opened and Jay walked in, Tom felt the need to grab his spouse. Make certain Jay knew right away that he was not just going to traipse in and out of their home like it was a hotel. Tom grabbed his husband’s arm as Jay entered the house and jerked him forward, hearing a low snarl from Jay. 

 

“Where the FUCK have you been? I walked around that entire parking lot looking for you! I come home and you’ve already changed and LEFT? Where the hell were you? Have you been DRINKING?”

 

Tom was prepared for something like an excuse or an apology. He might even have accepted Jay just begging for him to please calm down. Those were accepted forms of response. What he received instead was a hard shove to his chest before Jay hissed at him like a skinned cat.

 

“Get your hands off of me, you prick!”

 

Taking advantage of Tom’s shock, Sam pushed harder and twisted his twist in Tom’s grasp, breaking free of the other man’s hold. Then Sam recalled that Jay was the one that Tom was thinking to talk to. Jay, who would be horrified over Sam’s natural reactions to being shoved around. Sam backed away from Tom and tried to mollify him, one hand held up.

 

“Why don’t we talk about this in the morning? When we’re not so tired…”

 

“What did you call me?”

 

Tom half-smiled, cocking his head to the side. He still felt the surprise over Jay fighting him and shoving him, but it was a strange brew. He was half aroused by this challenge his husband was throwing at him- and half…enraged. He advanced on Jay, seeing that someone was thinking twice about their rebellious uprising.

 

“Say it again, Jay? What was it? A prick?”

 

Sam’s mouth tightened and he glared at Tom, trying to maintain his impatience. He was not liking the way Tom looked at him…at all. Tom was all well and good for Jay, but Sam had no interest in fucking the megalomaniac. Tom was definitely wanting some payback for being pushed, for any sign of defiance from ‘Jay’. Sam took a deep breath and a step back, keeping some space between them.

 

“Look, I’m sorry, alright? I… you just caught me unawares… and I wasn’t…thinking…”

 

Tom lunged at Jay, shoving him hard and fast to the wall. Hard enough to knock the air out of him, shut him up a moment. Tom looked down over Jay’s body, seeing the clothing that showed off what no one else had the right to touch but him. Grabbing the front of the black silk shirt, Tom ripped it open, hearing buttons rain to the floor. He smiled to Jay, leaning in to bite hard at the side of his husband’s throat. The way Jay twitched for him made Tom smile.

 

“You’re going to be sorry, Jay. I’ll show you how sorry to be.”

 

Jay growled, and there was no other word for it, it was a growl. That was all the warning Tom had before Jay slammed a fist into his nose. Falling back away from Jay in pain and amazement, Tom cupped a hand to his bleeding nose and then clenched his fist.

 

“Oh, you want to play rough?”

 

Sam thought he just might want to take Tom up on that- but then he hit the floor. Blinding pain rushed at his temples. No. No. Not now. Sam tried to push Jay back, but it wasn’t working. Jay was rising inside of him and Sam was not able to hold on. He had the final feel of Tom’s kick to his belly before he was losing his grip. 

 

There was a certain satisfaction in hearing the muffled yelp that tore from Jay at the savage kick to his belly. Jay looked up at Tom and saw his husband lifting his foot again, scrambling back in shock from the sight.

 

“Tom! Tom, please…please…what…-”

 

“Singing a different song now, aren’t you?” 

 

Tom wrenched Jay up by his hair and looked into wide, frightened hazel eyes. He shook Jay hard in his grip, not feeling a hint of resistance. Not even a flicker of that fight left. Jay was looking sick and cowed. Exactly as he should.

 

“Where were you? Tell me, Jay.”

 

“I… I don’t know.”

 

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying. I swear. I swear, I don’t know. I remember we were at the Opal Room… then… “ Jay almost seemed terrified to recount the nothingness that he had to share. “I don’t know.”

 

Tom slapped him across the mouth, driving him to the floor. As Jay started to push up onto his hands, Tom stood over him, the threat evident in his posture.

 

“You stay down. I swear to God, if you get up right now, I’ll kill you. Do you hear me? You’re not going to be a whore, Jay. You aren’t going to ruin our lives and everything we have. Do you want to leave me? Do you like hurting me?”

 

Confused and injured, Jay kept his body slack, trying to dredge up any hint of what Tom wanted to know. Any memory. Anything. Just to make this stop. His lip was bleeding and he swallowed the blood down, whispering, “No, Tom. I love you. I never want to hurt you. I’m so sorry.”

 

“The thing is… you’ve never been a good liar. I can tell you aren’t lying now. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this? You tell me. What, are you having some breakdown? Is that it? If you had any family, I’d be calling and asking THEM- but you’ve got me. I’m it. It falls on me to figure this out.”

 

Jay felt hot tears stinging his eyes and then sliding down his cheeks. Tom was all he had. He knew that. He knew that he was nothing and no one if Tom did not want him and care for him. He grimaced in pain and looked up to Tom, still whispering.

 

“I wish I knew what was wrong. I never meant to hurt you.”

 

Tom paced back and forth and then sighed. “Get up. Go get cleaned up…and throw that shirt away. I’ll be up in a few minutes and I want you clean and in our bed.”

 

As Jay slowly got to his feet, Tom licked some of Jay’s blood from his knuckles and remarked.

 

“I’m making you an appointment with my doctor. We’re going to see about your headaches and once that’s out of the way, I think you’d do well with some prescriptions. To help you stay…calm.”

 

Jay paused in walking up the stairs, hearing a furious whisper at the back of his mind mimicking Tom. It was scary as hell to hear a voice that wanted him to turn back to Tom and tell him to go to hell or worse. Tense, Jay just nodded.

 

“Whatever you say.”

 

Tom smiled at the reply. That was more like it.


	3. Chapter 3

Jay promised Tom that he wanted to make things right. He needed to be ‘better’ and ‘well’. Already his headaches and blackouts were stressing out Tom to no end. The fact that Jay could not remember anything about his ‘outings’ was not any comfort. He consented to seeing the physician that Tom took him to, not that he was really asked. Tom made the appointment with Dr. Goddard and Jay was submitted to having his head scanned and answering a battery of questions about his ‘spells’. The medical doctor was frustrated by the lack of any anomalies, his expertise not availing the Wellings anything useful. At the physician’s recommendation, Tom begrudgingly made an appointment for Jay to speak to a renowned psychiatrist. 

 

A psychiatrist. The very idea put Jay on edge. He did not want to be declared insane over headaches. He could not see ‘this’ doctor coming up with anything more than the first one. There was no tumor to blame his blackouts on, but he might have preferred that to being announced crazy. Still, he did not present any argument to Tom’s wishes. Tom wanted to utilize every avenue of possibility. Tom wanted Jay to be normal, back to the way he was before. Jay desperately hoped it was possible. Sometimes he felt like a stranger in his own life. He was confused by the fact that he had actually attacked Tom- and it was the main reason he was so eager to cooperate with any given specialist he was put in front of. He wanted one of the doctors to find *something*- and then fix it. Fix him. If it was as simple as taking a pill, Jay would consent. He just wanted his peace back. He could not trust himself around Tom if there was a chance that he might be a danger to his husband. Tom’s nose had been broken by Jay’s assault. Tom had been forced to defend himself, and Jay did not even recall the incident past waking up being kicked. He rubbed both hands over his face, feeling like he was betraying Tom. Tearing their life together apart with his instability.

 

“Mr. Welling?”

 

The receptionist read the name from her appointment book and Tom stood, Jay doing so as well. Tom put a hand to Jay’s back and then they walked back together to the office of Dr. Jeffrey Morgan. Jeffrey Morgan was a very highly respected psychiatrist in the Dallas area. Tom had called around discreetly to ask for the best, not wanting to waste nay more of his time than he had to. Dr. Morgan would help Jay, and if he did not- Tom was willing to seek another specialist until he found someone that could return his husband to him complete. Not so depressed and then, violent. Taking off. Lying. Tom had called the stores since Jay’s shopping spree and confirmed it was his husband that bought every last item. However, Jay had signed some of the receipts ‘S.Black’. Tom was not sure what to think of that, and so he kept it to himself. For now.

 

They were admitted into a handsome office, the room radiated rich, mellow tones. It was comfortably furnished with a wide dark oak desk dominating the corner, and two large chairs before the desk. There was also a couch, but it was against the other wall, books on one leather bound cushion. It seemed Dr. Morgan spent a lot of time in his office. The room possessed a ‘lived-in’ feel. Jay barely glanced around, sitting where Tom directed him to. His shoulders were curved forward, his head hung while he waited. 

 

Dr. Morgan did not keep them idling for long. The older man entered the office , wearing a nice dress shirt and tie, dress slacks, Italian leather loafers. It was apparent he was well-off but not gone to seed in the least. Jeff had shrewdly intelligent eyes, his face suggesting sensuality tempered with strength. His dark hair was gilded with silver at his temples, adding to his air of maturity and confidence. He shook Tom’s hand and then Jay knew he was being looked at.

 

With a soft sigh, Jay lifted his gaze to Dr. Morgan’s, trying to smile politely. He shifted nervously in his seat, “Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Dr. Morgan.”

 

“Jeff is fine.” 

 

Surveying Jay, Jeff could see right away that the young man was painfully self-conscious. He did not seem to know what to do with himself. Jay’s hands flickered over the arms of the chair, fingers glancing to his neck or collar, resting briefly to his lap, his belly and then back to the chair. So agitated and Tom did not ease his husband in any way. In fact, Tom seemed to take it for granted that Jay would be uncomfortable.

 

“Do you know why you’re here, Jay? Would you like to tell me about the headaches? That seems like a good place to start.”

 

Averting his eyes, Jay murmured. “I’ve always had them, for as long as I can remember. They weren’t this bad before though. Now I have them and I wake up hours later. I don’t remember deciding to take a nap or go anywhere. Sometimes, it just …happens.”

 

Tom cleared his throat, adding, “He’ll go out and then come back all hours. Spends money and forgets it. Loses things. He took off his wedding ring and left it behind-”

“Tom.” Jeff interjected in a patient tone. “Would you mind waiting in the lobby? I think Jay might feel less attacked or pressured if this session was one on one. You understand. Your husband’s mental health is the most important aspect here.”

 

Closing his mouth with a snap, Tom glanced to Jay- but Jay was only looking at the Boston fern in the corner. Since he did not want to seem like an ass, Tom nodded and stood.

 

“I’ll just be right outside then.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Jeff waited until Tom had exited the office before he redirected his attention to Jay.

 

“Now, where were we? You said you’ve always had these headaches. On a scale of one to ten can you describe the pain they cause you?”

 

Haunted hazel eyes widened, the question seeming multilayered to Jay. The physical pain was overshadowed by the damage to his marriage. His husband barely trusted him to go to school or the grocery store. 

 

“The pain is enough to knock me out. It’s fast, I’d say a seven. It doesn’t last for long usually… unless…”

 

He blushed deeply and then clenched his hands into fists.

 

“… If I can rest or be alone- the headaches don’t last as long.”

 

Jeff listened closely, his brow furrowed before he asked.

 

“What is happening in your life that you cannot rest when you are feeling ill?”

 

Discomfited, Jay flicked his eyes over Dr. Morgan and then to the floor. How could he tell Jeff that sometimes Tom wanted sex, no matter how he was feeling? Tom never let the headaches stand in the way if he was in the mood. That tended to draw them out, and only after Tom was away would the blackness come. 

 

Jay’s prolonged silence was duly noted. Jeff tried a different tact.

 

“You have a bruise on your throat. Is that from a blackout?”

 

Resisting the urge to touch the mark on his neck, Jay burned with a blush. He briefly shook his head in negation. Tom’s bites were all over him, but usually hidden by clothing. He swallowed convulsively, thinking of how many pitfalls there were here, in this office. Who knew what Dr. Morgan would make of his answers and then, what might be said to Tom. Jay tried to change the subject.

 

“I do things and I don’t know it’s happened or why. It’s nothing important to me. It’s never planned. I don’t remember where I’ve been. Who I talked to, if anyone. But I am …scared…I am. I know I can’t be allowed to hurt anybody. I hurt Tom.”

 

Jay bit into his lip and felt his heart rate picking up, as he considered what was disturbing him most. He readied himself to ask even as he heard a whispering in his head telling him to ‘shut up already’. He squeezed his eyes closed, needing to know.

 

“Is it bad if…I’m hearing voices?”

 

“Not necessarily.” Jeff answered mildly, seeing how Jay paled at his inquiry. “What do they say?”

 

Jay felt a warning twinge in his head, rubbing the heel of his hand to his brow.

 

“Awful things. Just… mean. Usually bad stuff about… about Tom.”

 

“What about Tom?”

 

Jay looked towards the far door like his husband might be standing there. He plucked nervously at the front of the long sleeved button down shirt he wore, wondering how to answer.

 

“Like he’s… wrong… or doing me wrong. Sometimes, I hear how I could hurt him. How he needs hurting. Maybe I should run away. Just hit the road. Things like that. Nothing good.”

 

The young man’s eyes were intense on his face and Jeff found himself in a quandary. Jay might be the consummate actor. He might be able to pull off the waif look and then hide whatever was really bothering him behind a martyrdom complex. That was a possibility. Jay might even enjoy the attention he gained from his husband and now other concerned parties as he explored his negative feelings towards Tom. While Jeff was considering these things, a shaky sound left Jay.

 

“It’s real bad, isn’t it? It’s something serious. It’s in MY voice. It’s my voice but sounds so strange. You know it’s bad and you just don’t want to tell me!”

 

Jeff started to rise, but Jay was dropping lower into his hair, slumping down like a plug had been pulled. The doctor saw the young man was still breathing, just seemingly deeply frightened over a potential diagnosis. Moving closer, Jeff put a hand to Jay’s arm.

 

“Jay?”

 

There was no response for a moment and then Jay’s head lifted. Jeff gently squeezed Jay’s upper arm, drawing the boy’s eyes to his grasping hand. Jay smiled oddly and met Jeff’s concerned gaze.

 

“Jay?”

 

“No.”

 

The response was simple but emphatic. The young man stretched out, long legs going into a more relaxed sprawl, belly lifting and dropping to find a more comfortable position. Jeff was momentarily at a loss before he took his hand back. He noticed that Jay was looking around the office, obviously not finding Jeff intimidating now in favor of taking in his surroundings. Jay tipped his chair up on its back legs, using his feet to balance himself as he leisurely studied the room and then gave Jeff his attention again.

 

There should not have been anything about Jay Welling that Jeff found baffling, but when Jay smiled at him, it felt like the room was warmer. Maybe Jay had caught his second wind, but the doctor was finding it unusual how much more poised his patient seemed now. That simple ‘no’ was still in the air between them. Jeff decided he needed to get a handle on this situation.

 

“So ‘no’ you don’t want to talk about yourself or ‘no’ you aren’t Jay?”

 

A smile curved the young man’s lips and his eyes gleamed in amusement.

 

“I don’t mind talking about myself. Never really get to. And no…I’m not Jay. Can’t you tell the difference? I’m the shy one. My name’s Sam. You scared Jay into running off.”

 

“How did I scare ‘Jay’?” Jeff asked, going to sit at the edge of his desk. He wondered if the young man was toying with him, but he could listen and see whatever ruse Jay had prepared. If Jay just wanted to avoid talking about his problems, they could explore other facets of his mind. Jeff could be patient. As long as Jay was talking, he was revealing himself, no matter what he chose to say.

 

Sam tugged at his collar and stood, kicking his chair back out of his way some as he stood before Jeff.

 

“He’s afraid he’s crazy. That Tom won’t love him anymore. Shit like that.”

 

Despite the situation, Jeff could not help but notice that ‘Sam’ spoke in a deeper voice than Jay. Lower and lazier, just taking his own sweet time with what he wanted to say.

 

“But *you* aren’t afraid, Sam? You aren’t worried about losing your husband?”

 

“HA!”

 

Sam barked a laugh and rolled his eyes.

 

“Like he’d have a snowball’s chance in hell with me! I’d never marry anybody, but if I did- it wouldn’t be that son of a bitch.”

 

Good-natured tone and all, Jeff could tell Sam still felt a passionate dislike for his husband. Or…Jay’s husband. The doctor narrowed his eyes and asked.

 

“So you don’t make love to your… to Tom?”

 

“I’d like to see him try.”

 

Tilting that evil little grin, Sam scratched idly over his belly before asking.

 

“Do you mind if I take this off? The detergent is itchy. It’s bugging me.”

 

Jeff thought he might shame himself as a grown man and physician by blushing. He was not dead below the waist, but usually he could keep his mind on the fact that he was looking at a patient. Just a patient. This particular patient, however, was beautiful and knew it. Jay/Sam was sex on a stick, fluid in movement. Jeff kept from checking Sam out like they were in a more casual setting, but it did not make him unaware of the younger man. He stared as Sam rose to his feet and started unbuttoning his shirt, glad that there was a white t-shirt on underneath the long-sleeved one. He could not have a bare-chested youth in his office.

 

“Your comfort is important, Sam. I‘d like for you to feel at ease here.”

 

The sight of the rumpled shirt hitting the floor made Jeff wish he was sitting behind his desk, a nice strong barrier between himself and the beautiful young man playing havoc with the room and his thoughts so easily. Frowning, Jeff realigned his thoughts.

 

“So you said ‘Jay’ is afraid he’s crazy. Are you afraid of that?”

 

Sam felt infinitely better free of the constricting and itchy shirt, seeing how Jeff watched him. Good thing he didn’t mind giving the good doctor a little show. The thought occurred to Sam that he could have a really good session with the doctor on Tom’s dime and go home happy. But Dr. Morgan was already asking about Jay again. Sam shrugged, replying honestly.

 

“I doubt Jay is crazy. I think he’s just boring. That’s not a crime. It’s sad and pathetic, but not a crime.”

 

Smothering a laugh, Jeff tried to keep his tone level.

 

“I meant *you*, Sam. Are you afraid of your own mental stability?”

 

“Oh.” Sam’s quicksilver grin was infectious, reaching his pretty eyes. “No. If I was crazy, I wouldn’t worry about it, right? Most crazy people don’t. So since I’m not too hung up on it, I guess I’m either crazy but accepting or sane and unconcerned. So… you going to CURE me, Jeff?”

 

“It seems important to ‘Jay’ that he keeps his marriage.”

 

Jeff put the words out there like it might slow down the irrepressible allure coming off of Sam in waves. He wanted to manage this new development and not have it on his conscience later. He was a professional. Not a blushing school girl.

 

“You may be causing problems for ‘Jay’. Making his home-life and marriage suffer.”

 

Sam tipped his head to the side, dark hair falling across his lively gaze.

 

“He doesn’t even really love Tom. Just thinks he’s supposed to. How can anyone mess up ‘that’?”

 

Ah. Jeff scrutinized ‘Sam’ intently, not seeing any wavering in the young man’s returned gaze. Jeff was not positive he believed that Jay was suffering from multiple personalities. He could be adept at pretending or just having a go at throwing his new doctor off his trail. Avoiding any real connection or efforts on his behalf under the guise of cooperating. Jeff rubbed over his chin, deciding to learn more about ‘Sam’.

 

“Tell me, Sam, are you the one that’s getting ‘Jay’ into trouble?”

 

Sam was pensive, his head dropping while he turned it over in his mind. Arriving at his answer, he shrugged one shoulder.

 

“I’d say that’s a matter of perspective. I am not doing anything wrong. If Tom doesn’t like Jay ever going anywhere or doing anything, having a life, then that’s Jay’s choice. But me? Tom doesn’t own ME. He just doesn’t like anything he can’t break, fuck or own.”

 

“Do you think Tom makes unfair demands on ‘Jay’?”

 

“Depends.”

 

Sam frowned , asking a question of his own.

 

“Did you have Lord Byron decorate this place?”

 

Chuckling, Jeff thought his love of Oxford University might be coming through. He had studied abroad in England and wanted some of that feel in his office, a space he occupied for so much of his time. He had never heard the décor described quite in those terms before.

 

“You don’t like it?”

 

Sam shrugged, “Whatever peels your banana, Dr. Jeff.”

 

Choosing to ignore banana references, Jeff questioned, “Do you like Byron?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Sam grinned, reciting in a lulling honeyed tone, “So, we'll go no more a-roving , So late into the night, Though the heart be still as loving, And the moon be still as bright. For the sword outwears its sheath, And the soul wears out the breast, And the heart must pause to breathe, And love itself have a rest. Though the night was made for loving, And the day returns too soon, Yet we'll go no more a-roving by the light of the moon. “

 

“That’s lovely.” Jeff commended, seeing how Sam threw off the words with something bordering on respect in his tone. Respect and affection for a long dead poet and utter dislike for his husband in the next room. “Do you study poetry? I understand you’re attending the university here. Education major.” 

 

Sam sighed and appeared annoyed again. “JAY studies, completes the tests, plans to be a teacher. I am just there.”

 

“Just ‘there’. You can see whatever ‘Jay’ is doing, then.”

 

“If I want.”

 

“Sometimes you don’t choose to witness?” Jeff was beginning to wonder if this was genuine. If he was dealing with a schizophrenic that was very defined in his various aspects. Not just complaining of voices or strange impulses but actualizing other identities. 

 

“I get bored.”

 

Sam’s short answer fully encompassed his feelings on getting bored, making Jeff softly laugh.

 

“When you get bored, you decide to go do other things. Things that Jay isn’t interested in.”

 

“Jay doesn’t have his own interests any more. He had some before Tom… but now it’s all Tom. What Tom wants. I’m just saying.”

 

“Can you come out any time you like, Sam?”

 

Sam made a face and flopped into his chair once more. He was evidently bordering on annoyance now. Jeff could see it. Sam found this back and forth tedious. He did not feel the need to make the session interesting for Jeff or to get his money’s worth. 

 

“No, I can’t. But lately it’s been… more. It’s been easier. Jay would rather sleep.”

 

“Is that what he’s doing now? He’s sleeping?”

 

“When he’s not awake he’s asleep. That’s pretty basic.”

 

Jeff appreciated the slight reprimand to Sam’s words, as if he was not paying attention or being logical in his questions.

 

“But when he’s awake, so are you. Do you ever sleep?”

 

That got a rise out of Sam. He had never considered it before. He gave Jeff a suspicious look.

 

“I probably sleep.”

 

Jeff could tell Sam was uncomfortable and doubted his reply. Sam seemed unsure of himself for the first time and it gave Jeff pause.

 

“How long have you been with Jay?”

 

“Since I was born.”

 

“Really. When was that?”

 

Sam was wary and made a frustrated sound. “Check your notes.”

 

“So you were born at the same time as Jay? Exactly the same time.”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

That was something. Jeff watched his new patient avidly, getting a glare for his attention.

 

“Do you want Jay to get better?”

 

“Not… particularly. No offense, but I think he’s wasting all his time. And mine. I’d do better being in charge than he does. Way I see it, I’ve been backseat for way too long. He’s had all this time…and all he’s done is marry Ike Turner.”

 

“Ike Turner.”

 

Jeff’s brow edged up, not able to just let that slide.

 

“Is Tom abusive as a spouse?”

 

“Tom’s abusive as a human being.”

 

Sam ran his fingertips across his lips, wondering what Jeff was hunting for here.

 

“But that doesn’t matter, as long as Jay takes it. Puts up with it. There’s nothing you can do about it. If I can’t work him out, I know YOU can’t.”

 

Jeff was glad he had Tom out of the room now. He knew the other young man would not be quiet now. Jeff had noticed the body language between Tom and Jay when they entered his office- but he had assumed Tom was being extra close and tactile of Jay because his husband was nervous. Now he had to wonder. Sam talked about Jay and Tom like they were two people he just knew. Not that he was actually one of them. 

 

“Would Jay agree that he is abused?” 

 

“No.” Sam sighed, resting his head to the back of his chair, eyes turned to the ceiling. “He could tell you how he deserves it. Is that what you want to hear, doctor? Does it even matter what *I* say since you think I’m nucking futs?”

 

“I don’t think you’re crazy, Sam. I think you’re suffering from a mental illness, something we can work to correct. Is Jay aware of you? Does he know who you are and what you do?”

 

Jeff was conscientious of not alarming Sam, but he needed to know more about what they were dealing with here. 

 

“No. Jay’s better off not knowing. I can’t stop from talking to him sometimes but he never listens. He only listens to Tom…because Tom is always right. I’m just a voice.”

 

“So Jay can’t see you doing things. He doesn’t remember the things you do when you’re ‘in charge’. Don’t you worry about what that might do to him?”

 

Sam was not sure what Jeff meant, and he really did not feel like being parented- unless it was some ‘call me Daddy’ game. Then he would be interested. Devilishly grinning, Sam cocked a brow.

 

“You ever go out, Jeff? There’s this place called the Velvet Snake. You ever been there?”

 

“I…” Jeff ducked his head and then saw Sam’s triumphant smile.

 

“Thought so. Hey, everyone needs their little something from time to time.”

 

“Sam.”

 

Jeff knew it was time to switch gears.

 

“Can I speak to Jay now please?”

 

“Aw. Seriously?”

 

Maintaining his professionalism, Jeff nodded. ‘Please.”

 

“Alright, but don’t expect fireworks.”

 

Sam gave Jeff one last look and then he closed his eyes, falling back to his chair bonelessly. He appeared to have fainted, looking younger in his vulnerability. Jeff could not believe how good Sam was at baiting him, making it seem effortless. Jeff waited for Jay to come to, hearing his breathing changing by degrees. It was not the most comforting of thoughts to realize that he felt more capable of handling Jay than Sam.


	4. Chapter 4

Jay came awake with a start and was disoriented for a split second before it came rushing back to him. Doctor’s office, Dr. Morgan, psychiatrist. He groaned softly and cupped a hand to his head, staring blearily at Dr. Morgan. Then he realized he was missing his shirt and the room was a little chilly. Jay frowned, picking his rumpled shirt off of the floor and whispering.

 

“I had a spell. How long was I out?”

 

‘Out’ was an interesting way to put it. Jeff did not want to believe that there was more than one identity inside of Jay Welling- but in his professional opinion it seemed all too true. In Jeff’s *personal* opinion, Sam had left the room. Jay was before him now, looking like a lost little boy. Sam, the capriciously flirtatious ne’er-do-well had vanished. It could not have been clearer to Jeff if he had seen Sam stand and go, closing the door behind him. There was not even a hint of Sam left. He looked into Jay’s eyes deeply before he crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back to his desk.

 

“Not so long. Not even an hour. How are you feeling?”

 

Jay pulled his shirt back on, buttoning it as he laughed shortly.

 

“Like I might be insane.”

 

“Ah. Well I can give you some comfort then. I don’t think you are insane at all, Jay. You do not suffer from an absence of sanity. You might call it a fractured sanity instead. Your mental state is in need of some fine tuning, but you are not a lunatic.”

 

Jay lifted a brow at that casual diagnosis and bowed his head. He was not sure what he was hearing, but he did wonder why - when he opened his eyes- he had a hard-on to deal with. His arousal was fading by the moment, but it was still keeping him from standing up any time soon. He toyed with his hair nervously and asked, “So what’s wrong with me?”

 

“Do you want me to call Tom in and tell you together?”

 

Jeff could not believe that Tom knew what afflicted his husband. Tom had interacted with Jay’s other sides, had probably even met ‘them’ in passing without recognizing it. How strange that you could mistake Jay for Sam or vice versa. They were like twins in Jeff’s mind, look-a-likes, but very distinct in their own right.

 

“If you think it’s best, Dr. Morgan. I know Tom wants to know as bad as I do.”

 

Still wondering over the things Sam had said about Tom and how Jay was treated, Jeff knew he would be asking Jay more about that later. But not before Jay was told about his condition. Jay would need therapy and support. Jeff did not want the young man to panic. He knew Jay was already feeling the pressure of wanting to be stable for his husband’s sake. To ease Tom’s worries first, before his own. Maybe Jay was just *that* in love and devoted to Tom- or maybe Sam had divulged more than Jay would have.

 

Jeff touched the intercom panel on his desk, telling his receptionist to send Tom in. When Tom joined them, Jeff noted that Jay looked anxious. Tom took his seat next to his husband and held out his hand, which Jay automatically took. The men sat holding hands, but there was a certain rigidity to the gesture that troubled Jeff. He cleared his throat before he began.

 

“Tom, Jay…I believe I need more sessions with Jay before I can say for certain what the root is of Jay’s anxiety. This is not a simple cure.”

 

Jeff looked intently to Jay and proceeded cautiously.

 

“I have a strong suspicion that Jay’s psyche has basically split into different facets. It’s not a condition that is unmanageable. If anything, it means we can find a way to link these aspects and make a healthy and cohesive self.”

 

“Wait. What?” Tom shot Jay a look and then glared to Dr. Morgan. “Are you saying he’s schizophrenic?”

 

“No.” Jeff was quite firm in his tone, not wanting Jay to be upset, at the very least not wanting him to be uninformed and jump to the wrong conclusions. “Jay is suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder, which is often confused with schizophrenia but is an entirely separate condition. Schizophrenics suffer from hallucinations and delusions. You would think there were perhaps people with you that were not there, Jay. You would believe you were chosen by a higher power, have trouble recalling current events. Your awareness of reality would be askew. You would believe things that were clearly untrue. Schizophrenia also is something you are born with. I believe, Jay, your condition came at some point in your childhood or adolescence. This disorder…-”

 

“Is ridiculous.” Tom said coolly. He shook his head and then turned to his husband. “Did you tell him this stuff, Jay? Why? Don’t I give you everything? What in the world do you have to be upset about?”

 

Before Jay could respond, Jeff interjected. “Tom, Mr. Welling, I realize you are surprised and uninformed about Jay’s illness, but that does not make it less true. Let me ask you this, have you experienced moments with Jay when he seemed like a stranger to you? When he behaved erratically or seemed unaware of time that had passed?” At Tom’s frown, Jeff nodded, sliding his hands into his pockets. “I know you don’t want this for Jay but right now is not about you. It is about him and what he needs to get better.”

 

Jay was having trouble putting it all together. It made no sense to him what he was hearing. He frowned and pulled his hand from Tom’s so that he could cover his eyes. Sounding defeated, he asked, “So if it’s Multiple Personality Disorder… what is that? What does it mean?”

 

“It means that there was a situation, at some point, Jay, where you were badly frightened or panicked and there was no fight or flee option. When this happened, your mind reverted to a defensive mode and you chose ‘someone else’ that could deal with what was afflicting you. Think of it like pretending to know what you’re talking about when you don’t, or bluffing- but on a bigger scale. You chose a champion, so to speak, and once they had done their part- you came back. The ‘you’ that is Jay, that is. After that, whenever you would experience danger or stress, it would be easier to let ‘someone else’ deal with it. The thing is, you let this side of yourself grow into an identity that you believe is separate from yourself. Now you have difficulty controlling this part of yourself because you believe they are out of your power.”

 

Dr. Morgan’s calm explanation still made Jay pale and hug himself. Just imagining someone else being in charge of his body? Going wherever they wanted? Talking to other people and God only knew what else? Jay was afraid he might be sick all over the rug. Then to hear that something from earlier in his life had caused him to make these ‘other’ sides? Like that made it better. It meant he had to remember whatever it was that was bad enough to make him crazy. Licking over his lips, he asked softly.

 

“How can I control it?”

 

Jeff considered Jay’s question a moment, long enough for Tom to inquire. “What therapy are you recommending? I think Jay needs something to keep him calm. Not any more excitement.” He looked to his distraught husband. “You can just take some time off from school. Rest. You don’t need to be worried about anything right now.”

 

“Actually.” Jeff argued evenly, “I am not going to prescribe sedatives to Jay. As it is, people that live with M.P.D. are in a trance-like state most of the time. Let me explain. It’s not what you might envision. It’s closer to functional lucid dreaming than actually being in a state of hypnosis. Your mind, Jay, has learned to work around your condition, much like you would adjust to a handicap physically, you adapted. Your brain has become accustomed to staying in a transient state where it’s easier for your other sides to slide in and out. The headaches come before one of those shifts, but with your awareness of what is happening, you might learn not to fight it and give yourself discomfort. I am not saying that you are going to be lost in the shuffle. The truth of the matter is, all of the sides, are YOU. It’s you, just pieces divided and kept from growing into a cohesive whole. You do not need to be afraid of yourself, Jay. It is a lot to comprehend, I know…but it’s as simple as considering a diamond and its many facets. What one facet is the stone? They all are. They are sides, not anything foreign to you, the you that is all of the parts.”

 

“You really believe this?” Tom asked, eyes distrustful. He knew shrinks could come up with a lot of ‘conditions’ if it meant they booked a wealthy client. It was their job after all. He snorted faintly, clearly showing his disdain. He started to stand, saying, “I think I’ll need a second opinion.”

 

“Oh? I can give you that.” Jeff returned, nodding towards the wary Jay. “Jay, I want to talk to Sam.”

 

Jay looked confused for only a moment before his eyes were sliding shut. As Jeff had said, the power of suggestion was stronger with Jay in his current mental state. Not to mention, as of late, it had been more of a challenge to subdue Sam. 

 

Tom crossed his arms before him as he watched his husband go loose in his chair before Jay was opening his eyes again. Ready to put on a little show apparently. Tom just was not completely prepared for Jay giving him a disgusted stare.

“What’s going on? What’re you playing at, Doc? I know you don’t think I want to talk to HIM.”

 

“Now just a damn minute…” Tom growled but Jay did not even face him. Just kept looking at Dr. Morgan.

 

Jeff nodded to Sam, speaking mildly. “Tom is having some trouble coming to terms with Jay and… then, you, Sam. Why don’t you introduce yourself?”

 

“Fuck that.” Sam flicked his baleful eyes to Tom. “It’s not like we’re going to be friends.”

 

Tom hissed a sharp breath in. “You best watch your mouth.”

 

“Or you’ll do *what*?” Sam asked, standing, lips tight across his teeth as he rose to his full height. “You going to put me in my place, Tommy?”

 

“Gentlemen.” Dr. Morgan stepped between the two men and they backed down from one another, glares still in place. “Sam, do you know Tom well?”

 

Sam made a sound remarkably like a groan cross-bred with a growl before walking to the other side of the office. He opened the curtains, preferring to check out the view from the office rather than have Tom in his face.

 

“You shouldn’t have asked me to come while he’s here.”

 

Jeff heard the betrayed tone and almost wanted to comfort Sam, but then he remembered who and what he was. The doctor. Not more than that. Certainly not to a patient.

 

“Sam. Please. Tom needs to understand Jay is not lying to him.”

 

“Lying to him?” Sam shot a disparaging sneer to Tom. “All he ever does is what you want. One time he’s falling short you’re on him, huh? Dickless wonder.”

 

“Sam.”

 

Jeff was trying here, to get Sam to speak at any length, let him have some sort of discourse with Tom- but it was not panning out. Sam looked like he might make his way out the window instead of chatting with Tom Welling of his own volition.

 

At the use of his name from Jeff, Sam turned his back to the window, leaning on the ledge. He tossed his head, knocking his thick unruly hair from his eyes.

 

“I wish you would say Jay is crazy…then it might explain him marrying Tom.”

 

Sam’s smile slid into place like a hot knife through butter.

 

“Am I being civilized enough for you, Doc? Being good?”

 

Tom realized with a dawning rage that Jay was *flirting* with Dr. Morgan. Right in front of him. Jay had thrust his hips forward as he was talking, a slight sway to his long body that was all invitation. Tom was not sure whether to hit him or fuck him, it was that obvious.

 

“Jay… I’ve had about enough. I don’t know what you’re thinking here- but I’ll tell you right now that you aren’t helping yourself at all. I don’t want to play these game with you.”

 

“Tom.” Jeff tried to warn Tom without stepping on the man’s toes in what was definitely a strange situation. “Do you see any differences in Jay? The way he is speaking, how he walks? How he reacts to you?”

 

Sam waved a hand before him and did not want to play this game. It was more than being annoyed at Tom. He did not want any sort of relationship with Tom. He certainly did not need to be evaluated by him. 

 

“I want to go now.”

 

Jeff nodded, not about to push too hard on this right away. “Please have a seat, Sam, and let me talk to Jay again.”

 

Sam gave a brisk jerk of his head before he was seated once more. He dropped out faster than Jay had, evidently stronger in that aspect as well. Jay was blinking back to wakefulness as he heard Tom asking Dr. Morgan, “So what ARE you going to do for him? I can’t just watch him twenty four seven. I guess I could hire someone to-”

 

“No, I don’t think that is going to be necessary.” Jeff was wondering if Tom realized the impression that he was giving off. As if Jay was doing all of this, having a problem, just to irritate and stress him. When it was obvious Jay suffered. “I want to have bi-weekly sessions with Jay. I will move some appointments around so that it does not conflict with his classes. He needs to have stability and structure, not a babysitter. He has come this far without being monitored.”

 

“Because of me.” Tom countered. “I take care of him, Dr. Morgan. I would not worry if I thought he could do for himself on his own, but that’s not how it is. I’m all he has. I take that very seriously.”

 

Jay blushed in embarrassment and pain, emotional pain. Tom was so overwrought and Jay knew it was his fault. He was to blame for whatever was wrong with him. Something had happened and he had been a coward, like he always was. 

 

“Doctor?”

 

When Jeff turned to him, Jay nodded to him.

 

“You tell me when to be here and I’ll be here. I’ll work real hard to fix this. I don’t want it to go on anymore than Tom does. I want to be better. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

 

Jeff wanted to tell Jay that Tom was being selfish and not a little harsh -but that was not conducive to getting to help the young man. He could hold his tongue on personal opinions and aid Jay who was in need.

 

“Then I’ll have Debra come in and check with you about the best times for you.”

 

“Look.” Tom said, edging into their agreement. “As of tomorrow, I have to go out of town for a couple weeks on business. I wasn’t planning on taking Jay with me…” No, he was planning on taking Evan, his intern and lover. “…so I need to know that Jay is safe. Not wandering around getting into trouble.”

 

Jeff considered, knowing it was not in Jay’s best interests to put off getting the help he needed. He could also imagine Sam not wanting to go off with Tom right now, when he kept wresting control. That could end badly. 

 

“I see. Well there is an option. There is the Ganymede House.”

 

The Ganymede House was a mental health facility adjacent to the psychiatric offices where Jeff did private sessions. The Ganymede House was a historical landmark, a massive Tudor style mansion with around the clock staff. It was known for being a great place for casual detox or a little get away for the rich and famous. The house itself was large enough to provide privacy and elegant accommodations for those that could afford it. 

 

Jay had no interest whatsoever in staying in a mental hospital. No matter how nice it looked or how many celebrities had thrown up there, he didn’t want to go. But then Tom was saying it was a good idea, and thanking Dr. Morgan for the offer. Jay nodded mutely, hearing how he would be allowed on and off the grounds, of course- and still be able to get his therapy. He did not say a word until Dr. Morgan asked him if he was alright with staying at the facility. Jay smiled wanly.

 

“Of course. It sounds…perfect.”

 

And so it was decided. Before Tom left for Las Vegas, Jay found himself unpacking a suitcase in a strange room- alone. He tried not to be nervous, or feel like the walls were watching him- but he just wanted to be home . In his own space. He wanted to walk around in his backyard or just cook in his kitchen. He settled for doing his homework instead. He was not thinking about Tom leaving for his trip, or worried over Evan going with his husband. Truth be told, Jay was glad Evan went in his stead, and he knew what it meant. He was well aware of Tom’s dalliance with his intern. Jay just never felt he could question the affair. Tom was the one that paid for everything and took care of him. Who was he to question his husband? 

 

Jay sat staring at his books and the clock ticked away, that soft click-click-click emphasizing how little studying Jay was accomplishing. He couldn’t study here. He felt studied instead. He wondered if there were cameras in the rooms and looked around, but did not see anything. Deciding he was either paranoid or needing fresh air, he stuffed his books in his messenger bag. He needed to get out of Ganymede House. He had to sleep the night here, the least he could do was use his off time for himself. He left the mansion behind, walking through town until he was at the university campus. He felt better immediately, throwing his books across an empty table and sitting down, reading with a relieved sigh. He could hear traffic, the birds, the din of chattering students, far off strains of music. It was much more soothing than the absolute quiet of his assigned room at Ganymede. He could definitely concentrate here. Or so he thought, until he heard a deep voice drawl beside him.

 

“I see you made it out of that whole ‘pumpkin’ thing.”

 

Jay looked up and then up some more, realizing the guy was actually speaking to him. He scrunched his brow and wondered if he heard right. Did the blond and gorgeous man just ask him something about pumpkins? A baffled smile crossed Jay’s lips before he ducked his head.

 

“Sorry?”

 

Jensen had spied Sam the moment the tall youth came loping across the emerald green grass of the campus quad. He had stared at Sam, drinking in the sight as the other man was oblivious to his scrutiny. ‘God, he looks good‘, was Jensen’s main thought in the moment. Sam was not dressed for clubbing, but wearing jeans and a loose long sleeved t-shirt of deep blue. Jensen had wondered if he should say anything, or something- a hello? It wasn’t like they were close friends, but seeing Sam again, he sure as hell wanted to be. So Jensen had walked over to strike up a conversation with the guy that had been ready to jerk him off in near public. He had not been able to figure out Sam’s pumpkin reference since having heard it, and that was not all he had been thinking about since the other night. He had worried that he wouldn’t run into Sam again, but he had- and now he was being looked at like he was slow. Jensen smiled and shrugged.

 

“Jensen. You remember me?”

 

Jensen sat next to Sam and saw alarmed hazel eyes flash his way before Sam nodded weakly, replying. “Sure. Of course.”

 

“Good.”

 

Jensen smiled, wondering why Sam looked worried over him sitting there when they had been a helluva lot closer than this. He glanced to Sam’s books, seeing Ancient World History and a volume on Egyptian mythology.

 

“So…what are you majoring in? Being Tombraider?”

 

Jay could not fathom why ‘Jensen’ was talking to him but he had a niggling feeling it had something to do with ‘Sam’. A hot blush took over his cheeks as he breathed in Jensen’s cologne and felt the warmth of the man next to him. Frowning at his books like he was surprised to see them himself, Jay half-laughed at Jensen’s query.

 

“Ah… well… they are sort of the classes I took for fun. You know, to have something I’m interested in… alongside the other stuff. My major is Education. Being a teacher?”

 

“Oh.” Jensen tried not to make a face considering Sam in charge of a group of kids. He could too easily picture Sam teaching the class how to blow smoke rings or give themselves piercings- which was not entirely fair. Sam obviously had more than one side to him. Everyone was allowed to blow off some steam here and there. “So you’re not really interested in being a teacher? I mean, it’s more of a career?”

 

“It’s…” Jay stopped himself, not sure what to say. He had never been asked before really if he wanted to be a teacher. Tom just felt it best suited him. “It’s a good job.”

 

“Yeah.” Jensen agreed easily, nodding. “It’s cool. I have nothing but respect for teachers. I’m one myself in the Creative Writing course.”

 

“Oh?” Jay’s brow quirked in genuine interest. He looked at the books Jensen had carried over. “May I?” Taking the top volume, he looked over the dark burgundy cover of the novel, seeing the slick artwork of a young man nude and ivory-pale, his body framed by lustrous ebon feathers. His face was turned to his shoulder, where he was biting into his own flesh with fangs. Jay read the title. ‘Incubus Apocrypha’. With a little frown, he asked, “So you write self-help books.”

 

That made Jensen’s eyes light up as he laughed and rested his elbows to the table top. “Horror. It’s my thing. Since I’m local, I get tapped to come in and teach workshops. It’s not bad. The book, I mean. If you check it out of the university library it totally falls open to the good parts. No need to search.”

 

Jay breathed a laugh and murmured. “I’ll have to check it out.”

 

“Well…I could give it to you.”

 

Jensen smile said yeah, he meant it to sound dirty. He took back the novel Jay was looking at and wrote in the front, passing it back to the blushing young man.

 

“I have to get going…I have dinner plans…”

 

Jay nodded, feeling disappointed that Jensen had to go. He almost wanted to walk him to his car or whatever he drove. Just to talk some more. Instead, he rested a hand over the book. 

 

“Thanks for the book.”

 

“You’re welcome. I hope you enjoy it.”

Jay nodded, hazel eyes fixed on Jensen’s farewell smile before he watched the novelist walking away. Jensen was beautiful. Not a single feature on him said ‘Oh see, I’m only human too.’ No. He had just about perfect everything. Beautiful sand colored hair, long dark gold lashes over brilliant jade eyes. Full pink lips that worked around a rough-smooth voice that made Jay’s belly flip. Then there was the body. Jensen was not bulky, but he was definitely sturdy, muscled. Tight ass. Jay shook his head, looking away from Jensen, hoping he had not been staring obviously. Trying to use a prop to look less like he was perving over the man, Jay opened the book before him. In Jensen’s loose scrawl, he read the words.

 

‘I kept telling myself there’s a good time to say ‘yes’ and you were it. If it’s any consolation, when I keep thinking about you- I say ‘yes’ a lot. Want to try again? Call me. - Jensen.'

 

Under the words was Jensen’s phone number. Jay slammed the book closed like it had bitten him. Oh GOD. Had he SLEPT with the man? Cheeks flaming, Jay wondered why he didn’t feel as guilty over the thought as he should. Instead, he felt like one of those people being told ‘You May Already Be A Winner!’ That wasn’t right. It was awful. Horrible. He should feel wretched over it. Annnnny second now. He definitely shouldn't be wishing he could remember details.


	5. Chapter 5

Back at the Ganymede House, Jay pretended like he had a million things to do other than think about Jensen- or what was written in that book. He showered, taking a very long shower- and not overly recalling Jensen’s teasing smile. He dressed and started putting his clothes in the closet, without dwelling on the sweep of long lashes over green eyes. His homework was finished and he read ahead a few chapters in his Health and Nutrition class before he put his books and notes away- all of that studying nearly made it impossible to mentally linger on the flat plane of Jensen‘s belly under his well-worn t-shirt. Jay was convinced that he had done so well not mooning over Jensen that he deserved a medal. Until he realized he had been concentrating on Jensen Ackles *all evening*. 

 

His eyes slowly tracked over to the book lying on his bed. Jensen’s book. It looked like an invitation in more ways than one. When reading a work of fiction, he believed, you could find the author’s voice. The parts of the story that exposed the writer and let you into their mind. It was not the entire book and every character, in his opinion, so much as moments that really stood out and showed what the author felt was right or wrong, what they found sensual- what scared them. Their idealism was shared with the reader with the candor afforded by calling their work ‘fictitious’. So, theoretically, the safest way to know more about Jensen, without feeling the need to call or see him, would be to read his book. It was more for the sake of curiosity, he told himself, not attraction. He was a married man. He had a husband. He was not thinking of Jensen in those terms. Or shouldn’t be, really. So he wasn’t. If he read Jensen’s book, it was almost a good idea. It could ease his interest in Jensen and then he’d be over it. Able to get the man out of his head.

 

Resolute, he stretched out on his bed. He lay on his back, shoulders to the headboard before he opened the book to the first page. The story started out telling about a young male witch named Erin. Jay did not read a lot of horror, by any means, but since Jensen took the time to describe the witch’s neck as ‘a creamy bitable expanse of white flesh, inviting teeth, tongue and the urge to dominate’, Jay felt he should give the novel a fair shake. He was engrossed in the character of Erin, wondering which character in the story would be most like Jensen. Erin, the witch, was shy and yet deeply spiritual and intelligent. He came from a long line of witches, and the story of how his family balanced out their hidden lifestyle with their public personas was interesting. Things became much more interesting when Erin met the vampiress Erzbet and her brother, Vincent. Erin was drawn to both siblings and there were allusions to the vampires being incestuous. Erin became their third, the lover they shared. Jay was drawn in at the tales of a blood mass ritual to summon Lilith- who was a goddess of the vampires. They wanted to stop some curse that was wakening in the land, and the plan was to feed said curse to the goddess. Since Lilith was described as insatiable, Jay was wondering over the chances of doing something like that and not getting eaten yourself. He winced over the moments when Erzbet used a whip on the naked males, Vincent and Erin, drawing up their lust and blood into the air to pay homage to their goddess. Of course, he could not help but wonder if Jensen had ever been whipped. Or had he whipped someone else? How did he know about rituals like the one being described in such detail? 

 

The story also managed to arouse Jay, and he could not help reaching down to adjust himself inside of his jeans. He was not supposed to ‘take care of himself’ usually- because Tom did not believe in Jay ever not being in the mood. It hurt Tom’s feelings or straight out offended him if Jay was not aroused for him, so he took pains to never fail Tom. If Tom wanted him, however he wanted him, Jay strove to meet his expectations and demands. He blushed as he realized how very badly he wanted to jerk off while reading Jensen’s writing. It wasn’t just the subject matter, even the scene with Vincent sucking the marks left behind on Erin by Erzbet’s cat-o-nine-tails. Good God. Jay felt hot all over, imagining Jensen sitting before his laptop and typing out this scenario, those green eyes so serious and intent while he worked. Swallowing, feeling a little guilty, Jay skipped ahead during the scene with the goddess being there. He silently promised he would come back to reach the important ‘plot’ parts- but first. There. He found a scene with Erin falling into bed with the vampiric siblings. Being taken by them both and then taking in return. The description of Vincent sliding into Erin made him gasp in appreciation. Jay needed some ice water. He needed a shower. He glanced around his room, wondering again about potential cameras. He was heavily hard and wanted so much to ease himself. He felt his head starting to hurt and for the first time knew what it meant.

 

It was someone else. Or rather, some other part of himself. Trying to get loose. Sam? He coughed faintly and whispered tentatively. Hoping there would be no answer. Afraid there would be.

 

“Sam?”

 

There was no verbal response but the headache was still coming on strong. Jay cradled his head in his hands, sitting to the edge of his bed. He was not supposed to go out at night. He was not locked in, no, but it was ‘against advisement’ from Dr. Morgan. He wondered if he should call Dr. Morgan and tell him he was about to lose to Sam again. That he could not hold him back. Sam was going to win. Sam might always win. Jay heard a soft laugh, as if from several rooms away. It wasn’t mocking, this laugh- it was warm and almost… affectionate. All the same, it was the last thing he heard.

 

Sam opened his eyes and cricked his neck, looking around Ganymede House with a curled lip of dislike. This was worse than the campus dormitory Jay had lived in when he was still an arts student. He eye-balled the paintings of rolling meadows on the walls and winced. Hospital art never changed. It was always a variation on a theme of what someone considered calming- when they gave you pills for that. Not that Jay was getting any pills. Not even aspirin. It was really disappointing as far as mental health hospitals went. No straightjackets or padded cells. No scratch marks on the walls. Anti-climatic. Sam stood from the bed and stretched long and high before picking up the book Jay had been reading.

 

“Why do you waste time when you could get the real thing, Jay? It makes me CRAZY.”

 

Crazy.

 

That made Sam laugh and think maybe that wasn’t the best word to use. Not that Jay was even listening. Jay was sleeping. Glad to not be tempted by the Jensen monster. Going through the clothes Jay had packed, Sam was disconsolate. It was all cotton. Loose cotton. He groaned and decided he could work with it. He pulled on a pair of jeans and then took out a black long-sleeved t-shirt that Jay always wore with the cuffs over his hands. Jay always hid himself. Tucked away. As if it made him safer. Sam ripped the arms free of the t-shirt, not having any scissors to use. Still the shirt was old enough that it was easily torn. He pulled it on, knowing it was the best he could do. Sitting to the bed, he dialled Jensen’s number from memory, his *own* memory, thank you very much. When Jensen answered with a ‘yeah’, Sam smiled.

 

“Were you not expecting me to call?”

“Sam?”

 

“The very same. What are you doing? Scratch that, where are you doing whatever you’re doing?”

 

Taken aback by how warm Sam was being, Jensen was unsure for a moment. Sam had seemed so shy earlier but there was a chance Sam liked keeping his night life dalliances and day time world separate. He wouldn’t be the first person to do that. Jensen closed his laptop and sat back in his chair, the creak of the old leather seeming loud to his ears.

 

“I’m at my place. My apartment. Working. Or I was working. I can always take a break. Do you want to meet somewhere?”

 

Smiling, Sam shook his head, even though Jensen wouldn’t see that.

 

“I’d like to skip the handholding and long walks if we could. If we’re being honest… I want to meet you at your front door… and see if we make it past that point without getting naked.”

 

Jensen sat down his glass of iced tea, sure he might drop it otherwise. He heard the amusement in Sam’s tone but also a hint of defiance. Like it was a dare. He *had* been pretty direct in what he inscribed in the book for Sam. It made sense that Sam would expect him to be game for ‘more’.

 

“Alright.”

 

“Good. Where do you live?”

 

“Sam…”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Are you sure? Because we could meet for drinks or…”

 

“I don’t need to drink to fuck.”

 

Blinking, Jensen almost wanted to call his best friend Chris and ask him if he was being weird not just jumping the most beautiful boy he had ever seen when he had the chance. Why was he hesitating? He was a grown man. He knew how to use protection and he surely knew how to have sex. Why did he feel like he was missing something.

 

“I don’t need to …drink to fuck either.”

 

“Hm.”

 

Feeling mildly judged, Jensen half-growled.

 

“What’s the ‘hm’ about?”

 

A low laugh greeted his ears before Sam purred, “Don’t get mad, Jensen. You don’t want to be mad. You really don’t want to go to bed tonight hard when you could go feeling worked the fuck out.”

 

This was true. Jensen bit his inner cheek as he contemplated his next step. He could always have Sam over and if things happened, they happened. It wasn’t like it was a booty call. Oh GOD, it was so a booty call and he was the booty. Best to own that and come to terms with it.

 

“I live at 3850 Hamilton. The Silver Tree Apartments. You know it?”

“Sure. See you when I see you.”

 

Sam hung up the phone and wrote the address down in Jay’s notebook. He had it memorized already, but Jay might need it. Or it would just fuck with him. Considering that prospect, Sam thought he would be nice and wrote under the address, ‘did it’. That was succinct, right? He was out the door soon after, not wanting to waste time when there were better things- and Jensens- to do. He walked out of the Ganymede House, nodding to the nurse at the front desk. She watched him go, not allowed to say much to him since he was self-admitted and given off ground privileges. He could come and go as he pleased. But she still called Dr. Morgan to let him know, per the doctor’s request.

 

Sam hailed a cab and told the driver where to take him before he was striking up a conversation with the man. Not just because he had nothing else to do, but out of interest, Sam liked talking to cabbies. They always had stories to tell and never gave a rat’s ass who HE was. As long as he could pay his fare, he had a friend for the duration of his trip. He was good with people, even when he wasn’t looking to score something from them. When he was on the make, he was nearly flawless. Pretty good at gauging moods and temperaments, Sam could work a room before it even knew it was compromised. He learned a good deal about his driver, Hank, on the way to Hamilton Street. Hank was married, twenty-third anniversary coming up, putting one daughter through college and had another in high school, oy vey. Sam commiserated over how priced everything was and when Hank asked what was at 3859 Hamilton, Sam sighed.

 

“Hopefully a good time.”

 

Hank grinned and stopped his cab at the curb.

 

“You be careful now. Sweet kid like you. Someone might take advantage.”

 

Handing Hank a twenty for the nine dollars and some change fare, Sam waved off the man giving him anything back.

 

“I’m always careful, Hank. You take care.”

 

“You too, Sam.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

Sam grinned and walked into the building, having to be buzzed in at the main doors off the lobby. He hit the button for 3850 and heard the door click soon after. Jensen apparently wasn’t being coy. Good. Sam so wasn’t feeling the need to be coy either. He took the elevator up, humming along with the Foo Fighter’s muzak that was playing. He walked down the cool sweet-scented hallway to Jensen’s door, feeling a little nervous. He just really wanted Jensen. It wasn’t more than that. He frowned, thinking over how serious it was not to get attached.

 

Jensen opened his front door and smiled, seeing how Sam was looking so intent.

 

“Hey.”

 

Sam nodded, sidling into the room past Jensen. Jensen looked good enough to eat in his flannel pants and wife beater, wearing all black. Sam brushed his body close to Jensen’s and saw the quickened heat in the other man’s eyes. Good, someone was on board already.

 

“Did I make you wait too long?”

 

Shutting the door, Jensen was watching Sam hungrily. He could already imagine those big hands on his skin and it was distracting. He smiled slightly when Sam sank down onto the sofa.

 

“No, you never said exactly when you’d be here.”

 

“I’d hate to have unforeseen events get in the way and have you worry.”

 

Sam took off his shoes as he was talking, socks too. Just like that. Jensen was sure that was not meant to be as erotic as it seemed. So casually getting comfortable, Sam looked like he was just counting down the seconds to intimacy. Jensen crossed his spartanly furnished living room, all of the furniture heavy and black, the table glass and steel. The walls held blown up prints of The Scream and the Night of the Living Dead poster from the original black and white release. He kept it simple as a rule. Which was probably why he was not currently in a relationship. He never liked it when anyone started casing the joint like they were wondering where they’d put their things. It got under his skin and he tended to cut things off right then and there. But Sam was not exactly formulaic. Jensen could not quite figure him out. Sam could go to any bar and find someone to take home, but he was here. Looking at Jensen with a lazily patient smile and body language that spoke volumes about backing up his teasing. Under his gaze, Sam stretched out his long legs, making the couch his own, both hands coming to rest on his thighs, drawing Jensen’s eyes down. Right there. Jesus. Sam was built all over. 

 

“Don’t make me come get you, Jensen.”

 

“Oh, you think it’s like that?”

 

Jensen walked over to Sam and was pulled onto his lap, facing him. He spread his knees to keep his balance and then his ass was settling to the hardness of Sam’s groin. Unable to resist the urge, he rubbed himself to Sam’s erection, hearing how Sam groaned in approval.

 

“Is it not like that?” Sam teased while licking a slow path over Jensen’s throat, sucking at the skin, but not leaving marks.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing…” Sam chuckled and rolled up the sides of Jensen’s shirt under his hands, revealing the cut of the man’s hips and stomach. “Holy shit…you’re pretty…”

 

“Ah.” Jensen laughed and blushed. “Thank you?”

 

“Mmm…” Sam wasn’t listening really, he was staring at the nipple he had revealed before him. Leaning in, he sucked there, just at the very tip of the pinkness, feeling Jensen’s ass squirm to his shaft. Someone had sensitive nipples. Sam used that information to drive Jensen crazy with his teeth, breath and tongue. Sam divested Jensen of the wife-beater, wanting more skin. He slowly licked over to Jensen’s other nipple before he heard Jensen gasping a question.

 

“So…did you…ah… did you read…my book?”

 

Sam winced, but Jensen couldn’t see it from his angle. Sam had paid attention for the sex scene at the end but not the rest. He was not about to tell the writer that though. Better to just lie for Jensen’s sake. Or better yet, change the subject. He pushed Jensen to the couch and wrenched those thin cotton pants down to his knees.

 

“Sam!”

 

“Shhh…I know what I’m doing.”

 

Jensen didn’t doubt that. Not when Sam was sucking at his navel and then biting over his treasure trail. The mouth on him was incredible, Jensen mused silently as he felt the inquisitive stroke of Sam’s tongue to his groin. Over lush curls, Sam lapped and bit, drawing gasps from Jensen. Sam hummed in arousal, licking up the inside of Jensen’s thigh, not yet taking his cock. No. He knew how tender thighs could be, all those nerves and his mouth so close to the treasure itself. Sam was not one to usually take too much time with a lover. He tended to get his and go. The people he chose never complained. He wasn’t bad to them, but he was often in a hurry. With Jensen, he wanted to make the other man feel good. Feel *really* good.

 

Looking down at Sam’s head between his legs, Jensen was a bit dazzled. He was aware Sam was coming over for a possible liaison, but the speed of their interaction and Sam himself- well it was intense. He had never even watched a porn that was getting to him as badly as Sam did. There were no brakes on the man, no road signs or warnings of what was going to happen next. In his ordered world, that should make the tall sexpot anathema. Instead, Jensen was wildly turned on. Those licks over his legs and between made him ache. He groaned throatily at the tease of Sam’s cheek to his cock, wanting more already.

 

“Sam… please…”

 

Sam did not make him ask again. Jensen’s mouth fell open as Sam started sucking him deep. Not giving him a moment to just wonder if Sam was any good at head or if he was going to be teased even longer. No, Sam was swallowing around his demanding hardness and driving him mad with it in the process. He drove his fingers into Sam’s lush hair, clenching his fist there and trying to hold onto some control. Sam sucked up and down his red-hot length, his tongue lapping over and around all the while. The back of Jensen’s head pushed into the couch cushions as he let one foot drop to the floor, giving Sam more room. God, at this point, he’d give Sam most anything. 

 

“Sam… you’re going to make me cum…swear…Too much…”

 

A smile turned up the corners of Sam’s mouth, his eyes to Jensen’s. He let Jensen slide from his lips for a moment, whispering.

 

“Sorry…I just love sucking you. I can hardly stop. You’re so thick. It’s all I can taste when you’re in my mouth… All I can concentrate on.”

 

He gripped and stroked Jensen, making a little bead of precum bubble out of the tip. Sam sucked the essence away and rubbed the cockhead over his lips, the spongy warmth tasting so good.

 

“God damn…”

 

Jensen bucked his hips against his will to Sam’s mouth, getting sucked in all over again. He thought he might just lose the battle and blow his load when Sam stopped. ‘Relented’ might have been a better word than ‘stopped’- because it felt like a reprieve. As if Sam was having mercy on him and letting him have some of his brain back. Before it was gone again in a hurry as Sam was undressing. Sam leaned back, taking off his shirt, revealing his belly and chest. Jensen stared at the sight of Sam‘s big hands managing his belt buckle with quick motions. Sam wasn’t making a show of it, Jensen realized, he was just getting naked as quick as he could.

 

“You want to try the bed?” Jensen asked in a coarse voice.

 

“Sure.” Sam stood, letting his jeans fall off of him and revealing he had gone commando tonight. Naked, he was astonishing. That cock that Jensen had felt under him was bigger than it first appeared. It was nearly a threat when hard.

 

Jensen stood and licked over his lips before he kicked off his own pants and nodded towards his bedroom. He was just inside the doorway when Sam was pressing to him from behind, kissing the back of his neck until Jensen was shivering from it. Sam nudged and ground himself to Jensen’s ass, sawing the underside of his cock to the full cheeks cupping him.

 

“You got an amazing ass, Jensen… I can’t half decide what to put there first…”

 

Jensen gritted his teeth at how much his shaft throbbed. He was not keen on cumming too soon but Sam made it a battle. He leaned back to the taller man and looked up to slanted hazel eyes.

 

“What if I want to fuck YOU?”

 

Sam lifted a brow and then Jensen thought he had blown it. Sam was a top and all games aside- he wasn’t going to appreciate anything else being suggested. Jensen was about to say he could be talked into bottoming- when Sam pulled away from him. Sam walked to the bed and pushed the comforter out of his way, moving onto the sheets. He was on all fours when he looked back to Jensen, chin lowered as he smiled. When Jensen’s eyes went wide, Sam spread his knees and provocatively lifted his ass. He knew that Jensen was looking at him, nothing but him, and it was an aphrodisiac being under those dragon-green eyes.

 

“You have a condom, Jen?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah.” 

 

Shaking his head, Jensen opened his bedside drawer and pulled out a rubber, opening it as Sam watched him. Blushing faintly, Jensen eased the condom on and made certain it was secure. He took out the lube and glanced to Sam, surprised at the tender look he was given.

 

“It’s okay. This is okay. It’s going to feel so good.”

 

Jensen was strangely touched at the words from Sam, not expecting any sweet talk. He could not very well explain to Sam that he had recently broken up with his boyfriend. That would be a huge mood killer. Besides, he didn’t want to think about Milo right now. Not with Sam in his bed, waiting to be filled up. God. Sam’s body was a work of art. Jensen wanted to crawl under him and suck Sam until he was clawing the sheets- but maybe later. He slicked his fingers and moved onto the mattress behind Sam. Tentatively he slid a finger into Sam and drank in the sight of his finger slipping deep. He added another finger when Sam made sexy little moans and pushed back to his touch. Jensen turned and worked his fingers within Sam’s tightness before asking. 

 

“Now?”

 

“Yeah… now…”

 

Fucking Sam was a whole other dimension. Jensen could not stop himself from yelping when he breached Sam’s ring only to be slammed deep. Sam was topping from the bottom, the hot bitch. Jensen grabbed Sam’s shoulders and held on, fucking back, not losing his tempo. Sam took him, spreading for him, arching back sharp and hot. Jensen burned from his gut at the extreme arousal that kept blindsiding him. He pumped Sam almost savagely, telling himself to slow down, take it easy- even as he kept the rhythm hard. Sam never asked him to change. Sam met him halfway, pressing back for more and grunting his name when he was in to the hilt. Jensen kissed over Sam’s back, biting over his spine, his hands gripping Sam’s ass now to slam into him. He was sweating as they coupled, too turned on to manage speech or clear thought. It was too good. Jensen was cumming before he even knew it, sliding a hand under Sam to grip his cock. He fervently jerked at Sam as he was shuddering in his own orgasm, not knowing if he was hurting Sam or not. Sam gripped the bedding and went still before he spilled over the sheets and Jensen’s fist.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck..ohfuckme… stop… Jensen…Jen… stop…”

 

Sam was breathless, falling to the mattress with Jensen over him. Face to the bed, he panted raggedly while Jensen’s breath teased over his skin in hot puffs. Sam rubbed his gleaming wet brow to the cotton sheets and shuddered from how hard he had gotten off.

 

“Sam?”

 

Hearing the exhausted whisper, Sam smiled a tiny bit.

 

“Present.”

 

Jensen laughed and murmured.

 

“Wanted to make sure I didn’t hurt you.”

 

“Naw.”

 

Sam hissed when Jensen pulled free of him, feeling a brushing kiss to his shoulder. Jensen lay beside him for a moment, the both of them lost in the moment. Eventually though, Jensen whispered, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

 

Sam rolled onto his side, facing Jensen with a puzzled look. 

 

“I’m good. I was just enjoying it.”

 

“Good. I mean…good that you’re okay and that… it was good for you. I need to quit saying ‘good’.”

 

Sam laughed and moved to kiss Jensen, amazed at himself. He never felt the need to hang around after a fuck. It just wasn’t necessary. But Jensen? Well, he was worth being around. Sam liked him. He cupped Jensen’s jaw as they kissed, loving the press of Jensen’s full lips. They made out with slow licks and kisses that had Sam taking shorter breaths before he pulled back

 

“I should get going.”

 

“Why?”

 

At Sam’s look, Jensen tried again.

 

“I mean… you don’t have to go yet. That’s what I meant.”

 

Sam smiled and brushed his damp hair back from his brow.

 

“Believe me, Jensen. You’ll be happy to have me go. I noticed how neat your place is. You like it… tidy. Organized. I would fuck your shit right up and I don’t mean just your alphabetized by title DVDS.”

 

Jensen was surprised Sam had noticed he was so mental over his movies. He scratched the back of his head and frowned. Not one to back down from much, least of all a challenge or mystery, Jensen asked.

 

“What makes you think you’d be that much of a pain in the ass, Sam? I wasn’t saying move in. I was saying… stay awhile. Maybe even…you know…come over again.”

 

Sam gave Jensen an unreadable look and wished he was free of having a conscience. He used to be, damn it. He should be able to say something harsh to Jensen and be on his way. It was for the best. But he liked Jensen. He actually found himself not wanting to end on a bad note. He left the bed and walked back towards the living room, not surprised Jensen followed. Sam pulled on his jeans as he said.

 

“I’m doing you a good turn, man. I am a little messed up. That’s all I’m saying.”

 

“We’re all a little messed up.”

 

Sam glanced up from buckling his belt.

 

“Uh… not to the same degree.”

 

Jensen didn’t mind being naked, and he was too intrigued to even pretend modesty. He sat to the sofa, elbows to his knees as he smiled in bafflement.

 

“Why don’t you tell me what makes you so special then, Sam.”

 

Hearing the challenge there, Sam paused in turning his t-shirt right-side out.

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“Yeah. Hit me.”

 

“Alright.”

 

Sam thought for a sec and then smiled. What the hell.

 

“Let’s just put it this way… fucking me? You could have a threesome with just the two of us there.”

 

“Huh?”

 

Sam laughed nervously and shrugged, looking around the room to avoid Jensen’s eyes.

 

“True story. I am fucked in the head. Yep. I’m telling you this because I don’t have to see you again… and maybe I want you to know why to stay away from me.”

 

Jensen wondered if this was some kind of joke or brush-off. He couldn’t imagine someone going to such lengths to say ‘thanks for the sex, bye’. It didn’t add up. It was overkill. Sam seemed uneasy too. 

 

“Sam? Are you serious? What are you talking about?”

 

“I’m not talking about it anymore. It’s weird and it’s a little complicated… so… let’s just leave it at that. We had a good time, right?”

 

Jensen stood up when Sam started to walk past him to get to his shoes. He turned Sam to face him and saw how those puckish hazel eyes were troubled now. He softly kissed Sam’s lips and could not believe he was stopping the guy from just going. This wasn’t his problem. He had no reason to care where Sam went now or why.

 

“Sam…”

 

Sam pushed away from Jensen and scooped his shoes up under his arm. “I have to go.”

 

“You… but… your shoes…”

“I got it. I have to go. Bye, Jensen.”

 

Jensen stared in a new state of shock as Sam left his apartment. Slowly sitting back down to the couch, he saw one of Sam’s socks on the carpet near the door and thought it was a strangely Cinderella moment. If Cinderella was a guy that fucked and ran- and totally made you lose your mind trying to understand him.


	6. Chapter 6

Jay was not quite ready to open his eyes. He wondered if it was at all reasonable to pretend to be asleep to avoid yourself. If he was still sleeping he could not be expected to deal with the ramifications of his evening. He would not have to think about it. But try as he might, he was awake. He threw an arm across his eyes and felt the aching in his body. He sat up gingerly and moved off of his bed, getting up. He needed to know. He walked to the bathroom and pulled off his t-shirt seeing marks on his hips and shoulders. Unmistakable marks. Jay turned to the side, using the mirror set into the wall to study the bruises. He had finger-marks on the back of his neck, a shudder working hard through him. He took a shower, very aware of the feel of his body. Inside. He knew he had been fucked. He was tender. Used. Jay stayed in the shower as long as he could, but he had a session with Dr. Morgan today. He could not hide out forever.

 

He dressed in a long sleeved shirt, hiding as much skin as he could. It was Jensen. He knew it had to be, especially after seeing the note left for him. ‘Sam’ left him no room to doubt. Jensen’s address, written down in his own handwriting. Shouldn’t Sam’s handwriting be different? Jay had no idea. He folded up the piece of paper and hid it inside of Jensen’s novel. The novel went into the top drawer of his dresser drawers, like it had to be contained. He should burn it. Throw it away. Keeping the book was not going to help him forget what Sam had done. What HE had done. Cheating on his husband like a common whore. He felt a warning pang at his temple and clenched his teeth. It didn’t matter if Tom cheated on him- Jay thought angrily. Tom gave him *everything*. If it wasn’t for Tom, what would he have? Who would care about him or even know who he was? No one. Tom was the only person he had and Tom thought he was special. Had married him. Evan was just a dalliance. Evan was not Tom’s husband. 

 

Jay put on his wedding ring and glared at his reflection as he whispered.

 

“Just stop. If you can hear me. Stop. You stop all of this or I’ll stop you. Do you hear me? I’ll stop us both… “

 

There was nothing to make him think he wasn’t just growling at his own face. Jay pressed his hands to the glass and leaned in, studying his eyes in minute detail, searching for any hint of an alien presence. A flicker that might say it was someone else looking at him. He rested his brow to the glass and took deep breaths.

 

“Never again. It can’t happen again. There has to be a way.”

 

He left his room and went straightaway to his appointment with Dr. Morgan. Entering the office, Jay was half hoping he would be told there was a wait- but the receptionist waved him in as soon as he arrived. On edge, he entered Dr. Morgan’s sanctum, pulling the door closed behind him. Dr. Morgan was behind his desk but he stood when Jay approached.

 

“Have a seat, Jay. How are you feeling today?”

 

Jay shook his head and sat down in a slump. He was shaky and felt like he had a hangover, but he knew he had not been drinking.

“I want you to give me a prescription.”

 

“Oh?” Jeff was not combative, but kept his tone gentle as he sat in the chair next to Jay’s, facing him. “What would you want this prescription to do?”

 

“Make me sleep. I mean… if I take it, I’m knocked out until morning.”

 

“That sounds dangerous.” Dr. Morgan tipped his head to the side. “There’s always a chance that you could grow addicted to something like that. Sam says that when he is ‘in charge’ you are asleep. You don’t seem to like Sam making choices for you. If you slept more, Jay, you might make him all the stronger.”

 

“What?” Jay sat forward, strain evident on his face. “Even if I was unconscious?”

 

“I believe the results could prove negative. You might not be the dominant personality if you chose to give away what strength you have to try to sabotage Sam. How can we be sure that you would wake up when you wanted to? Once you were ‘resting’, Jay, how can you know Sam would not be the one to wake up first and go from there? Do you see what I am saying? There is nothing to be solved in running from what you’re afraid of.”

 

“So basically I just have to chain myself to my bed.”

 

Dr. Morgan’s brow lifted and he squelched the mental image with sheer willpower. 

 

“What happened last night, Jay? You left Ganymede House and came back roughly two hours later.”

 

Jay slid the tip of his thumb over his lips before biting down on it, eyes brooding and dark with his thoughts. He tried to gauge Dr. Morgan’s expression and could not be sure what he saw there. Faintly, he responded.

 

“Sam went out. He left me a note. He went to see a man.”

 

Jeff wondered if Jay realized the progress he had made with ‘Sam’ already. They were communicating with each other, these pieces of a whole. Sam leaving a note might not have comforted Jay, but it was an effort of sorts. Considering Jay’s words and the body language he was displaying, Jeff was almost positive Sam had made the most of his night out.

 

“So you believe Sam was intimate with this man?”

 

“He was.”

 

“Because of his note?”

 

“That and...I can tell. I have… bruises. Not bad…but I know what they’re from.”

 

Jay shrugged uncomfortably, waiting to hear Dr. Morgan’s chastisement. He had to ask what was flashing in his mind like a neon sign.

 

“Are you going to tell Tom?”

 

“No.” Dr. Morgan answered simply, honestly. “I am your doctor, Jay. You have patient privileges. There is nothing I would share with Tom without your expressed consent. Anything you tell me is private . You can say anything you like inside these four walls.”

 

Jay nodded, trying to gather his thoughts. “So if you won’t give me anything to help me wear him down or keep myself in line…what are you going to do? Because I can’t keep going on this way. I can’t.”

 

“I want to discover how this happened to you, Jay. I think we need to explore your past and find that moment that caused you so much distress.”

 

“My parents’ death.” Jay offered, saying it softly, almost a whisper.

 

“I don’t think so.” Dr. Morgan held up a hand when Jay shot him a look of surprise. “I am not doubting that was traumatic for you… but your parents were killed when you were nineteen and Sam was with you before that, am I correct?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“But you had the blackouts? Strange occurrences where you were accused of things you do not recall doing? Missing time?”

 

“I guess.”

 

Since Jay was not usually sullen or withdrawn, Jeff studied the young man a long moment before he asked. 

 

“What was your brother’s name?”

 

“Why?”

 

“It’s a simple question, Jay. We are just talking here. This is not an interrogation. Does it make you uncomfortable to discuss your family? .”

 

Jay looked down to his lap, feeling his heart settle into a dull thud in his chest, a pressure building as he held his breath and then let it go. He could not exactly say why it bothered him to talk about his brother. There was just a lump in his throat thinking about it. He answered grimly, “Patrick.”

 

“Patrick. He was older than you.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Do you miss him?”

 

Jay’s lips twisted a second. 

 

“He’s dead.”

 

“Jay.”

 

When Jay met his eyes, Dr. Morgan intoned. “I want to try to make this easier for you. Help you to talk about these things. We can speak in a way that makes you feel safe and relaxed. You won’t have to have anxiety over what we discuss.”

 

“You mean hypnosis.”

 

“Yes.” Jeff was careful in how he broached the topic, wondering what Jay knew about hypnosis. “It would only be the two of us. I will record it and you can listen to it after if you wish. A lot of people benefit from hypnosis because they feel at ease while being under. I want to help you. I want you to be healthy and happy- and I think we can make progress through hypnosis, but it’s your choice. We will not do anything you are not ready for.”

 

Speculatively, Jay watched Jeff a long moment before he nodded. “Alright.”

 

Jeff stood and pulled his chair closer to Jay’s, keeping a close eye on the young man. 

 

“Relax, Jay. Try to make your body as comfortable as you can, close your eyes.”

 

Jay did as he was told, listening to the sound of Jeff’s deep voice reassuring him that he was safe. That there was nothing to worry about. It was like dreaming, Jay thought to himself. It was the moment just before waking when you felt disjointed from your own body. He went slack in the chair, gradually sliding deeper into the trance as Jeff guided him. Jeff’s voice was Jay’s only focus, and his attention was fixed to the doctor’s every instruction.

 

“Jay, we are going to go back, far back. Before you came to my office for the first time. Before you met Tom. You are still living at home, with your parents and your brother. You are a little boy. I want you to look around you and tell me what you see.”

 

Jay was quiet for so long that Jeff almost repeated his question but then in a flat voice, Jay answered him.

 

“I’m in my room. I am playing with my cars, trying to be quiet.”

 

“Why are you being so quiet?”

 

Jay frowned and whispered. “Daddy likes it quiet.”

 

“How old are you, Jay?”

 

The young man seemed confused and then answered. “I’m seven.”

 

“Where is your father?”

 

The reply was so soft it almost escaped Jeff and he leaned in closer to catch it. 

 

“His room.”

 

Jay seemed afraid to talk too loud or too much. He shrank down into the chair which was strange given his long body. He hissed a breath in and whispered, “He won’t like me talking.”

 

Jeff watched Jay closely and then, “You’re safe, Jay. He can’t hear us talking. We can hear him, but he can’t hear us. You are safe. You are not in any danger. Tell me where Patrick is.”

 

Jay tensed and paled, his hands curling around the arms of his chair, gripping hard. He shakes his head, face etched in dread. “No.”

 

“Jay… do you share a room with Patrick?”

 

Jay eases very little in his chair. “Yes.”

 

“Do you like your older brother? Do you get along?”

 

“I love Patrick. He’s the smartest. He walks me to school. Lets me play with his stuff.”

 

“He sounds like a great older brother.” Jeff saw the minute nod from Jay and continued. “How old is Patrick?”

 

“Plus four to me. He’s eleven.” Jay replies in a soft tone, his breathing slow and even. “He’s a string bean.”

 

“Tall? Like you’ll be someday?”

 

“Yeah. He’s tall.” 

 

“Is he in the room with you, Jay?”

 

“No.”

 

“Where is he, Jay?”

 

Jay made a breathily pained sound and turned his head, as if listening for something. He blanched and dropped his head again, shoulders a harsh line.

 

“Daddy’s room.”

 

Hearing the underlying agitation in Jay’s voice, Jeff was carefully gentle in his tone.

 

“What is Patrick doing in Daddy’s room?”

 

Jay was so still, and Jeff considered withdrawing the question. He could ask other things less direct and slowly work towards what he wanted to know. There was no need to push Jay. Jay’s voice was quick, startling Jeff when he started talking in a rush.

 

“He’s playing with Daddy. It’s just them. It’s always just them and Patrick told me not to ask about it. Not to think about it. Just to stay away. Stay in here and be quiet. The door is shut. Daddy always shuts the door when it’s just them.”

 

Running a hand over his jaw, Jeff narrowed his eyes and detected the faint trembling working over Jay. He gave Jay a moment and then resumed.

 

“Can you hear what’s happening in Daddy’s room?”

 

Silence.

 

Jeff waited, keeping still and not causing any distractions. Jay was reluctant to answer, and it was troubling to the doctor. If it bothered Jay so much, then it was of importance. It was something that needed to be explored. Jeff made a mental note to ask Jay about family photos. He wanted to put faces to these people they were discussing. He wanted to see their faces and try to discern how their secrets might have effected Jay. Jay’s voice broke the interlude, soft and hesitant.

 

“I can hear moving. The bed. Like jumping on the bed.”

 

Jay gasped, one hand flying up to cover his mouth. His breathing sped up and Jeff spoke over the heaving sounds.

 

“Jay. You’re safe. You’re perfectly safe. No one can touch you here. No one but me can hear you. You are safe.”

 

Jeff rose and knelt beside Jay, just in case he needed to bring him out from under the hypnotic state. He was worried that the young man might hyperventilate or faint. 

 

“Jay, you are in a safe place. You are not in any danger whatsoever. You are not going to be hurt.”

 

“I was never hurt.”

 

Jay painfully whispered his confession.

 

“It was always Patty.”

 

Jeff frowned deeply at the evident pain in Jay’s voice, hearing the guilt and shame in those four words.

 

“Did Patrick tell you what was happening?”

 

“Yeah. Later. He told me.”

 

Jeff wanted to take Jay’s hand, just as one human being to another, he wanted to give that contact- but he had to keep from doing so. He felt they were growing closer to Jay’s point of separation within himself and he did not want to risk losing that development.

 

“Was your Daddy hurting him?”

 

“Inside.”

 

Jeff nodded, feeling his own nerves drawn tight. It was not an easy thing to hear about someone’s worse memories. 

 

“Your father was touching him?”

 

Jay’s lips drew back from his teeth and he snarled, “Yes.”

 

“It was inappropriate, bad touching?”

 

Jay hugged himself, not answering, at least not aloud. Jeff gave him some time before asking another question.

 

“Jay, I want you to come forward in time. You are going to leave your seven year old self. You are not in any danger, Jay. You are able to see and remember these things, but you are safe. I want you to remember Patrick’s passing. How old are you when Patrick dies?”

 

“Ah.” If he had been slapped, the sound would have made sense, Jeff mused, but it was an emotional pain that Jay felt. His sculpted hands were gripping his arms to either side as he went to his memories. “Fourteen. I’m fourteen.”

 

“Did you attend the funeral?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Tell me about the funeral.”

 

“No.”

 

“Jay…”

“No.”

 

Jeff nodded to himself. Jay was balking at the imagery, not even wanting to chance visiting that period of his life.

 

“How did Patrick die?”

 

“He was sick.”

 

“What was he suffering from? How was he sick?”

 

“He was sick of being alive.”

 

That arrested Jeff’s mind for a moment. The surety and simplicity of Jay’s tone made it seem terribly logical. That one could become ‘sick of being alive’ and perish.

 

“Did he kill himself, Jay?”

 

Sounding like a fragile adolescent, Jay whispered. “He was killed a long time before he finished himself off. What was he supposed to do? It hurt too much. He hurt all the time. He just wanted to rest.”

 

Jeff knew this was perilous territory and proceeded with utmost care. 

 

“How did he finish himself off?”

 

“He hung himself.”

 

“At your family home?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Who discovered Patrick had killed himself?”

 

“My mom.”

 

“Did you see your brother that way?”

 

Jay shook his head, but whispered, “Yes. Had to get him down. Mom said we had to get him down. It wasn’t right for anyone to see him that way. She said it was the drugs he did. But it wasn’t the drugs. The drugs slowed it down from happening sooner. But he couldn’t do it anymore.”

 

“Did your mother know what your father was doing? That he was hurting Patrick?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“She never tried to stop it?”

 

A hiss came from Jay. “She pretended not to know.”

 

“You resented your mother’s silence?”

 

“She was supposed to care.”

 

“Yes, yes she was.”

Jeff noticed how stony Jay’s face was and could easily peel away the years and see the young boy that had seen his older brother hanging before him dead. Cutting his brother down and being there to bury him, flanked by the villains of Patrick’s demise. The parents had both played a part in Patrick’s suicide, driving him to it. 

 

“Jay, did your father try to touch you?”

 

“One time.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“Someone stopped him.”

 

“How was he stopped?”

 

“No.”

 

“Jay?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t remember.”

 

“I think you do.”

 

Jay hid his face in his hands, curling his body, knees to his elbows.

 

“Jay, what happened to stop him?”

 

“Patrick said once… to never let it start. Not even one time. Nothing. To never let it start. But I couldn’t stop my Daddy. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to do. Patrick wasn’t there any more. Patrick couldn’t tell me what to say or where to hide. I needed someone. I couldn’t do it. I could never say ‘no’ to my father. He always got his way. I was so scared. I was just so scared. Always scared. Hated being home. Knew it was going to happen. No one would believe me. No one would save me. There was no one left.”

 

The onslaught of words was rapid, the boy barely breathing between. Jeff wished Jay’s father was still living so he could kick the man’s nuts into his stomach. Doctor or not, Jeff was feeling furious on Jay’s behalf. On Patrick’s as well. Jay was right, their mother was supposed to have cared.

 

“What happened when he tried to touch you?”

 

“I went…away.”

 

“You left the house?”

 

Silence greeted the question and Jeff tried again.

 

“Did you leave the house, Jay?”

 

“No. Left… me.”

 

Jeff scanned over Jay’s face closely.

 

“Who stopped your father, Jay?”

 

Thinking over it, locked in his mind’s eye, Jay could see his father’s shock and pained face. Heard his father grunt in agony when a boot-heel hit his exposed genitals. Jay was stunned at the visuals. He had never known before what had happened. Why his father avoided him like the plague and never tried it on with him again. His father had been skittish around him after that. He sounded wondering when he answered the Voice. Dr. Morgan’s voice made it okay to visit these things. He could tell the truth.

 

“Sam stopped him.”

 

“Where did Sam come from?”

 

Jeff saw how Jay’s eyes moved behind his closed lids, darting from side to side, obviously watching something.

 

“Patrick always said I was fussy. Picky. Wouldn’t eat everything on my plate. I couldn’t get ready as fast as he did. He called me ‘Sam I am’.”

 

“So Sam could deter your father when you were afraid.”

 

“Too late. He came too late. He didn’t save Patrick.”

 

“Maybe he was afraid. We all get afraid, Jay. We all have fears.”

 

“Doesn’t make it okay.”

 

Jeff had to tip his head back because damn it, his eyes were tearing up on him. He stood and walked in a slow circle, gathering his thoughts.

 

“Jay, how did your parents die?”

 

“Car crash. Drunk driver hit them.”

 

“Were you left an inheritance?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“What happened to it?”

 

Jay shrugged, muttering. “I left it alone.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because it was theirs.”

 

“So you’ve never touched your inheritance.”

 

“No.”

 

Jeff was going to come back to that later.

 

“Jay, did you go to your parents’ funeral?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Why did you go?”

 

“To make sure they were dead.”

 

Jay’s tone was flat, empty but there were levels there. He meant every word.

 

“Jay, did you have more headaches around your parents? More blackouts?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Did they ever ask you about those times you couldn’t remember?”

 

“They didn’t want to make a big deal about it. Didn’t want me to have to ‘see’ someone. Afraid of what I’d say.”

 

“I see.”

 

Seeing how exhausted Jay was, Jeff decided it was time to bring Jay back to himself.

 

“Jay, I want you to listen to my voice. You are going to wake up, come back to now. We are going to talk a little more. You will feel calm, in control. At peace. You are safe… I am going to slowly count you back…”

 

Seemingly agreeable, the patient relaxed in his chair. Jeff gradually brought him out of his trance state, watching intently for any signs of distress. The young man took a deep breath, opening his eyes when told to do so. He sat up in his chair and looked around the room swiftly before eyeing Dr. Morgan. He smiled a little, a polite smile that was slightly confused and then he spoke.

 

“You’re Dr. Morgan.”

 

“Yes.”

 

Jeff wondered if Jay was having some trouble completely leaving the images he had just been submerged in. The young man was wiping tears from his cheeks, looking at the moisture in concern. Something about the way Jay sat there was different. He seemed so calm and collected.

 

“Jay?”

 

The patient’s gaze was sympathetic before he responded. 

 

“I really don’t think so.”

 

“Sam?”

 

“Oh, no… no.” There was a soft laugh, fond and teasing at the same time.

 

“Then, if I might ask, who are you?”

 

A confused frown was on the younger man’s face before he shook his head.

 

“I’m not really sure.”

 

“What do you mean you aren’t sure? What do people call you?”

 

“I don’t recall.”

 

Jeff frowned, running over the details of their session and wondering why Jay had not been the one to wake up. Even Sam telling him to back off would have been acceptable, workable. This new face watching him with such patience was a whole other knot to untangle. He could not very well send an amnesiac out of his office and hope for the best. This development might mean Jay had to have his restrictions changed, possibly need around-the-clock care.

 

“What about ‘Jared’?”

 

Jeff was surprised at the light question. “Excuse me?”

 

“It says ‘Jared Tristan Padalecki-Wells’ on the file. I like ‘Jared’. You can call me that.”

 

“Jared it is then. Do you know Sam and Jay?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Oh, of course, Jeff thought to himself. He knew it wasn’t Sam playing a prank on him. Sam never went so long without shifting around or flashing those you-know-you-want-it smiles.

 

“How long have you know them?”

 

“All my life.” Jared sighed. “I think.”

 

“But you don’t know who ‘you’ are?” 

 

Jeff was genuinely worried, wanting to be sure how to move on from here.

 

Jared considered the question, before answering in a reasonable tone. 

 

“I am part of them. That makes sense. I can see them both. Know them and what they do.”

 

“But Sam can’t see you?”

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

Jeff was going to need more coffee.

 

“Do you know all about Jay, his schedule? His husband?”

 

Jared frowned but nodded. “Yes. I know all of that. I don’t care for Tom. But that’s not mine to say.”

 

“Even when you are in charge of the body?”

 

“I can’t remember the last time I *was* in charge. I don’t remember it.”

 

Jeff rubbed over the back of his neck.

 

“Can I speak to Jay, please?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Jared started to close his eyes and then stopped, looking to Dr. Morgan.

 

“Don’t worry so much, Dr. Morgan. I think you’re doing a world of good. You are really helping them.”

“Thanks.”

 

Jeff could not help feeling the younger man was trying to comfort him. It should be the other way around. When Jay was with him again, Jeff asked him.

 

“Do you want to skip classes today, Jay? I think it might be for the best. I would like for you to stay in today. It’s raining buckets out. It’s a good day to read a book, relax. I think you need to have a rest.”

 

Since he felt drained, Jay nodded in assent. He could not imagine hauling himself through his classes right now. 

 

“That’s fine, Dr. Morgan. Did I fall asleep? Did the hypnosis work?”

 

“Yes.” Jeff thought whatever he said would be an understatement. “It worked. We made some definite progress, Jay. You did very well.”

 

“Can I hear the recording?”

 

Jeff glanced to the microphone and recorder. 

 

“I would prefer you wait until you’re not so tired. How about tomorrow?”

 

Jay was agreeable, standing and stretching the tension from his body.

 

“I’ll just go back to my room then.”

 

“That would be for the best. What are you doing for dinner tonight? Maybe you’d let me treat you?”

 

Jay smiled, looking touched at the suggestion. 

 

“Thanks. I’d like that.”

 

After Jay left, Jeff sat down with the taped session, listening to it all over again, hearing those changes and shifts from Jay to Jared. Jay, Sam, Jared. The doctor drank his coffee and wondered which was first. The core. The original. Or had he not found ’that person’ yet?


	7. Chapter 7

The reason behind going out for dinner was to get his mind off things. Things being ‘Sam’. Sam whose sock he had thrown in with his own laundry like the guy might come back for it. Or run an ad in the paper reading ‘lonely sock seeks same.’ Jensen knew he was really way too into a guy that he barely knew. Had Sam not made it clear that he wanted to have a drive-by fuck? Sam had bolted out of the place once they were done, and it was apparent that he wanted Jensen to back off. But still yet, Jensen let the man’s face fill up his mind and wondered where the confidence had gone when Sam had told him to be wary of him. That he was a mess waiting to happen. 

 

“Hey, if you want to stare meaningfully into your steak, I can leave you two alone.”

 

Jensen smiled and looked over to his best friend. Chris was massacring his baked potato, and tired of making one sided conversation. Jensen realized he must have missed grunting at an important part of Chris’ story. That was usually the only way Chris Kane noticed if someone was not appreciating his company like they should.

 

“Sorry, man. Just gathering wool.”

 

“Noticed.”

 

Chris pointed his potato and cheese covered fork at Jensen. 

 

“You’ve been a space case ever since we got here. What is it? P.M.S.? Pretty Man Syndrome got you down?”

 

Trying to laugh it off, Jensen shrugged one shoulder and cut a slice of his perfectly prepared steak, giving it his full attention.

 

“You told me to quit talking about it.”

 

“Ooooh. This is over the boy.” Chris grinned and raised both brows. He chuckled richly over Jensen’s plight. “You know, some guys would be happy they got laid. You said it was good. You should embrace that. Like the Beatles say ‘Let It Be’. You needed it. You got it. End of story.”

 

“Yeah, well, maybe he’s like heroin.”

 

Chris had to hurry up to chew and swallow so he could comment on that verbal gold.

 

“So you going to start needing to tie off and get a hit? Jensen. No matter how good he was, you are compatible with other outlets besides him. You can plug in and be happy with other innies.”

 

Jensen winced at the pictures Chris was painting in that lazy good ole boy drawl of his. Innies. He sipped his wine as he came up with a response to get Chris off his back.

 

“Is that why you stay with Steve? You don’t seem to be looking around any more.”

 

“This is true. He’s the one. But I had some fun before the one, you know. You don’t have to feel bad for liking what happened or for moving on. People do it all the time. There’s even a name for it. ‘One Night Stand’. You aren’t breaking any laws by chalking it up to experience, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and moving the hell on.”

 

As kindly as the words were meant, Jensen wasn’t buying it. Surely if Sam had caught his interest more so than anyone else he had ever slept with, it meant *something* That indefinable whatever it was kept Jensen thinking about the sounds Sam made as they pleasured one another. The smiles and whispers and how sweet those hazel eyes were when Sam was dazed from orgasm.

 

“You just don’t know, Chris. There’s something about him.”

 

“Maybe…but maybe you can find that same something somewhere else once I get you so drunk you can’t remember if you’re supposed to scratch your watch or wind your ass.”

 

Chris grinned to his friend and winked. He was good for getting Jensen smashed and then pouring him into bed. As an additional service, he even answered the phone the following mornings when Jen would call to bitch him out for his horrendous hangovers. Seeing Jensen’s eyes going all dreamy again, Chris kicked his shin under the table, but didn’t even get a curse word for it. Instead Jensen nodded tightly past Chris’ shoulder and whispered, “That’s him. Over there. With the old guy.”

 

Chris started to look but Jensen hissed, “DON’T LOOK.” So Chris had to wait a few minutes before casually glancing in the direction that Jensen was SO looking in. He saw the two dark haired men, one older- but not *old*. Since the younger guy had to be Sam, Chris assumed Jensen might take umbrage at the older guy being around Sam at all. How dare Sam know people that Jensen did not know or approve of. Chris smiled and kept from teasing Jensen.

 

“He’s good looking, I’ll give you that.”

 

“He’s not good looking. He’s fucking beautiful.”

 

“And you said weird. Weird and spacey.”

 

“I never said spacey.”

 

“It was implied.”

 

Chris thanked their waitress for refilling their drinks, seeing how Jensen kept glancing Sam’s way. Sam did not seem to be aware he was drawing attention. He was talking only to the man he was with, flashing smiles that seemed shy to Chris. He sure didn’t look like the daredevil Jensen had described. Wearing a nice suit, dining with an older gentleman. Maybe Sam was an escort. Chris bumped Jensen’s foot with his own.

 

“Why don’t you go over and say hello?”

 

Jensen’s eyes were drilling holes in the guy sitting with Sam before he gave Chris a headshake of negation.

 

“Why the hell would I do that? He’s on a date. Or maybe that’s his boyfriend.”

 

“Or maybe he’s out with a friend like you are, Einstein.”

 

Chris finished his dinner in relative silence since Jensen was busy ‘not watching’ Sam.

 

“Jen? You want the bill now?”

 

“No. Let’s get dessert.”

 

Chris had to bait his friend. “You never get dessert…”

 

“Order. Some. Fucking. Dessert.”

 

Jensen signaled to their server and asked for the dessert menu he had declined earlier. Once the menu was brought, he ordered a mocha and hazelnut craquant and a cappuccino. He wasn’t sure what a ‘craquant’ was, but it would do.

 

Chris requested the black velvet chocolate cake and a cup of coffee, playing along. After their server left them, he rested his elbows to the table, whispering to Jensen.

 

“You want to give me a note and I’ll take it to his table. You can do the whole ‘do you like me, check yes or no’ thing.”

 

Green eyes speared into Chris as Jensen grumbled.

 

“There’s no harm looking.”

 

“Nope… none at all. Unless he notices and thinks you’re creepy.”

 

“I’m not creepy.”

 

“I love you and yes, you are.”

 

Their desserts arrived and Chris was not surprised that Jensen didn’t touch his. Someone was a little too busy obsessing to eat. Seeing Jensen perk up, Chris looked to see why. Ah, Sam was leaving the table, heading back to the men’s room. 

 

“Jensen-”

 

Wasted breath really, since Jensen was already in pursuit. Not running or anything, obviously, but definitely bee-lining after Sam. Taking Jensen’s dessert, Chris cut into the little chocolate piece of sin.

 

“Looks like it’s just you and me, beautiful, until Jensen is done having bathroom sex.”

 

Chris smiled to the dessert as he thought of all he had to tell Steve later. Munching on the scrumptious dessert, he mumbled for his own amusement.

 

“I’m at your table, eatin your props.”

 

***

It was not a date, by any means. Jay was a married man and a patient, but Jeff could still appreciate the company. Jay was not just nice to look at, he was also sweet and self-effacing, making Jeff feel protective of him. He wanted to see Jay laugh the way Sam would, a smile that even reached his eyes. As it was, when Jay did smile it was so quick, reminding Jeff of how he had grown so frustrated as a young boy watching a meteor shower. There had been sparks and bursts of the meteors hitting the atmosphere but they went by so swiftly that he hated thinking he might miss one. Jay’s smiles were like that. There and then gone, tiny testaments to all he had to be sad over. Patrick, his parents, his life with Tom, his confusion over himself and his future. Jeff knew Jay was feeling the strain of it all, even with so much locked away. He wanted to make certain Jay had a good night out. Take his mind off of things. He was happy to coax Jay into eating, the excellent food tempting the young man into trying some of Jeff’s food as well. Jeff had to remind himself that this was Jay, not Sam- and even if it was Sam, he was a doctor. He would not take advantage of a patient. It was a fine line to walk when he cared about Jay and Sam already. Jared had been so brief an encounter, a blank slate- but Jeff knew he would see him again.

 

Jay cut into Jeff’s reverie when he spoke.

 

“I need to use the restroom. I’ll be right back.”

 

“Do you want more bread? I can ask the server…”

 

“Yes, please. I think I could just eat croissants all night.”

 

Jay smiled and walked away from the table, heading towards the back of the restaurant. He was completely unaware that he had been watched since arriving- and was now being followed. Entering the men’s room, he used the facilities and then moved to wash his hands. Drying his hands, Jay noticed someone else was there a second before he heard Jensen’s voice close to his ear.

 

“Fancy meeting you here.”

 

Jay tensed all over and not just from being startled. He had reacted as if snapped with static electricity just from feeling Jensen’s breath tickle over his ear. Jay turned to face Jensen, moving past the sink basin until the marble wall was at his back and he was stuck there. He had worked himself into a corner and felt terribly awkward. All he could do was face the man before him. Jensen was even better looking than he had remembered. Granted he had not seen Jensen dressed up before but still, some people did not need to be prettier than they already were.

 

“Jensen.”

 

“Sam.”

 

Jay did not correct Jensen, afraid to even move. They stood so close to each other that he could feel the warmth radiating from Jensen past clothing and all things civilized. It was primal, a call to his own body to respond to the fire in narrowed green eyes. Jay felt himself getting hard just from this, their eyes locked. He struggled to think of something to say to break the spell of attraction.

 

“I didn’t know you were here.”

 

“I know. You never looked away from your…date.”

 

Jensen wished he didn’t sound like it mattered to him that Sam had a date. Sam wasn’t his property. They weren’t even ‘seeing’ each other. One fuck does not a claim stake. He licked over his lips, staring at Sam’s mouth, remembering kissing him, sucking at his tongue. He was recalling being in Sam to the hilt and feeling that tight hole wrapped around him. He focused on Sam’s mouth, seeing the flicker of his tongue behind his teeth and wanting it for his own.

 

“Date?”

 

Jay raised a brow and then smiled shyly, cheeks tinting. He shook his head and could not stop just gazing at Jensen, feeling like he had to be gaping like an idiot.

 

“Yeah, old guy… keeps touching your hand… sitting at your table. Unless he’s your dad?”

 

Catty, Ackles. Jensen chided himself . He was sure Sam was going to call him on his attitude any second, and he would deserve it. He had it coming. He was being bitchy and invading Sam’s space. Definitely intruding on his evening.

 

“No. He’s a friend.” 

 

The words were shared so swiftly, breathily. Jay’s Adam’s-apple flexed as he swallowed. He knew he should say something about getting back to his table. To Dr. Morgan and the safety of his company. He didn’t feel safe with Jensen- not that he was afraid of Jensen. He was afraid of himself *around* Jensen. He was having issues breathing when Jensen pressed to him. The feel of Jensen’s palm to his jaw gave him hot-cold chills.

 

“You’re trembling.” Jensen whispered.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“You don’t have to be sorry…” 

 

Jensen delved his fingers into Sam’s hair, the pad of his thumb rubbing the edge of the taller man’s ear.

 

“I’ve been thinking about you… ever since the other night. Before that even.”

 

Teeth clenched, Jay slanted his eyes to the side, so out of his element. He wanted to kiss Jensen so bad it took all he had not to lean forward. To just ask for it by making a sound of pleading. He felt Jensen’s arousal throbbing to his hip, his own shaft wedged between their bellies. 

 

“Jensen, you…ah… “

 

Having your ear licked while you’re trying to form sentences was not helpful. He moaned at the suck over his earlobe and the feel of Jensen’s fingers gripping the back of his neck. He had not experienced such need in so long, it made him yearn. He could not recall the last time he had been so turned on. Hissing through his teeth, he leaned into Jensen’s body before slamming himself back to the wall. He needed to get out away from Jensen Ackles, not ride his leg.

 

“Stop. Jensen. Stop.”

 

Lips full from having licked and kissed over Sam’s ear and neck, Jensen smiled slowly. His eyes were drowned in heat, barely visible under his curled lashes.

 

“Leave with me.”

 

Jay thought he might faint from all the crossed wires firing off in his brain. Like he could make a decision with all the stimuli he was taking in.

 

“I can’t.” Seizing on a logical point, Jay added. “I’m here with someone.”

 

“So am I. They’ll understand. Or they won’t but they’ll get over it.”

 

Jensen’s hands were under Sam’s jacket, working open the bottom buttons of his dress shirt. He sighed deeply when his hands were pressed to warm, firm skin. He slid his hands around Sam’s waist, fingers digging in insistently. Jay’s hands went around his wrists and slowly pulled his hands free. They stared at each other, sharing a breath as their mouths were so close together. Neither one heard the restroom door open.

 

Jeff took in the scene of Jay pressed to the wall, cheeks flushed and hair messy around his face. The man plastered to Jay was a stranger to Jeff, but he suspected this was not Jay’s first time meeting the blond man. The blond man that had Jay’s complete attention. Jeff had become concerned when Jared did not come back from the men’s room. Now he saw what was keeping the younger man.

 

“Am I interrupting something?”

 

Jensen stepped back from Sam when he heard the voice from behind him, looking unashamedly to Jeff before he said bluntly, “Yes.”

 

Jay was hurriedly straightening his clothing, buttoning his shirt as he flushed. He shot Jensen a frown and then winced to Dr. Morgan.

 

“Sorry, sorry. I… no… you aren’t. Jensen…this is Dr. Jeff Morgan.”

 

“Charmed.” Jensen said tightly, knowing Dr. Jeff Morgan was cock-blocking him.

 

“I’m sure.” Jeff replied in kind, cupping Jay’s elbow and pulling him away from Jensen. Jeff spared Jensen a nod before he was walking out of the men’s room with Jay in front of him. 

 

***

 

When Jensen came back to their table, Chris saw he was in a real bad mood. Which was understandable since Sam’s date had gone back to get him and they had left shortly afterwards. Chris polished off the last bite of Jensen’s dessert and sighed.

“I take it y’all didn’t have dirty bathroom sex?”

 

Jensen sipped his coffee and frowned at his empty plate, smeared with remains of what had been a beautiful dessert. He glanced over to the table being cleared, Sam noticeably already gone.

 

“I guess that is supposed to tell me something.”

 

Reaching over, Chris clapped a hand to Jensen’s shoulder.

 

“Big deal, man. He’s missing out. I’ve seen you naked. He’s totally only hurting himself.”

 

Almost smiling, Jensen shook his head. He was remembering how Sam was relenting to him, becoming loose and hot in his hands. Wanting more. 

 

“I never said I was giving up.”

 

There was a loud clang as Chris threw down his fork and glowered at his friend. He leaned in, trying not to lose his cool in the middle of the restaurant.

 

“Jensen. For the love of fuck, why are you doing this to yourself? You can find someone available. You can find someone that’s not going to fuck and run if you want them to hang around. Come on.”

 

Chris grabbed the leather case holding the check when Jensen reached for it, smacking it to the table.

 

“Fuck that. Already paid. Listen to me here.”

 

“I am listening, Chris. I just don’t plan on letting it go like that.”

 

They rose, leaving the table, Chris keeping a close watch on Jensen as he snapped at him.

 

“You just want him because he’s being difficult. Swear to God. You’ve got some Alexander the Great conquer the world through his pants complex.”

 

Jensen waited until they were in the parking lot to respond. “That’s bullshit, my friend. Bullshit. I like him because he’s hot as hell and I want him. That’s all you need to know.”

 

Opening the door of his truck and climbing into the driver’s side, Chris sniped.

 

“Right. Well when you get arrested for having him tied up in your basement-”

 

“I don’t have a basement.”

 

“Well that’s a huge weight off my mind.”

 

***

 

Jay was burning with embarrassment as he sat across from Dr. Morgan in his room at the Ganymede House, holding a cooling mug of coffee from the nurse’s station. Jeff decided they needed coffee to talk. Jay had no excuse for how he had acted and it was making him almost mute with shame. 

 

“I’m not judging you, Jay. I just want you to talk to me. That is why I’m here. You could tell me who the man was. Who is this ‘Jensen’ to you?”

 

Jeff sat in the chair facing the bed, Jay sitting on the bed facing him- his head down like a little boy in the principal’s office. Jeff waited, watching Jay closely. He knew Jay was embarrassed, being caught the way he had. He had been aroused as well, and on a man built like Jay it was very evident when he was hard. Jeff was trying to ease Jay past his reservations and get him to talk, but it was not going well so far. Jay had wanted to leave the restaurant immediately, waiting outside while Jeff paid. The ride back to Ganymede House was silent, Jay looking out his window for the trip. Jeff sighed gently and sat aside his now empty coffee cup.

 

“Jay? I need you to know whatever I saw is between us, Jay. I am not going to be reporting on you. The reason I am asking you these things is because you need to talk about them. For your sake.”

 

“He’s the one Sam had sex with.”

 

Jay shrugged after his words and then quit pretending he might drink his coffee. He shifted uncomfortably on his bed, still fully dressed, wanting to keep covered. He could not even imagine what Jeff had to be thinking of him now. When Jeff stayed quiet, Jay expounded. 

 

“He’s a writer. Jensen Ackles.”

 

“I’ve heard of him. His writing, I mean. I haven’t read any of it.”

 

Jeff relaxed back to his chair, recalling how Ackles had glared at him for breaking up his interlude. Jensen was a new factor, and some part of Jeff- and he knew which part- resented the man’s presence altogether. Not that he was considering Jay in those terms. He shook his head, seeing Jay finally meet his eyes.

 

“He’s very talented.” Jay whispered. “I mean…his writing.”

 

“I’m sure he is. So Sam likes Jensen.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And you do too?”

 

Jay pouted, turning his head to the side. “Yes.”

 

“Well, that’s something, isn’t it?”

 

Jeff brushed his knuckles over his bearded chin, sizing up the situation.

 

“Are you going to see him again?”

 

“No.”

 

“Are you sure about that?”

 

Jay nodded firmly. 

 

“I am sure.”

 

“And Sam?”

 

“I can’t speak for Sam.”

 

“Do you like that fact?”

Jay’s brows lifted and he was not sure if he should answer- or if that answer should be truthful.

 

“That’s what I thought.” Jeff sighed. “You can’t rely on Sam to do these things without taking any responsibility, Jay. If you are thinking to see Jensen- if you’re entertaining ideas of him, you need to accept that. Accept that it’s part of you and what *you* desire.”

 

“NO! It‘s not me. It‘s not me he even likes. It‘s Sam. He calls me Sam. It doesn‘t have anything to do with me.”

 

Jay stood, suddenly, glaring at Jeff before he paled and sank back down to his bed, taken aback by his outburst. He hid his face in his hands.

 

“Oh my God, I’m… I’m jealous of Sam.”

 

“You have a husband, Jay.”

 

“I know.”

 

“It’s just something to keep in mind. Sam doesn’t care about Tom, but you do.”

 

Jay was pensive and watching the floor between his feet.

 

“Yeah. I mean…I do.”

 

But it sounded weak, even to his own ears.


	8. Chapter 8

His head felt like it was filled with angry bees. Jay thought about it and dimly recalled a Sylvia Plath poem he had read about bees. Being afraid of the bees ever escaping their box, hearing them within their prison. His thoughts were like that. He sat up after wishing Dr. Morgan a good night. He sat on his borrowed bed in a strange room, staring into the dark. His mind just refused to shut up. He kept thinking of everything Jensen had said to him- thinking he was Sam. About how they could go away together, for however long, and either it would be forgiven and understood or it wouldn’t be. Either outcome had seemed agreeable to Jensen. But Jensen was free. The way Sam was free. Jensen did not have a husband. A marriage. A ring on his finger. The pad of Jay’s thumb was turning the wedding ring on his finger. He had been wearing his ring tonight but Jensen either did not notice it or did not know what it was. Of course, depending on what Sam had told Jensen, who knew what the man might be accepting of? Maybe Sam had told Jensen he was married or seeing someone. No. Jay found that hard to believe. It wasn’t that he knew Sam well or at all- but if Jensen didn’t like the sight of him with Dr. Morgan then he might have a real problem with sharing, thinking Sam was in a committed relationship with someone else. 

 

Committed.

 

Was he really able to say he had a committed relationship when he was the only one thinking it was wrong to sleep around? Jay felt guilty even thinking this way, but he had to follow some of his thoughts. It seemed the place where he would have shoved all of these things was becoming over-full to bursting. No more skeletons would fit in the closet. He had to actually consider aspects of his life that he was uncomfortable with. So, Tom and infidelity. He knew Tom slept with Evan. Evan himself had given Jay several significant looks and made comments around Tom, touching him more than necessary. Tom never scolded or reprimanded Evan for it either. As long as it wasn’t blatant, it was like foreplay for them. After all, Jay was in no position to question or accuse Tom. Tom made a point of telling Jay how he was given everything. How he was taken care of. If he told Tom he was unhappy then …well Jay wasn’t sure what would happen. He had never contradicted Tom really. Nor had he ever stated his own wants and boundaries in their relationship. He knew that Tom did not see him as an equal. He also knew that Tom would never tolerate him cheating or having an ‘open marriage’. No, their marriage was only open from Tom’s side. 

 

Besides, Jay didn’t think he would want to live a life where his husband wasn’t really his. He took a deep breath, realizing that was exactly what he was doing. He was just staying where Tom put him and following Tom’s last given directions. Not saying a word about that smarmy-faced slut that Tom had with him in Vegas. Jay winced at the words he had flying through his mind, his hands clenched into fists. He was feeling strangely elated to think without anyone there to tell him he was wrong. He could call Tom whatever he wanted to in his head. 

 

He closed his eyes at the pain in his head, not sure if it was a real headache or Sam. It was hard to say, as tired as he was. He reached over and turned on the lamp, picking up the notebook where Sam had written down Jensen’s address. Jay carefully marked out the address and then tore the piece of paper up and threw it away. Looking at the clean sheet of paper before him, he tapped it with his pen and then whispered.

 

“I know you can hear me, Sam. I am guessing I’m probably not supposed to talk to you since… it’s me talking to myself or whatever… but… right now…I am confused. I figure you probably don’t agree with me or like the choices I make… and I understand that… still… you can’t see him again. Not Jensen. He seems like a really nice guy. I mean, from what I saw and all. He deserves better than me. Than us. He needs someone whole. Not a mess. We don’t have anything to offer, you know? We … God, I can’t believe I’m saying this to an empty room- but you should know it. Believe it. If you care about him at all, you’ll steer clear of him. I know you can pretend for some time, but you can’t pretend forever. He’ll know. He’ll find out somehow who I am and what’s wrong with me. Someone will say something. Or you’ll be at the wrong place at the wrong time. You’ll slip up, or I will- and it will be laid out for him in black and white. As much as you think you like him- imagine him hating you. Imagine the look on his face when…”

 

He had to stop talking, his chest hitching as he started crying. The words were like knives, sharpened and hungry. He forced himself to keep talking, hoping against hope it might do some good.

 

“If he finds out, Sam… he’ll try to think of the nicest way, the quickest way, to tell you that he can’t handle it. How he can’t deal with what’s wrong with me. He can’t handle it and doesn’t want to try. We aren’t worth it. No boyfriend is signing on for us. That maybe the package was nice but the price is way too high. You get it? It hurts to say it, but it’d be a million times worse to hear it. You think of it, Sam. You think of Jensen being afraid… t-to be alone with you. Because you‘re crazy. How he can‘t introduce you to anyone or trust you. He couldn’t explain this, us. He shouldn’t have to. He still has a chance to be with someone normal. It would never- ever be anything but him trying to get past your problem. How could you even trust yourself? How could you know it’s you…or me…or someone else that would be with him? That he wouldn’t be in any danger if you didn’t know what was happening? Think about it. Let him be worth more than just having fun. ”

 

Face wet and pained, Jay stretched out on his bed, hugging one of his pillows. He turned off the lamp and lay there for about an hour before the crying slaked off. He was too tired to keep crying. His eyes hurt with it and he felt trampled.

 

“Just…please… please…”

 

Jay murmured the words as he fell asleep, not moving even when the night nurse came in to do the bed check. He was deep in his dreams, and in those dreams, it was alright to think of Jensen. In his dream he could lie next to Jensen, in a room he could not recall having been in, but he knew it was Jensen’s. They were kissing and smiling to one another, and it felt so good.

 

***

 

He was surprised to wake up the next morning. It wasn’t morning really, since it was twelve forty-seven, but Jay was not even thinking about the classes he had missed by sleeping in. He dreaded it for a moment as he wondered what had happened in his sleep. He was changed out of his dress clothes, wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. He patted himself down, looking for any clues of what might have happened to him. He had nothing. No new marks, no strange scents like tobacco smoke from the clubs. He was not hung over in the least. His face hurt from crying but he was not looking sallow or anything. Jay stood in front of the bathroom mirror and did a more thorough check over his frame for any love-bites or bruises. There was still nothing new. The smudges left by Jensen were yellowing already, almost gone, and he thought he might miss them when they were completely faded. He stared at his reflection, but it was just himself looking back. There was no silent message in his eyes or a smile he couldn’t explain. 

 

Walking back to his bed, Jay almost slid when his socked foot landed on his notebook. He righted himself and saw there was writing on the front of the notebook. Looking around his room like he might not be alone, he crouched down and picked up the notebook, taking it with him to his bed. The notebook rested to his knees as he read the words that had been so carefully printed for him. He knew he was demented. Had to be. Reading notes from himself. How messed up was that? He combed his long fingers through his hair, pulling it back from his eyes as he held his breath reading.

 

‘I didn’t go out. I didn’t go anywhere. I just stayed in and thought about some things. It was really depressing. I don’t think I like it very much at all. It’s true I don’t want to be part of some ‘big reveal’. It’s easier to be a freak if I’m there and gone and people only see what I show them. Maybe I’d show too much and that would be me sharpening the sword I fell on. I don’t want that. I don’t think I could handle it, and by me I mean all of me. I hadn’t thought a lot on there being someone besides what I know of. That’s creepy. I don’t like it. Got a session today with Jeff. Need to go. No sitting around the room being a pathetic sad sack. Nothing gets fixed or better by hiding out. You can’t hide too. I’m the only one that doesn’t and I’m the bad one. So maybe I do like him. Maybe that’s okay. I didn’t know we had rules here. It’s not like it’s common. I can’t promise you anything. I can’t even promise myself. I can try. I’ve got things to be afraid of too- mostly you.”

 

The letter ended with a scribbled ‘S’ that was almost lost in the last two words of Sam’s message. Jay did not doubt Sam had done that on purpose. He knew Sam had to feel trapped and claustrophobic sitting in their room all night, trying to keep from going out. It wasn’t fair or right to Sam. To himself? Jay groaned and shook his head, so tired of trying to sort out who he was and how to be himself. It was complicated and scary. He also did not miss Sam telling him to go and see Dr. Morgan. He was surprised that Sam called Dr. Morgan ‘Jeff’ like they were old friends. It was a little too casual for Jay. He wondered what would happen if he did skip his appointment. What would it cause? An all points bulletin to track him down? Would the staff at Ganymede House spread out in a searching grid over the city until he was brought in, tagged and accounted for? He didn’t even know. He was about to set the notebook aside when he saw that there was writing on the next page. It wasn’t a note really, it seemed to be a poem. Jay read it and could hear the light strains of a melody, knowing Sam had hummed a tune as he wrote the …song. It was a song.

 

‘Before you go, walk out that door…

And I become a song you just don’t sing anymore

There’s a secret I need to tell

Something you should know.

I’ve got an angel

He’s watching over me

He’s an angel

Of Lesser Things.

For every book you never wrote

All the songs you just can’t sing

There’s an angel to keep them

An angel of Lesser Things

He holds me when I’m cold

He loves me when I’m down

Brings the sun, cools the moon

Never lets me drown

In the deep lost blues of morning

When no one else comes around

I’ve got an angel

He’s watching over me

He’s my angel

My angel

Of Lesser Things.’

 

Jay read over the words again, and felt like he couldn’t be expected to leave his room today. He just wanted to hide away. If even Sam couldn’t go out- or hadn’t, at least- surely it was acceptable for him to play the hermit as well. He didn’t feel hungry, and he wasn’t willing to venture out of his room to go to lunch in the cafeteria. Ganymede House had a very nice cafeteria, referred to as the dining area. Good food too, but if he planned on pretending to be too sick to go to see Dr. Morgan later, it would behoove him to stay hidden for awhile. He was almost ashamed of himself for taking out Jensen’s book to read. He wanted to finish it. It would keep him busy and quiet. He buried his nose in Jensen’s novel and concentrated on Erin and the vampires. He was pretty sure that Erin was not Jensen. The vampire siblings held tiny hints of Jensen- but not quite. It was as he reached the fifteenth chapter , he found a character that reflected Jensen. The young priest that came to Erin, trying to warn him away from the vampires. Telling the witch male to come away from them and their endeavors. The blood rituals and orgies were draining Erin, his body was growing addicted to the blood-drinkers and all they did to him. Jay was so drawn into the story, pretty sure that the priest, Ishmael, was going to fall for Erin. Ishmael was taking care of Erin, helping him through the withdrawals caused by no longer being fed on by the vampires, their saliva containing opiates as strong as high-grade heroin. Jay barely heard the knock on his door before it was opening. His eyes widened in surprise when Tom was just there. 

 

“Surprise, baby!”

 

Jay closed the book and set it aside, making a muffled grunt when Tom lifted him from the bed by holding his wrists, pulling him into a tight hug. He turned his head to the side to take Tom’s kiss to his cheek instead of his mouth, dazed.

 

“You’re back early.”

 

“I finished up quicker than I’d planned. The deal is golden. I landed the contract for the new casino just off the stretch. You’ll love the plans I’ve already drawn up. Well let me look at you… stand up straight, Jay…”

 

“There’s no smoking here.”

 

It was all Jay could say when Tom started to pull out his cigarettes. He gestured towards the room around him as Tom looked at him askance.

 

“It’s part of the rules, Tom.”

 

“We wouldn’t want to break any rules.”

 

Tom smiled and tucked his cigarette case away, pulling Jay close by grabbing his t-shirt.

 

“How are you feeling? You look okay. Sorry I didn’t call. Things got really busy.”

 

Jay pulled back from Tom and walked over to open the window, wanting some air. The scent of Tom’s cologne was irritating him. Tom was wearing almost enough scent to cover the smell of sex, but not quite. He hadn’t even showered after fucking whoever he had been with last. Jay was not so naïve as to believe only Evan had shared Tom’s bed. It could have been any man with a pretty face and nice body.

 

“I’m not ‘better’, if that’s what you’re asking. Dr. Morgan is doing his best…but I-”

 

“And you? Are YOU doing YOUR best?”

 

At Jay’s look, Tom sighed. Jay wasn’t coming away from the window, and that mildly annoyed him. Tom moved to stand behind Jay, one strong arm wrapping around his husband’s waist as he pulled him close. Tom kissed the nape of Jay’s neck, not knowing a bite mark was mere inches from his lips, hidden by Jay’s t-shirt.

 

“I *miss* you, baby. I need you home with me. You know I’m not happy when we’re apart. You need to come home.”

 

Jay squirmed free of Tom and turned to face him.

 

“I can’t yet. Not until I’m better. I can’t trust myself. I can’t be around you when I don’t know what might happen. You know what Dr. Morgan said. I am not going to just snap out of this, Tom.”

 

“I heard the doctor- but I talked to some friends of mine and none of them had even heard of this ‘M.P.D’ stuff…”

 

Shaken, hurt, Jay was sure he had heard wrong.

 

“You *told* your…friends? About me?”

 

“Not like it’s a bad thing. You know how many of them have wives in rehab? Don’t look at me like that, Jay. It’s no big deal. Hell, there’s nothing wrong with you that a vacation won’t fix. You just need to get your mind off-”

 

“No.”

 

Tom paused and then scrutinized Jay. 

 

“What did you just say?”

 

Moving back from Tom, Jay edged closer to the door to the hallway. He was sure he was going to get hit any moment now.

 

“I said ‘no’. It’s not safe… and I can’t. I’m not safe. You don’t have to stay here in town with me if it bothers you too much but I can’t just go home. You don’t know what-”

 

“You think I BELIEVE in that crap?”

 

Tom laughed harshly. He advanced on Jay, glad to see Jay had the sense to shrink back. Tom jabbed a finger hard to Jay’s chest.

 

“You get your shit together and come home. I’m tired of this. You’re my husband and you’ll go where I tell you too.”

Jay felt an unusual sensation blossom within him and was tempted to shove Tom back. Or break his finger. He had to grit his teeth to keep the urge from becoming reality. He had taken way worse from his husband without ever wanting or needing to retaliate.

 

“I signed myself in- I’d have to sign myself out- and I’m not ready.”

 

Tom dropped his finger from Jay’s front and stared at him. He smiled like a shark.

 

“Oh, is that right?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Like all bullies, Tom was at a loss when a sure-bet of a victim did not react as expected. He fell back a step and weighed out the limited options he had. He was beginning to think Jay meant what he said. That he might actually make a scene if taken from the Ganymede House.

 

“I give it two more weeks.”

 

“Tom-”

 

“Two fucking weeks, Jay. Then I’m pulling the plug on this whole fiasco. You can’t foot the bill without me, you know. So either you make the most of the time I’m giving you or you get your ass in the car right now. What’s it going to be?”

 

Jay dropped his head, hearing his spouse’s smug laugh.

 

“That’s what I thought.” Tom spoke with enough bluster that it neatly covered his confusion. “You better get all the therapy you can, babe, because once your time is up- we’re going someplace far away and private. I think you need your priorities re-set.”

 

When Jay didn’t look at him, Tom cupped his jaw and lifted his face. He was not quite ready for the glare Jay gave him.

 

“You mad at me, baby?”

 

“No.”

 

“I don’t think I believe you. How about we test that?”

 

Tom nodded towards the bed and smiled. He had missed Jay quite a bit in some ways. No one else ever made him feel as good.

 

“Can’t. I… I have to get to my session with Dr. Morgan.”

 

Anything but this, Jay thought fiercely. He could not deal with Tom’s hands on him right now. He might snap. He was not sure what would come of him snapping- but he was feeling so angry it tickled over his skin like red lightning.

 

“Alright. I’ll be back some time tonight. We can have dinner.”

 

“Alright.”

 

Jay held still while Tom kissed him and did not relax his stance until his husband left him alone again. He felt nauseas in the aftermath of their face-off and wished he could have known in advance what Tom was thinking. He would not be able to stay at Ganymede House once Tom’s patience was at an end. He would have to go…home. He hugged himself and wondered when this tiny room had become more of a haven than his own house. Tom’s house. Jay had lied about going to see Dr. Morgan. He was not going to go. He was just needing to get out for a little while.

 

He dressed in a hurry, choosing an old nearly paper thin sweater and jeans, boots. He wasn’t going for fancy. He just wanted to blend for awhile, be no one to anyone. A passing face in the crowd. He left Ganymede House and spent a few hours walking around Dallas. He bought a hotdog and a bottled water from a street vendor, liking to just have some freedom. It might not seem like a banner day to some, but Jay was feeling more at ease. He took a cab to the Dallas Arboretum, walking in the lush and colorful gardens. The explosion of blossoms and the sweetness of the air always helped him to relax. He was still in the botanical gardens when the evening came on. He winced, knowing he was supposed to be back at the Ganymede House. He was aware that he was making Tom wait. Jay found a pay phone and dialed the number from Dr. Morgan’s business card. Leaning to the glass wall of the phone booth, he heard Dr. Morgan’s worry when he answered.

 

“Jay?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Where were you today? We had a session that you missed.”

 

“I know. I’m sorry. I just needed to get away for a little bit. Tom’s back.”

 

“I know. He called. Apparently you missed your dinner plans too. He sounded concerned.”

 

Jay bit his lower lip and sighed. 

 

“He’s ready for this to be done. For me to be okay and go home. But I’m not better yet. I can’t just make it happen.”

 

“I know that, Jay.” Jeff was carefully reassuring. “I can talk to Tom for you-”

 

“That’d be nice of you, but I’m not sure he’ll listen. He doesn’t like to hear things that mean he’s not getting his way.”

 

Hearing himself, Jay felt his stomach drop. He shouldn’t talk about Tom like that. 

 

“Jay? Are you still there?”

 

“Yes. Just thinking. I will be back in my room pretty soon. I just can’t go back yet. I don’t want to argue with Tom again. Can you… talk to him?”

 

“Yes. I’ll speak to him. Are you sure you’re alright? Where are you?”

 

“I’m fine. I’ll be back soon. I’ll call.”

 

“Jay?”

 

Jay hung up the phone, leaning to the glass wall and closing his eyes. He was so tired. So damned tired. He had no place he could go to sleep. To just ‘be’. He wished he had his own house. Some place small, tiny and tucked away. Like a hobbit’s house, he mused dreamily. Far away and safe. He did not even realize it when he fell ‘asleep’ inside himself. His eyes opened shortly afterwards and a sure hand reached for the phone, picking it up and dialing a number right away.

A voice came over the line.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Jensen.”

 

“Sam.”

 

Hazel eyes flicked to the top of the phone booth before he sighed.

 

“I’m stranded. Is there anyway you could-”

 

“Where are you?”

 

“Outside the Arboretum.”

 

“I know the place. I’ll come get you.”

 

“Just like that?”

 

Jensen laughed softly. “You want me to make you beg first?”

 

“Ah…no. I just meant-”

 

“I’ll be there shortly. Don’t stand me up. I don’t think my ego could take being stood up.”

 

“I’ll be here.”

 

Hanging up the phone, the tall young man stepped from the booth and wondered if he should feel guilty for letting Jensen think he was Sam. But to be fair, he was curious and wanted to meet Jensen himself. The other two were very fond of the man. It seemed only fair.


	9. Chapter 9

The shiny black car eased up to the curb and Jared smiled as Jensen peered out to him. Jensen’s eyes were the most amazing shade of green. So bright, almost translucent. Jared opened the passenger side door and got into the classic car, relaxing to the seat. Jensen looked comfortable in his t-shirt and jeans, canvas sneakers slipped on without socks. Jared approved.

 

“Thanks for coming to get me. I know it was short notice.”

 

Jensen’s lips turned up briefly before he was putting the car in gear and they were moving again.

 

“I wasn’t sure you’d call, after the other night.”

 

Luckily, Jared knew what he was referring to. He leaned his elbow to the open window and turned his face to regard Jensen.

 

“It was a little awkward.”

 

“Your doctor friend didn’t like me much.”

 

Jared made a considering sound over that comment, having to think about it. He was not sure that Jeff Morgan disliked Jensen. It was more likely that Dr. Morgan saw Jensen as an unknown variable. Dr. Morgan was invested in seeing Jay ‘whole’ again, and dating might not be the best idea right now. Jay was not capable of handling a new relationship when he wasn’t even sure who he was. There was also the fact that Jay was married to Tom. Jeff really could not be expected to encourage any interest in Jensen.

 

“I don’t think he can really dislike you, Jensen. You’ve only met briefly in a bathroom.” Jared smiled, eyes sparkling as he thought of how that sounded. “But there is something provocative about you. I am guessing it could go either way.”

 

A dark-gold brow lifted as Jensen snorted faintly. He kept his eyes mostly on the road, but glanced to his passenger when Jared laughed at him. It was a beautifully rich laugh, very sincere and open.

 

“So he’s just a friend?”

 

“Dr. Morgan?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Jared shrugged and frowned in imitation of Jensen’s frown until Jensen laughed.

 

“Cut that out. I’m trying to talk here.”

 

“I just think you’re cute when you glare at the windshield.”

 

Jensen smiled a little.

 

“You’re being evasive.”

 

“Maybe.” Jared sighed and then asked. “Where are we going?”

 

“My place?”

 

Those two words fell between them and hung there, a question and a statement both. Jensen was ready to take Sam somewhere else if he preferred but he was hoping to have him alone again. In his bed, on his couch, over the kitchen table. He wanted to have Sam under him, but he could wait. He didn’t have to shove Sam to the floor right off. They could make out first. He was flexible. He noted Sam’s lack of response and finally asked.

 

“Is that okay?”

 

Nodding, Jared leaned his head to his palm, murmuring to Jensen.

 

“It’s fine. I need to talk to you and your place is probably the best for what I have to say.”

 

Jensen could not help his roused curiosity and had trouble keeping his mind on driving. He wanted to pull over and haul Sam to him for a kiss. Just to taste him before Sam said whatever he had to say. Sam was being so relaxed and unhurried, not groping Jensen at all. Jensen might have been a little disappointed not to be manhandled in the car, but he could talk too. He didn’t want Sam to think it only ever had to be about sex, like he lacked any and all depth. He could make conversation.

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

Sam’s question surprised him and Jensen met inquisitive hazel eyes for a moment before facing ahead again.

 

“I was thinking about how I do want to talk to you. How I’d like that. I wasn’t sure what you’d want or how you’d want it. You seemed kind of rushed before. I’m not complaining, but sometimes following your lead is tricky as hell. I want to see more of you. Spend some time. Things like that.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Sam was quiet then and that really put Jensen on edge. Had he just hammered a nail into the coffin of this whole thing between them? Maybe Sam was trying to think of a way to tell him they couldn’t see each other again. Of course, reasonably, Sam could have done THAT over the phone.

 

“Did I freak you out at the restaurant? Coming on so strong? “

 

“No.”

 

Jared answered in all honesty. He didn’t add that Jay had been overwhelmed and Sam frustrated. That could all be let go. For his part, Jared had been intent but not dissuaded from wanting to know Jensen. Jensen had good reason to believe that Sam would be agreeable to sneaking off with him, they had been intimate after all. Sam had wanted very much to go, but Sam was locked -at the time- behind Jay.

 

“I don’t think you came on strong, Jensen. I think you were honest. You wanted sex. That‘s normal.”

 

Jensen was frowning again already. While they were at a red light, he studied Sam’s face for any clues as to why Sam was being so polite but sort of…distant?

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yes.” Jared smiled, reaching over to take Jensen’s hand for a moment. He kissed the back of Jensen’s knuckles before letting him have his hand back to drive. “I just have a lot to talk to you about. I’m trying to work it out in my mind, what I mean to say. I don’t want to do it wrong.”

 

“What? Talking to me? You can’t do that wrong.” Jensen smiled. “I’m not hard to talk to. I make a living from watching and listening to people.”

 

“How so?”

 

Since Sam seemed so interested, Jensen shrugged and explained. “Writers are sensualistic cannibals. We are always taking bits and pieces from everything that we experience or come in contact with. It’s part of being able to express anything through words. Make something visual happen in someone else’s brain. You have to be able to describe things, put someone in another person’s shoes. So you know, listening to people, how they talk, their stories. Your own stories- all of it. A writer is always trying to take in as much as they can so they can learn and recycle what they have absorbed.” He hoped he wasn’t boring Sam, but since he wasn’t being interrupted or sighed at, he went on. “I guess it’s like the way actors talk about method acting, writers have to do that a little bit for every character they present to a reader. After all most individuals- anything they do, starts with a thought. A writer is there, working those thoughts back and forth. Arguing more than one side, bouncing around. You have to be able to be whoever it is, at least long enough to make them a real presence in what you’re writing. I’m always listening to people. Seeing what motivates them. How they react. What moves you, what leaves you feeling high and dry. It’s all interesting to me. My own life isn’t even safe. I go into my own ups and downs too. I’ve just never gotten to the point I’m filled up and can’t learn anymore from someone else. So, long story short… you can’t really bore me, Sam.”

 

Considering all Jensen had just shared, Jared suspected he was telling the truth. Jensen was not likely to be bored with what he had to say.

 

“I liked your book. I’m almost done with it. I think the priest is going to sleep with Erin pretty soon.”

 

Jensen breathed a laugh. “Oh yeah? Why do you think that?”

 

“Because he gave him a very long sponge bath after he sweated out the vampire blood.”

 

Jared tipped his head back and nodded , recalling that vivid scene in the novel.

 

“Maybe Father Ishmael was just being helpful.”

 

A laugh rolled from Jared at Jensen’s teasing words.

 

“I don’t think that was just being ‘nurturing‘. Especially since Ishmael was noticing Erin was getting all hot and bothered. He liked it too. Kept accidentally bumping Erin’s cock.”

 

A muscle flexed in Jensen’s jaw at the words and he did not think he had ever gotten so hard so fast. Just Sam saying ‘cock’ after talking about that scene from the book? It was titillating.

 

“So you think Ishmael would be wrong to act on his desires?”

 

“No.” Jared laughed faintly. “I don’t think that’s even for me to say really, but Erin does need some real human contact if he’s going to stop feeling so cold and lacking. He’d go crawling back to the vampires if no one interceded. Ishmael could actually…love him. Give him a love that wouldn’t kill him.”

 

“You think Vincent and Erzbet love Erin?”

 

“In their way.” Jared allowed. “They are just fundamentally selfish and don’t think past what they themselves want. Loving Erin to death, to them, is just how it is, because they want him.”

 

“Not many people…got that.”

 

Thinking over Jensen’s words, Jared replied. “A lot of people don’t understand that bad things can exist inside of love. It can still be love even if it’s twisted or destructive. Right up to the point that you can’t sustain it in yourself. Doesn’t make it right or easy- just… depends. You can love someone and not be good for them.”

 

Jensen gave Sam a long look and then remembered he had to drive here. He wondered how many other life lessons were locked inside the other man. Sam sounded like he was speaking from experience, not just from having watched too many dramas on late night television. Pulling into the garage underneath his apartment building, Jensen went to his designated spot and parked his Impala. He smiled to Sam in the orangey lights shining over them.

 

“You’re never going to be boring, are you?”

 

Smiling at that, Jared responded. “I’m thinking that’s a strong ‘no’.”

 

That worked a laugh from Jensen even as Jared widened his eyes behind the man’s back and followed him to the elevator. They went up to Jensen’s floor and then walked in easy quiet to his door, going inside his apartment.

 

“Have a seat. Make yourself at home. Promise not to jump you before we talk. Can I get you anything to drink?”

 

Jared smiled at the promise and the offer.

 

“You have chocolate milk?”

 

“Uh…I can make some. I’ve got some chocolate powder. Quik? And some milk.”

 

“Good. That sounds good.”

 

Jared sat down in the living room after taking off his boots. He really liked sweet things but never had much. Jay never ate sweets since Tom told him he would ‘get fat’ and Sam was usually one to head straight for sex and liquor. Jared’s sweet tooth was sorely neglected. His smile took over when Jensen handed him a chocolate milk and he ah-ed after taking a deep drink.

 

“S’good.”

 

“Glad you like it.”

 

Jensen sat next to Sam on the couch and slid off his sneakers, kicking them over to rest beside Sam’s boots. Pulling one leg up under himself on the couch, Jensen nodded.

 

“So, you said you wanted to talk.”

 

The hint of impatience was enough to make Jared smile. It was cute on Jensen. He was trying to behave appropriately and not escalate this meeting to the physical. It was good to be craved and wanted. Jared took another swallow of his milk and then nodded back.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Now that the moment was at hand, Jared felt slightly nervous. It was not as if it had nothing to do with him. He was putting himself into a position here depending on what he told Jensen. He put his glass aside and then turned to face Jensen more, his elbows going to his knees.

 

“There are some things I need to tell you. I don’t know how you’ll take it, or what you’ll think… but it doesn’t change that I feel you need to know what I have to say. It’s nothing simple and I just have to sort of go into it… “

 

When Jensen just looked expectant, Jared sighed.

 

“I have a condition. It’s something I have had since I was a young man.”

 

Seeing Jensen pale, Jared hurried to explain.

 

“It’s not physical. My illness is mental. Physically I am fine. I have a personality disorder. I imagine you’ve had moments with me where you felt something was off-kilter, or I seemed strange. I could have Dr. Morgan explain this to you, but I think that would be even more awkward. Dr. Morgan would not fully realize why I wanted you to know. Honestly, I know we barely know each other, but it’s not as if this condition of mine is something I can keep not talking about. You would know, at some point, that I wasn’t acting quite right. I’m trying to head that off at the pass. I don’t want you looking at me like I’m some sort of freak.”

 

“Sam.”

 

Jensen reached over and took his hand, holding it between both of his own.

 

“What kind of ‘personality disorder’ are you talking about? Dr. Morgan is YOUR doctor? Like a psychiatrist? You were out to dinner with your psychiatrist?”

 

Jared nodded, wondering if Jensen was waiting to tell him he didn’t believe a word of it. Jensen was just asking questions and that was not what Jared had anticipated. He felt, for better or worse, Jensen needed to know what he was dealing with by wanting him. That seemed like the right thing to do in Jared’s opinion. No more switching around and leaving Jensen in the dark.

 

“Dr. Morgan is my doctor, yes. He is helping me. The thing about my condition is that there might be a way out of it. I have M.P.D. Multiple Personality Disorder. It means that I have different sides to me that come out almost like …or exactly like, their own selves. All in one body. I can’t control it. Until Dr. Morgan, we never even talked about it. I mean, damn it.”

 

He felt like he was painting himself into a corner and closed his eyes. Jensen moved closer to him on the couch and made soothing sounds, patting over his back. Jared hid his face in his hands and forced the words out.

 

“There’s more, Jensen. I’m not…Sam. Or I am, but not all the way. Sam is another part of me. Just like ‘Jay’ is. Jay met you at the quad. Took your book- saw you at the restaurant. Sam slept with you. Sam was with you at the Velvet Snake. This here, right now, is the first time I’ve been around you myself. Not just watching.”

 

Jensen was so confused. He looked at Sam wondering for a moment if he was just kidding. He was trying to make sense of what he was hearing. If he was following along at all, it sounded like schizophrenia to him, but he was no expert. He had never met a schizophrenic so he had no basis for comparison. Sam didn’t seem insane either. If anything, Sam seemed afraid of rejection, tightly wound and braced for whatever came next. But then…he was also saying he wasn’t Sam. Jensen took his hand from the other man’s back and stared at him.

 

“Watching?”

 

“From…”

 

Jared stumbled in explaining and hissed in frustration.

 

“I can see anything Jay or Sam does. Whatever they say, I hear. I…”

 

“Who…are you?”

 

“Jared.”

 

“Not Sam.”

 

“I am Sam… some of the time.”

 

“Fuck.”

 

Jared grimaced. “I’m sorry. I am not doing a good job telling you-”

 

“Stop.”

 

Jensen held up a hand, needing a second to assimilate what he had heard.

 

Sitting silently, Jared bit his bottom lip and waited for seventeen minutes. He watched the digital clock on Jensen’s shiny stereo system, and then whispered.

 

“I am sorry.”

 

Jensen sat back from him, leaning to his own side of the couch now as he looked at Jared, eyes piercingly sharp. He finally managed to find something to say back, despite his racing mind.

 

“You let me think you were Sam.”

 

“Because I am, but not entirely. He is part of me. I am not as comfortable with it as you might think- but I’m logical. I know the truth. I know what he does and why. I know he would be here with you now if he could, but right now I am calling the shots. If you think it’s weird for YOU, think about what it’s like for me. When exactly is a good time to drop this on someone that I like? When we exchange names? Should I mention it right then? If I didn’t think you were worth telling, believe me, I’d keep this to my self. It’s not putting me in the best light. Not like you just can’t wait to be with me now.”

 

Jared stood and paced the living room floor, hands jammed into his front jean pockets. His face was a study in vulnerability and remorse.

 

“Sam-”

 

Jensen stopped himself, shaking his head. It wasn’t Sam. If he believed what he was hearing, this was a troubled man before him. Someone that was a stranger to him, more so than Sam had been. He understood what ‘Jared’ was saying though. There was no time that wouldn’t feel awkward to share such a secret. Especially in a time when you most wanted to be found desirable, when you needed to be liked or pursued. No one wanted to hand over a pamphlet on why they might not be such a catch after all.

 

“I’m sorry, I know I’m just sitting here… like I’ve been hit in the head with a shovel… but it’s taking me a minute. Please, sit down.”

 

Jared sat to the arm of the couch, making a concession. He kept his eyes down when he responded.

 

“The cure is in me, Jensen. It’s inside of me. I have to find a way to be whole again… it’s possible. Dr. Morgan said it happens. There was something that broke my mind into pieces and it can come back together again. I could…be somebody… you might like…”

 

Hearing the break to Jared’s voice, Jensen took his arm and pulled him to him, into a hug. He held Jared and felt the soft trembling of the other man. He rocked Jared to his body and kissed his dark hair softly.

 

“I already like you. I think you’re confusing the hell out of me, but I like you just fine.”

 

Jared slowly slid an arm around Jensen and returned the embrace. He wished that he could just force himself to be right, healed. But he knew from all Dr. Morgan said that it was not that easy. There were repercussions for what he had become, no matter his reasons. His mind had felt such strain and abuse that the fight or flight became an impulse sharp enough to slice into his own psyche. He had hidden away and his defense mechanisms were a double-edged sword. But he could not keep hiding. There was a chance he would not be the aspect left as the predominant one when they all came back together, but this was something Sam or Jay needed as much as he did. To not have Jensen wandering blind and finding out from someone else or through a shock what was going on. Jensen did not deserve that. Since it frightened Jay so much and caused Sam to feel depression, Jared took it on himself to intercede. He had decided he would come clean to Jensen.

 

About everything.

 

“There’s more, Jensen.”

 

Jensen pulled back from their hug and mumbled. “Hit me with it. I’m ready.”

 

“Are you really?”

 

“No, but… go on.”

 

Jared reached over, taking his chocolate milk and finishing it in one gulp. Licking the drink from his lips he took a steadying breath.

 

“I… am married.”

 

Jensen’s eyes went wide and he choked out. “You’re fucking kidding me. You have kids too?”

 

“No. No, I don’t have children-”

 

“But you have a wife.”

 

“No, I have a husband.”

 

Jensen growled at that and wanted to throw Jared out right then and there. Because the man could not help having a mental illness but he sure as hell could help having a goddamned HUSBAND. He smiled mirthlessly and shook his head.

 

“That’s great. That’s fucking…superb.”

 

Jared nodded morosely and stood from the couch. He walked over to stand before the floor to ceiling windows, looking out over a great view of the city.

 

“It’s not so simple, Jensen. Jay married Tom. Jay feels married… Sam doesn’t. I don’t. We’re all the same person but we don’t have the same life. We’re trying to get there. We’re working towards being one person. It’s a mess. I know that… and I don’t expect you to understand or hang around waiting for me to get it together…but I never meant to mislead you. I never wanted to hurt you.”

 

“Just how could you hurt me?”

 

Jensen felt betrayed and thrown into a very bizarre situation. He reacted by being defensive.

 

“You don’t even *know* me. Isn’t that right, Jared?”

 

Whatever win he expected to feel, fell short and dead when Jared flinched from his words. Jensen rose from the sofa.

 

“Jared, I’m sorry. I was just-”

 

“It’s okay.” Jared tried to smile, spreading his hands. “It’s alright. I deserve whatever you want to say. But I can make it easier, Jensen. I can be gone. You won’t have to see me again. It saves us having to say or hear painful things. We can skip this part.”

 

Jensen closed some of the distance between them but did not grab hold of Jared.

 

“I need to think.”

 

“I understand.” Jared moved past Jensen, sitting down to pull on his boots again. His hair fell across his face, hiding his so-expressive eyes completely. “I didn’t expect you to just… be fine with it, with me.”

 

Jensen hugged himself, wishing he had any experience whatsoever to draw from here. He was walking in the dark dealing with Jared and his revelations. He hated Jared just going though. He felt like he was monumentally letting Jared down.

 

“Let me give you a ride home?”

 

Jared shook his head, standing.

 

“That’s okay. I have friends I can call.” He lied to Jensen, thinking it was a kindness right now. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.”

 

“Jared-”

 

“I don’t want anything out of you. Nothing. Especially not because you feel sorry for me.”

 

His voice was as flat as Jensen had ever heard it, as if Jared was afraid to let any emotion slip past. Jensen wanted to insist, but something in the set of Jared's jaw told him he wouldn't win that argument. Jared was done talking to him for now, and maybe they both needed some space. He was still wondering how to say goodbye when Jared left his apartment, not stopping to hear another word.


	10. Chapter 10

What to do about Jay. Tom was thinking it over as he sat in the room his darling husband was supposed to be in. Jay was not exactly sticking to his schedule, now was he? A schedule clearly defined and memorized- yet Jay felt he could deviate from his promises and obligations without any repercussions. Jay was being disobedient. That anomaly would not be encouraged. Tom had sat on the edge of Jay’s bed when Dr. Morgan came into the room and told him how much work Jay had done already to begin his recovery and how much more time it would take. Of course, Tom had thought to himself during Dr. Morgan’s speech, the doctor benefited from Jay *not* getting better. More money for this little show of uprisal from Jay. All the temper tantrums Jay manufactured meant a fat bank account for Morgan. Now, though, after Dr. Morgan had left him to his private thoughts, Tom was wondering if he should find Jay a new doctor. Preferably one that listened to HIM and put Jay on prescriptions to help him control himself. There were doctors out there that could be bought. Tom would find one if he had to. He would see to it that Jay was falling back in line.

 

The door finally opened and Jay entered the room, glancing to Tom, startled. He closed the door behind himself and flicked on the overhead light. Jay sighed wearily and then asked.

 

“Are you angry I missed dinner?”

 

“So you do remember.”

 

Tom smiled wolfishly.

 

“I wasn’t sure I rated very high when you never showed up and then had your doctor telling me you won’t be fit to travel in two weeks’ time. Maybe longer, he said. That’s awful convenient, don’t you think?”

 

Jay had come back to himself in the cab ride. He was just glad he had cash to pay the driver and that he had arrived safely back at Ganymede House. He also had a note to read while he was on his way ‘home’. A short letter from ‘Jared’ telling him simply ‘Jensen knows everything now. He needs time to think.’ Jay was, in short, in no mood to deal with Tom right now. ‘Everything’ meant Jensen might never speak to him again. Might even hate him. He had no right caring either way how Jensen felt about him. It was wrong to think of Jensen at all. He heard every barbed and spiteful word from Tom as he looked to his husband feeling so torn and battered.

 

“Tom, please don’t be angry with me. Please. It’s not my fault. You heard Dr. Morgan. All I can do is try to-”

 

Jay’s words were cut off when Tom punched him hard in the mouth. He went to the side, the dresser drawers stopping him from falling to the floor as his hip slammed into the oak corner of the bureau. He spat blood and groaned at the rocketing pain in his face.

 

“You are a lying whore.”

 

Tom grabbed him by his nape and threw him towards the bed, kicking into his thigh viciously until Jay instinctively pulled his legs upwards. Tom stood over him and then landed another punch to Jay’s cheekbone, feeling some satisfaction in hurting him. It felt good to have Jay afraid and bleeding. It meant there was hope Jay could be who he wanted him to be.

 

“I had you followed, Jay. You didn’t know that, did you? I knew you were acting funny. Evan followed you once you left here. Saw you wandering around town and then getting into some man’s car. Saw you go into his place and come out later. Was he good, Jay? Did you like thinking you had me fooled?”

 

“No! No! Tom, I swear… I swear to God nothing happened…”

 

“Am I supposed to believe that?” 

 

Tom’s eyes glowed in the heat of his rage.

 

“You’re pushing me, Jay. You are fucking pushing me too far. You think I’m going to sit by while you peddle your ass around town? You are a fucking *embarrassment*. I thought I could make something of you. Took you in. Cleaned you up. Dressed you. Gave you everything and what do you do? Play a psycho slut! You know it almost makes sense why I found you alone. All alone. Poor lil Jay, all by himself.”

 

“Please…”

 

Jay whispered the single word, not ready to hear any of this. He would rather by bruised and bloodied than have Tom mock him right now.

 

“You were nothing, Jay. Not without me. The day I married you I had to go out to the front and ASK some people to sit on your side… make it look less ridiculous. You don’t have shit without me. You got that?”

 

Outside the door came the sound of running feet and then the door was flung open. Dr. Morgan entered like a storm. He bared his teeth in anger when he saw the state of Jay. It took all he had not to lay into Tom. He couldn’t assault the man, no matter the urge. 

 

“Get out.”

 

Jeff pointed to the door where two security guards and three orderlies stood.

 

“Get out of this room and this facility, Mr. Welling. You are banned from these grounds.”

 

Tom laughed coarsely and shook out his swelling hand, the knuckles split from Jay’s teeth. 

 

“You think so? Right then. Jay- you might want to give the doctor some of your ass. Pay in trade. You aren’t getting a fucking cent from me. You hear me? You are done. You’re as good as forgotten.”

 

“Show Mr. Welling out.” Jeff barked and then the bastard shoved him. Tom started to say he would go when he was ready, but Jeff delivered an uppercut to his jaw. Tom whomped back to the floor and appeared dazed when Jeff hauled him up by his shirtfront and foisted him off on the security guards. “Get him out of here, now.” If the prick wanted to sue him, well, book sales were good. Jeff would gladly pay it off with a smile. Besides, he had witnesses that Tom assaulted him first. It was a sound investment clocking Tom Welling.

 

Jay was frozen in shock as Tom was drug from the room and Jeff shut the door hard on everyone else. He could not look at Jeff, so horribly ashamed and saddened. Jeff still came to him and helped him sit up, coaxed him into tipping his face back. Jay didn’t care either way what was said to him now. What was done. It just couldn’t touch him any more. It all hurt too much inside. He was slack at Dr. Morgan’s hands, just unwilling to even tell him to stop. He didn’t want any help or company, it just took too much effort to say so. Jeff’s fingertips prodded at his face until Jay had to jerk his head back, yelping from the hurt.

 

“You need to get cleaned up. He didn’t break your nose but he came close. Your lip’s cut from your teeth on this side, and it’s split here. I don’t think anything’s busted.”

 

Jeff tentatively checked the already purpling bruise to Jay’s cheekbone, hearing the young man’s almost silent sob at his touch.

 

“This isn’t the first time this has happened, Jay.”

 

Jay closed his eyes and then stood, rushing past Jeff. He made it to the bathroom just in time to expel all the contents of his stomach. He retched and heaved until he saw stars, feeling the doctor help him up slow and careful. Jeff cleaned his bloody face with a damp washcloth, being unfailingly gentle. Jay was malleable as he was tended to and then led to his bed. He sat in silence as Jeff talked, barely listening to the doctor telling him they would figure things out. Asking if he wanted something to help him sleep. He was exhausted but afraid to rest. Jay was shaking, hugging himself, not about to even undress. He felt better in his ratty old sweater. It was known to him. It was security. It was just about all he had that was his own. 

 

Jeff studied Jay with tight-lipped worry on his face. God, the young man looked like miles of bad road. His face was a rainbow of abuse and the eyes were the worst. Not blackened- but distant and lost. He was tempted to hug Jay, to tell him again he wasn’t alone. That everything could be alright. Jeff felt at a loss.

 

“Tom won’t hurt you here, Jay. He won’t be coming and going as he pleases. Do you want to go to the E.R.? Do you want to file charges? This is assault and battery. He does not own you. He has no right to put his hands on you. Jay. Are you listening to me?”

 

Jay nodded slightly and then bent down, taking off his boots. His whole attention seemed centered on getting his boots off.

 

“I’m not pressing charges. He’s my husband. Or was. I don’t want to argue about it. He’s gone. It’s over. Just leave it alone.”

 

Hearing the exhaustion in Jay’s voice, Jeff nodded. He could let it rest for the moment, but not forever. 

 

“We can discuss all of this tomorrow. If you miss your session tomorrow, Jay, I’m going to come find you. We need to talk. “

 

“Alright.”

 

Jay lay on his bed, looking steadily to Dr. Morgan until he was finally left alone. He waved off the nurse that came in to ask him if he wanted any ibuprofen or Tylenol. He didn’t want anything. He was shaking so hard that he felt like he might fly into a million little pieces. For the longest time he gazed at the ceiling and let it sink in. He had lost Tom. Tom did not want him any more. Tom was all he had and now it was over and done with. Because of the people living in his head. The voices and the blackouts. He had nothing. No one. Jensen did not want to see him. Tom thought he was trash. It was too much. At around three in the morning, the too much seemed to become a landslide of weight on him. He felt he had wasted a lot of time pretending he could have a life and be normal. As if he had a right to be alive when… 

 

He cut off the thought, not willing to go there. He was not going to let that out. He had it put away for a reason and was not letting it loose. Jay slid from his bed and took off his sweater. He silently walked into the bathroom and closed the door. He felt like he was sneaking up on himself. He had to be quick and then it would be over. It would be quiet and he could rest. He could rest and not have to worry any more. He would not be able to hurt ever again. Wasn’t that reason enough to finally be brave and do the right thing? His twitching hands looked too big and unsure around the scissors he pulled from his travel kit. He opened the double blades and felt his head swimming with pain. From the inside out, his head hurt. Soon, he promised himself, he would be sleeping and fine.

 

***

 

Sam gasped harshly and gripped his injured wrist in his other hand, stemming the flow of blood. God! It hurt. Jay meant business, even if he was inept at knowing what he was doing. Thank all that was holy Jay wasn’t an expert on slitting his wrists. Sam might have laughed if it didn’t throb and bleed like a bitch. He pulled a towel from the shower and applied hard pressure to his wrist. He saw his reflection in the mirror and felt his stomach drop. One thing at a time. He couldn’t be expected to fix it all. He held his wrist until he was up to looking at it and peeled the towel away slowly. It wasn’t too bad. Jay had slashed down, but it was mostly surface, and he hadn’t hit anything major. It was a desperate first attempt and if Sam had not taken over, Jay would have kept trying. 

 

All for Tom.

 

Tom. A person Jay saw as the measuring stick for how much he was worth.

 

Sam carefully cleaned and bandaged his wrist, hiding it under the long sleeve of one of Jay’s sweaters. He washed his face and sighed deeply. He had brought this down on Jay. He had started the whole thing with Jensen and now Jay wanted to die. Sam felt awash with scalding guilt and knew he could make it better. He owed it to Jay to make it better. 

 

***

 

Sneaking out of Ganymede House was not easy- but Sam was not a quitter. He hit the night and felt the cooling breeze over his skin like a kiss of reward. A job well done, leaving the sanctuary. He hailed a cab and explained his face away by saying he had a bar fight. The cabbie was telling him about his own barroom brawls by the time he pulled up outside of Tom’s house. Sam paid the man and then went up the steps of the large home Tom had designed. It was a palace, if you didn’t judge the house on what it held in its heart. Knocking at the door, Sam smiled when Tom answered.

 

Shocked, Tom stared at Jay before he said. “What are you doing here?”

 

“What do you think I’m doing here?”

 

Sam grabbed the front of Tom’s shirt and pulled him close, licking across his lower lip and purring hotly.

Tom gripped at his husband’s hips and pulled him into the foyer, pressing his back to the wall. He hungrily kissed Jay, enjoying the taste of blood in his mouth. He was stunned Jay had come to him, but elated. He had been half worried the police were going to come to his door. Instead it was his beautiful husband whimpering and rubbing to him so eagerly. He had been right all along. Jay had just been waiting for him to put his foot down. Jay *needed* the discipline and tough love to know how much he was valued. Tom broke the kiss and whispered.

 

“What’s gotten into you?”

 

“Pour me a drink and let’s talk about it.”

 

“I’ve never seen you like to drink.”

 

“There’s plenty of things you’ve never seen me do. Doesn’t mean I don’t do ‘em.”

 

Sam forced a smile, looking at Tom from under his black-lace lashes.

 

Slowly moving away from Jay, Tom went to the den, pouring them both a double of Scotch at the bar. When Jay entered the room, Tom noticed how loose-hipped his walk was. It reminded him of a cat. Tom stilled and then whispered, “You’re *him*, aren’t you? The… the other one.”

 

Sam lifted his eyes to Tom’s and canted his head. 

 

“You don’t believe in any of that, Tommy. Remember? How could I be anyone else?”

 

He slid his glass from Tom’s fingers and tossed it back in one swallow. The burn might help him get through this hated peacemaking ritual. Sam licked the expensive Scotch from his stinging lips and sat his glass down.

 

“Pour me another.”

 

Bewitched, Tom did as he was told, feeling amazingly ready to fuck this ‘Sam’. He was going to have him in ways he usually reserved for nameless whores in cities he visited abroad. Sam had that look to him like he could take whatever Tom might dish out. He watched Sam swallow his second glass of Scotch like it was water and shook his head.

 

“I can’t believe you came here.”

 

“Why? Aren’t you glad to see me? Don’t you want to make up? Make up sex is good, right? I can fuck you until you can’t remember ever being angry with me, baby. Isn’t that what you want?”

 

“Yes.”

 

As Tom reached for him, Sam slipped back a few steps, just enough that Tom’s fingers closed on air.

 

“Not so fast, Tommy. We need to make sure you understand how it’s going to be. I know I’m not fucking someone that’s not my husband. I don’t think I could do that…in good conscience. We’re alright, aren’t we? You taking me back? Being my sugar daddy?”

 

“Anything…just…come here…”

 

Sam allowed Tom to shove his tongue down his throat and grope him roughly through his jeans. He knew he had to seal the deal. He just wasn’t able to help his disgust at the act. He might have been promiscuous before but this was the first time he had ever felt like a whore. He turned his face to the side and said, “You’re going to tear my pants. I need these.”

 

“I’ll buy you new ones.”

 

“Calm down. Go ahead and get undressed. I want to use the bathroom. I need to take a piss.”

 

“Aww-”

 

“You’ll live.”

 

Sam shoved Tom back enough to make the man smile in anticipation. Sam turned and walked down the hall, ducking into the bathroom. He shut and locked the door, gripping the edge of the sink. He had to do this, he told himself. He had to make it right for Jay. Give him some reason not to off himself the next chance he got. Fucking Tom was no big deal. He kept up the mantra as his heart slammed away in his chest. He didn’t want to think of Tom’s dick inside of him. Not his mouth. His ass. He shuddered in revulsion that stemmed from hate and knew the man believed Jay. On some level Tom believed enough that he knew who Sam was. He knew Sam was new and different- and took the bait like a shark smelling blood in the water. Tom knew Jay was telling the truth and wanted him to stay damaged. Like some hybrid version of a lover and a slave. Who was the sick one here?

 

Sam’s head was bent as he thought of how easy it would be. He just needed to do this one little thing. This one little thing and then Tom would forgive him. Forgive JAY. Then Jay would not hurt so much. He would not be curled up and dying inside. Maybe, Sam told himself, he could pretend it was Jensen. It might be as close to Jensen as he would ever get again. Jensen. Sam could not believe Jared had revealed it all to Jensen. Then told Jensen about Tom. Sam only knew what he knew from Jared’s stupid and short NOTE- but it was enough. Jensen wanted time and space. Jensen was hurt. Sam felt his own heart quake inside of him. This was all so fucked up. Tears started to slide from his closed eyes, slipping down his cheeks and neck as he tried to will himself to think past what he wanted. Who he wanted. He needed to just *do* this. 

 

He was lost in the crunch of trying to convince himself to play the whore for Tom when he felt a strange, eerily cool sensation to his mind. He shook his head as if he could dislodge the shivers starting to raise the fine hairs over his nape. It was subtle and too powerful at the same time, and Sam heard a whisper to his mind.

 

‘Not like this. You aren’t doing this, Sam. It’s not going to happen. I know you mean well. I know you want things to be better… but not like this. He can’t have you, or me- again. No.’

 

Sam looked at his own eyes in the glass of the mirror and saw strange resolution there. He straightened his body and then opened the bathroom door. He walked past the den, heading for the front door. He was not at all amazed to see Tom running after him naked, a question forming on the man‘s lips. Sam turned and lunged at Tom, catching him by the throat and slamming him to the wall by the door. Sam jerked his knee up and into Tom’s groin, letting the shrieking man slide to the floor, holding his crotch.

 

“You come near me again, Tom - and I’m going to fucking kill you. You hear me? I’m already seeing a shrink… I don’t think pleading insanity is a bad idea.”

 

Tom didn't seem to have anything to say, and Sam accepted that. If and when the time came for them to have to talk again, he imagined Tom might be a little more courteous and respectful of personal space. If Jay didn't like the new developments, he could take it up with Jared. Sam was done with his efforts towards being self-less. He needed three showers and some mouthwash to get over his efforts thus far.

 

Sam walked out of the house, to the main road. He felt lighter already. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a new step. First thing tomorrow he was going to tell Jeff to keep Jared from Jedi-mind-tricking him. He so didn’t like the cold chills it gave him.


	11. Chapter 11

Striding into Dr. Morgan’s office, Sam nodded to the receptionist but did not pause. He was expected. He was not in the mood to wait either. He entered Jeff’s office and smiled before lifting the back of one of the chairs and pulling the heavy piece of furniture over to the desk. He saw Jeff’s surprised look and took his seat. He was so close to the desk that one of his knees was against the side of it.

 

“I have an appointment.”

 

Jeff closed his laptop and nodded to who he was fairly sure was Sam, asking calmly. “You do have an appointment. Good afternoon, by the way. What happened to your arm?”

 

Sam held up his bandaged wrist and looked at the wrapping before he let his arm drop back to his belly. He shrugged it off. Agitated and coming with his own agenda, Sam did not want to be slowed down by talking about the horrible night before. It was bad enough going through it once. He had dressed in a black hooded sweatshirt, tee and jeans, thinking it was enough to disguise most of his not so pretty self right now. Jeff had eagle eyes. Sam peered back to the doctor through the fringe of his hair. Time to get down to business here. In a tone not brooking any opposition, he demanded.

 

“I want you to tell me about Jared.”

 

Definitely Sam. Jeff set his shoulders, unable to help liking to see Sam. He admired and marveled at Sam, even against his own better judgment. If things were different, he might have been unable to help pursuing the younger man. A certain light in Sam’s smile told him he was not hiding his thoughts as well as he had hoped. Jeff cleared his throat.

 

“You know about Jay. Jared knows about *you*. Is that a problem for you, Sam?”

 

“I don’t like it. It’s not like it used to be when I knew all about Jay but he didn’t know anything about me. When it was just us. It was better then. Jared is wrecking it all. I don’t care for it. Being spied on. Told on. I bet he tells you things, doesn’t he? He sure didn’t waste any time fucking things up for me.”

 

Sam was terse, obviously put out over Jared’s presence and interference. His eyes were slitted in his upset and his lips twisted down into a pout as he added.

 

“Not to mention I can’t see a damn thing he’s doing. It’s not right. It’s weird and upsetting. I want you to get rid of him.”

 

“That isn’t how it works, Sam.”

 

Jeff held up a hand as Sam began to protest.

 

“I can no more ‘get rid’ of him than I can *you*. You are just getting a little taste of your own medicine, I think. This whole time Jay has been trying to reconcile with you coming and going from his life. He had not understood what was happening, but you knew what he was going through. You never seemed to think there was anything wrong with you always telling what Jay was doing.”

 

“Jay never did anything, and you know it. I was the only one ever even trying to have a life. You think I was bad for him.”

 

Sam stated it plainly, only the tone of his voice showing he was wounded at the thought.

 

“No, Sam. I think you are very much a part of Jay. You are essential. You saved him or gave him an outlet for emotions and actions that he was frightened of. What do you think ‘Jared’ is doing now? For you and Jay? He has a purpose, you understand. You all play a part. What is his contribution?”

 

Thinking about the question, Sam tipped his head back and sighed deeply. What did he think Jared was around for? Besides ruining his life? Chasing away Jensen? There were much better ways to break news to someone. For instance, during oral sex. He could have told Jensen most anything and gotten away with it if applying the proper amount of stimulation. There was such a thing as presentation. Flair. Jared had bypassed every trick in the book and gone straight for the jugular. Telling about the disorder, about TOM- who Sam felt no responsibility towards. He didn’t owe Tom a damned thing but now the man’s very presence meant no Jensen. No beautiful deep voiced, honey flavored Jensen. 

 

“I think Jared is a boy-scout. He doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it because Jensen was a very good thing and that was blown all to hell.”

 

“So you are going to miss having sex with Jensen?”

 

The way Jeff worded it, Sam had to edge up a brow.

 

“Sure.”

 

“Was it just sex, Sam? You can still have sex with someone else, you know.”

 

“Could I?” Sam half-smiled, looking roguish despite his cut lip and bruised face. He peered at Jeff, sucking at his inner cheek. “You offering, doc?”

 

“No, I am not.”

 

His firm tone pleased him. Jeff gave Sam a stern look.

 

“What I am getting at is maybe you were starting to have feelings for Jensen outside of sex, since you’re taking it so personal that Jared told Jensen things that you might not have shared.”

 

“Might not have?” 

 

Sam made an impatient sound and shook his head.

 

“I could deal with being sick. Being a mental case. Fine, whatever. I get by. Doesn’t mean I want to deal with all this bullshit. You think I need to cut in and out for nothing? When I can’t have anything for me? For myself? Not a damned thing?”

 

Leaning forward, Jeff rested his elbows to his desk, hearing real temper from Sam.

 

“You sound angry, Sam. Are you angry over Jensen? Over Tom? We need to talk about Tom-”

 

“Yeah, I’m angry over Jensen. I liked him. But Tom is done. He’s divorcing Jay.”

 

It was said so simply that Jeff took a second for it to sink in. He blinked in surprise.

 

“You’re getting divorced. When was this decided?”

 

“He filed early this morning. Sent the papers with his attorney. I didn’t talk to the lawyer, but Jay did. Said ‘thank you’ and took the papers. He was pretty worn out. Jay, I mean. He didn’t really care too much. Tom‘s going to take everything but… some stuff he took from Jay right from the start. Can‘t fix it now.”

 

Jeff looked back to Sam’s wrist and the glaring white of the bandage under the black sleeve of Sam’s jacket.

 

“Did Jay hurt himself?”

 

Sam flexed the fingers of his hands and turned his damaged wrist towards himself, thinking on how to answer. He was not about to get himself institutionalized. Fuck that. 

 

“It was an accident. He broke some glass. It’s not that deep. I checked it myself.”

 

“Can I see?”

 

Jeff stood and walked around his desk, waiting patiently for Sam to finally concede. He took Sam’s wrist in hand and slowly unwrapped the wound. He saw the angry red slash and the blood that had soaked into the gauze of the bandage. Jeff touched the edges of the wound, hearing Sam draw in a breath but he kept still.

 

“How did you say this happened?”

 

Sam shrugged. Jeff knew he was lying but that didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t going to get himself locked up. He met Jeff’s eyes directly.

 

“Broken glass, I punched a mirror. Seven years bad luck but no stitches.”

 

“No, you don’t need stitches although it looks painful. Must have happened very quickly.”

 

“Yeah. I have a temper. Can you wrap it again, please? I don’t like seeing blood.”

 

“Oh, I’m sure you’re real queasy.”

 

Jeff rewrapped Sam’s wrist and patted the young man’s shoulder gently. He did not accept that Sam had just accidentally been hurt. The overall damage to the boy was enough to make it look like Sam had been in a car crash. 

 

“Sam, what are you feeling right now? Honestly. Tell me. Tell me how *you* are feeling.”

 

Mutinous at first, Sam sighed at length and shrugged.

 

“Do you like Jared, Jeff?”

 

“Yes. He seems like a nice young man.”

 

“Do you like him better than me?”

 

“I don’t think I like anyone better than you, Sam.”

 

Sam’s face brightened. “You mean that?”

 

“Yes, I do.”

 

“But you never went anywhere with me or touched me. You still won’t touch me. You know I’d let you.”

 

“Sam.”

 

Jeff sat on the edge of his desk, seeing how Sam finally smiled a bit more sincerely.

 

“You are my patient. It would not be appropriate or responsible.”

“But if I wasn’t your patient? Would you go out with me then?”

 

Dangerous waters. Jeff laughed at his own fix. “Any time you’d let me.”

 

Sam seemed appeased and sat back to his chair, before he looked sad again. Maudlin. He looked to Jeff.

 

“You remember those leather pants? The ones you said looked like black paint when I wore them?”

 

Jeff nodded. “How could I forget?”

 

“I want you to have them.”

 

“I… why, Sam? Won’t you need them?”

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

Jeff frowned deeply sensing the unease in Sam like he could always feel when a thunderstorm was coming in. It was a foreboding energy Sam was giving off. Scared and yet trying to act brave.

 

“Sam, talk to me. What is frightening you?”

 

Sam was mute at first and then softly admitted.

 

“I don’t want to die. I know Jay thinks Jared is going to be the one. I’m not having any fun any more. Jay doesn’t want me around. Jay doesn’t even…” He paused and took a breath, eyes moody and bleak. “I expect I won’t be around for much longer. I feel it. All around my edges, like I can’t quite focus any more even when I’m the one talking. No matter what I do. I don’t know what’s the matter. What it is, but it’s something. I think I’m going to die. I really do.”

 

The words startled Jeff as much as the sight of tears coming from Sam’s eyes. He went to kneel beside the young man, placing a hand to his forearm.

 

“Sam, do you think that is what’s going to happen? You aren’t going to die-”

 

“You don’t know that. You know…you’re the first one I ever got to talk to straight out. The one that knew about me all the way. Who I was. You knew and you still liked me. It made me think I could…”

 

Jeff felt Sam move towards him and instinctively hugged him. He felt Sam crying to his shoulder and held him. Perhaps he should have pushed him away, but Sam seemed so cold and lost. Frightened. Jeff had never seen him this way before.

 

“I do like you, Sam. But you aren’t going to die. You shouldn’t do this to yourself. We need to put you back together. We are finding out why you became this way. Why you were all torn away from each other. The secret is there. The key to unlock it all. You know it started with…Patrick.”

 

Sam pulled back from Jeff and regarded the doctor so woodenly that Jeff was not sure what to think.

 

“Sam?”

 

Sam’s eyes closed and he shook his head, whispering frailly. “Don’t ask me.”

 

“Sam… you know who Patrick was. Tell me about Patrick.”

 

Jeff pushed on this, knowing it was not an easy topic but it had to be talked about. It started with the abuse Patrick suffered and then all that had come after. He cupped Sam’s face in his hands, seeing Sam’s eyes moving under his lids. 

 

“Patrick was your brother. Your older brother.”

 

Sam shuddered all over and his arm flew up as if to strike Jeff before he was boneless in his chair. Jeff eased him back carefully and studied the pained face before him.

 

“You have to remember Patrick. You loved him. You lost him.”

 

The scream that came from Sam was enough to tear at Jeff. He had never heard keening before, that high mourning wail that some people had when they lost a loved one. He had read about it, but he had never heard it for himself. The shrieking came from someplace so deep that it was its own attack. Emotional and primitive, the screams that left Sam filled the air and Jeff felt tears stinging his own eyes. He realized then that Jared had *never* dealt with the loss of his brother. All of it had been put away. He had shut down. Right now, that grief was coming back as fresh as the day Jared had cut his brother down from the rope holding him. No one had ever managed to break through the walls Jared had made, the selves he had put out there for the world to see. Jared made Sam to be brave for him, to be daring. Jay was formed to be pleasing, to make life easy by just getting through it. Hidden behind Jay and Sam, Jared never had to emerge. He never had to connect.

 

Now that defense had cracked down the center and there was nothing between Jared and his memories, his terror and pain. The dread and hate his parents had instilled in him were still there, dwarfed by his brother’s suicide and suffering. The sexual and mental abuse Patrick had undergone was now, once more, let loose in Jared’s mind. Jared was laid bare to himself.

 

Jeff knew this was the feeling that had made Sam so afraid, so leery. Sam had felt this rising wave of knowledge and self-awareness. Sam was Jared’s brave self, the one meant to defend him. But Sam was at a loss when he was now aware of Jared, growing back into the core personality. The Sam element was part of Jared, and Jared had to know his own fears again. Jeff was not sure which of the personalities he was holding, but he was thinking of Sam. He was confused himself, wishing he had known how fragile the bonds were at this point between the selves. He might not have pushed so hard if he had known Sam was so close to breaking. Jeff held Sam, not about to let him go when he was crying so harshly.

 

“Sam?”

 

There was no response. Jeff saw the flood of tears running off of his patient’s face and was feeling almost unprepared for this release. It was overwhelming to watch and he knew Sam was drowning in the pain. Jeff rubbed over the young man’s back, holding him and rocking him, trying to give him comfort. He spoke in quiet tones, not sure if he would be heard.

 

“You are not alone. I am here with you.”

 

Jeff was pushed back and watched guardedly as Sam got to his feet. Sam stood, weaving for a moment before he wiped his sleeve over his face.

 

“I need to go.”

 

“Sam-”

 

“It’s not.”

 

Jeff heard the refute and nodded. “I wasn’t sure.”

 

“That…that’s understandable.”

 

“Jay?”

 

“No.”

 

“Jared.”

 

“Good thing.”

 

“Jared, we need to talk. Please sit down. You’re in no state-”

 

“I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Please don’t ask me.”

 

Jeff moved to stand in front of Jared, taking the young man’s shoulders into his hands.

 

“Jared, you shouldn’t be alone right now.”

 

“I should get used to it.”

 

Jared spat the words, a charge of anger to them. He turned his head to the side, bitterly whispering.

 

“My brother is dead. My brother. The only person that ever cared about me. Ever tried to take care of me. No matter what happened to him, he worried about ME. You know how that feels? He went into that little room with a rope in his hands not planning on ever coming out again. Because my father raped him over and over- and I never did anything. I never stopped it. I never saved him. I never even said to my father ‘I know what you *did*, you sick fucking bastard’ I just let him DIE.”

 

Jeff wordlessly shook his head, the pure vehemence in Jared’s voice taking his own away for the moment. Jared sobbed, his face in his hands when he pushed past Jeff.

 

“I need to be alone.”

 

“Jared, you can’t hurt yourself. I’m worried you might try.”

 

Pausing at the door, Jared looked back to Jeff and opened the door.

 

“I can’t kill myself.”

 

“Your wrist-”

 

“Jay wanted to die, because he wasn’t working any more. He could not do what he was supposed to do. But he’s gone now. I won’t do the same thing.”

 

“Sam?”

 

“Gone. They’re both gone. It’s just me. For the first time…in a long time…it’s just me and everything I never wanted to remember.”

 

Jeff felt his heart sink and asked. “Let me walk you back to your room?”

 

“If you want.”

 

Even after he left Jared in his bedroom, Jeff stood outside the door. He had gone into the room and taken every sharp object he could find, despite the loaded looks from Jared. He was not taking any chances. He told Jared he was going to be monitoring him, which earned a thin lipped smile. At least it was something. Jeff just wished he could fully believe that the breakthrough was positive. How bizarre was it that part of him even missed Sam? He lingered outside of Jared’s room until a nurse came to do checks, telling her to call him if Jared had any problems. At the nurses’ station, Jeff alerted them to needing someone at Jared’s door and checking every fifteen minutes until he said otherwise. Jared could be mad at him, but Jeff was not going to trust him alone right now.


	12. Chapter 12

One week later-

 

It was him. Jensen was sure it was him, but he would be making a spectacle of himself if he leaned down to get a better look. The object of his intense scrutiny had his face mostly behind a book, cradling the textbook as he studied. Jared had every right to study on campus without being bothered. Every student had that right. Even if you were six-five, with beautiful dark brown hair and catlike hazel eyes, you didn’t deserve to be stared at. Possibly ogled. Definitely lusted after. Jensen had been leaving the coffee shop when he saw Sam- and then remembered it might not ‘be’ Sam. ‘Jared’ had told him that it was ‘Jay’ who Jensen had spoken too on campus. So possibly, this was ‘Jay’ now. There was no way to tell which of Jared’s sides he was looking at. Jensen just felt the need to make contact. He was not even sure what to say, if anything. Maybe he should leave the poor guy alone. 

 

Once Jensen had told Jared he needed time to think, he had way too much time on his hands. Having Jared walk out the door was a move Jensen kept cursing himself for. Chris and Steve were sympathetic, a little amazed when Jensen confided in them what he had found out. He explained to his friends what made ‘Sam’ complicated and different. Jensen had not intended to tell Jared’s secret, but when he would not stop stressing over Jared and thinking about him- his friends demanded to know why he was not just seeing the guy already. It wasn’t that simple. As he was explaining it to Chris and Steve- Jensen felt an inkling of how Jared must have felt telling him. You did not want to encounter disbelief or horror. You might even find yourself nervous over the details. Jensen found himself being very defensive on Jared’s behalf, only calming once Chris and Steve assured him that they believed him. Just to make sure they understood, Jensen showed them the information he had found online and at the library, from doing his own research. So maybe he was a little preoccupied with Jared.

 

Oblivious to him, Jared was studying and seemed to be off in his own world. He did not sit with other students or even at one of the tables. He was sitting under a broad oak tree, his back to the solid trunk as he made it very clear he was busy. He actually studied. When the book was lowered, Jensen hungrily stared at Jared’s face and then realized something had happened. Jared’s face was bruised. It looked to be old bruising, but it was still there. 

 

The fact that it was none of his business did not register really in Jensen’s mind. He was walking over to Jared before he had even finished taking in the damages done to his face. 

 

Jared looked up just as Jensen was going to a crouch beside him, like it didn’t matter that he was getting grass stains on the knees of his khaki slacks. Jared had considered all the ways he might see Jensen again, some day- maybe even a long time from now- and not one scenario had involved Jensen cupping his jaw like he was.

 

“What happened?”

 

Jensen’s thumb barely ghosted over the place where Jared’s lip had split, seeing the faint purpling under the pink of Jared’s mouth. His gruff question was followed by another one.

 

“Who hit you?”

 

Jared had not forgotten his face was a mess, he had just gotten used to the people staring and then looking away. They might talk or whisper, but no one had asked him what happened. He was quiet enough that it was understood he would not appreciate any concern. He was also big enough that no one wanted to piss him off. He swallowed tightly and met Jensen’s eyes.

 

“Hi.”

 

“Hi.”

 

Jensen was thrown off by Jared’s tiny response to him and then replied in kind before he could catch himself. He eased his messenger bag from his shoulder and then sat next to Jared, holding his cup of coffee. Jensen worked the lid from his coffee while avidly watching Jared.

 

“I’m being nosy. I’m definitely overstepping but… whoever did that to you deserves to be in the hospital with doctors looking over them wondering if they’re male or female.”

 

A tiny smile came and went from Jared’s mouth. He sighed and closed his book, setting it aside. He drank from his bottled water as he tried to decide what to tell Jensen. He was amazed to be sitting there with the man that had been haunting his thoughts. He had decided Jensen was going to be that one guy he thought about for way too long no matter who else he found. In between bouts of severe sadness or anger, Jared had been so tempted to call Jensen. To have someone take his mind off of things. What stopped him was the nagging feeling he had ran from it all long enough. Distracting himself would be another way of not facing his past, and he could not afford that luxury. But that did not mean he was going to get up, take his things and walk away from Jensen. Nor was he able to ignore him. Jensen was talking to him and that meant quite a bit to Jared.

 

“It’s over with. It won’t happen again.” 

 

He wasn’t sure how to go on, but he did not want Jensen thinking he was being cool to him.

 

“I hurt him back.”

 

 

“Yeah?” Jensen mulled that over, seeing Jared blush slightly at his intense look. “Still want to hurt him myself.”

 

“Why?”

 

Jared wanted to clap a hand over his mouth right after he asked the first thing that came to his mind. Instead he winced, but Jensen was already answering him.

 

“Because I care about you. Seeing you hurt makes my caveman side come out. I don’t go to the gym and run for nothing, you know. I have to work out my primitive side.”

 

The smile Jensen gave him was slow and sexy, making Jared smile back to him.

 

“Well…still. It’s water under the bridge. How have you been?”

 

Jensen tested his coffee, taking a sip and feeling the tongue burn. He rubbed his tongue to the roof of his mouth in apology, and then answered.

 

“Pretty fucking sad.”

 

“Huh?”

 

Jared only got cuter and he didn’t even know it. Jensen was past pretending he was sophisticated and not

above saying he was aching and sorry for not having Jared with him all the time. Or at least, half the time. He did not look anywhere else but Jared.

 

“I’ve been missing you. Like crazy. Thinking of all the smart things I could have said and all the dumb stuff I *did* say. It’s pretty much Channel Jared in my head. Jared…Sam…Jay, I guess.”

 

Cheeks rosy, Jared dipped his chin and could not seem to break his gaze from Jensen’s. He lifted a hand to rub at the back of his neck, wishing he was dressed better. Here was Jensen wearing a dress shirt in blue-grey and slacks. Nice loafers. Jared looked like he might be doing yard work soon, his jeans, scuffed boots and t-shirt not nearly as nice. He pulled on his hoodie and muttered.

 

“It’s… just me. Jared. No one else.”

 

He frowned, wondering how Jensen would react to that. Trying to make it easier for Jensen, he said, “I know you liked….Sam. I mean-”

 

“I like you. Sam’s just part of you.”

 

Naked relief spilt over Jared’s face and Jensen felt like such an ass for not having come to find Jared sooner. He reached over, hesitantly and rested his hand on top of Jared’s. He wanted to understand. He did not want a life of wondering what could have been because he was too hesitant to ask hard questions. 

 

“Jared, am I understanding right? You’re doing better?”

 

“I am.”

 

It was a stilted reply, making it evident there was a lot to it. Jared sighed deeply and put his back to the tree again, amazed that Jensen was touching him. It was a soft touch, not demanding, or overt. Just there, like sunlight to his skin. He was not sure how to tell Jensen that he was better and he *wasn’t* at the same time. That he had nightmares and sometimes cried as he was bombarded with thoughts of his brother’s death. His therapy sessions with Dr. Morgan kept him going and he was also seeing a grief counselor, a Dr. Beaver that was Jeff’s friend. Jared was making changes, he was waking up as himself every day no matter what happened. It was something. 

 

“Jared?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You want to go for a drive? I’ve got my car. We can go somewhere and talk.”

 

“You sure about that? With me, I mean?”

 

“If I wasn’t being a gentleman, I’d show you how sure I am.”

 

Jensen smiled and stood, reaching a hand down to Jared. He pulled Jared to his feet and their eyes stayed locked together. Jensen whispered.

 

“I regretted letting you walk out. I swear I’ve done it different a million times in my head.”

 

Jared wondered if Jensen was aware of how elegantly gorgeous he was. It was not just his physical appearance, as dauntingly sensual as he was- it was also his way of looking at you like no one else existed. As if you were something new, exotic, interesting. A secret he had to know. Jared brushed a kiss to Jensen’s temple, needing a little taste of him warmed by the sun.

 

“You don’t have to be so sweet to me, Jensen. I won’t break. Do I look fragile or something?”

 

“You don’t have to be fragile to deserve someone good. To feel good.”

 

Jensen had closed his eyes at the glance of Jared’s lips to his brow, and now he smiled openly. Jared’s kiss seemed like forgiveness, or the first drop of much needed rain. He felt some hope that there would be more. Then Jared moved away from him, and Jensen was hungry for him again.

 

“I guess I’m not being a gentleman, Jen. Touching up on you when you want to go driving.”

 

Jared packed his books into his pack and then slung it over his shoulder. He hated feeling so uncertain all the time, as he went through this life of his. Making choices and changes to suit himself. It was a lot to remember and plan. He frowned and then met Jensen’s eyes again.

 

“Are you sure about this? About me?”

 

Jensen took Jared’s free hand and wound their fingers together smoothly.

 

“Quit over-thinking it. Let’s go for a drive. Some exhaust fumes and caramel corn will make you feel better.”

 

A bright laugh came from Jared, his voice hopeful when he said, “Caramel corn?”

 

“Yeah. There’s a box of it in my car. I bought it from a fundraiser. I wasn’t sure I could eat all of it. But you’ve got that sweet tooth. I bet you can put a dent in it…”

 

***

 

Jensen drove out of the city, not caring about where they were going exactly. He was just happy to be going somewhere with Jared. They talked about the songs that came on the radio and Jared shamelessly devoured all of the caramel corn, Jensen leaving him to it. He took more pleasure from seeing Jared eating the treat than having it himself. He was already imagining how Jared would taste when he kissed him later. He was thinking about a little lake nearby, trying to remember exactly how to get there. While he was working out the roads in his head, he heard Jared singing along to the radio. 

 

Jared had his eyes closed, singing along with ‘All I Really Want To Do’ harmonizing with Cher until he realized how quiet it was aside from his singing. He opened one eye and peered at Jensen, grinning.

 

 

 

“What?”

 

“I’m just listening.”

 

“Well don’t. Sing with me.”

 

Jensen heard the ‘I dare you’ implied in Jared’s tone and felt a stirring in his belly. He nodded and started singing with Jared, not overwhelming Jared’s voice. They both found their rhythm and flow in the song, the lyrics seeming right for the moment. Jensen felt happier than he had in a long time, and it came from seeing Jared. Knowing Jared was right there and having a good time. Of course that led Jensen to thinking that Jared deserved a better date than a car ride and some caramel corn. He pulled onto a dirt road eventually, glad the Impala had good shocks. 

 

“Are you going to ask where I’m taking you? Or am I allowed to kidnap you?”

 

Jared smiled at the question. “Maybe you’re just playing into *my* hands, pretty boy.”

 

“Pretty boy?”

 

That made Jensen laugh and he was glad Jared was relaxed enough to flirt with him. He pulled into the mostly overgrown patch of gravel near the lake and turned off the car. He sighed.

 

“I wish I woulda brought some jeans.”

 

Jared grinned at Jensen’s words and slid from the car. “Well there’s already grass stains on your pants.”

 

“True. I guess I should just write em off.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Grass stains.”

 

“You don’t know how to get grass stains out?”

 

Jared seemed shocked and Jensen shrugged.

 

“No. I’m not much good at laundry.”

 

“I can get the stains out.”

 

“Dude…you do not have to do my laundry.”

 

Jared smiled a little and then reached over to cup the back of Jensen’s neck as they were walking. He gave a light squeeze and loved how Jensen sighed at the pressure. Jared felt his body waking up and tried to remember they were just talking. Hanging out. He just thought Jensen was powerfully attractive. In so many ways. Singing along with him, giving him caramel corn. Just taking time out of his day to spend a lazy afternoon with him. It meant a lot to Jared. He sat by Jensen in the grass, both of them facing the lake. Jared moved to sit close to Jensen, their shoulders brushing. After watching the water for a bit, Jared spoke.

 

“I’m getting divorced. I wasn’t sure you were going to ask, but it’s official. The papers are signed and turned in. I’m not contesting anything, so it’ll go faster.”

 

Jensen felt bad that he hadn’t asked a thing about why Jared wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. He cleared his throat and looked down at the verdant grass.

 

“I need to tell you, Jared. When I lost it over you being married-”

 

“I understood.”

 

“No, I can’t act like I was just taking some moral high ground. There was more to it, Jared. I was jealous. I hated the thought of you being with some other man like that. Belonging to him.”

 

Jared lifted a brow and smiled hesitantly. 

 

“There are worse things, Jen. I can’t say I hate you wanting me.”

 

“I had a funny way of showing it.”

 

Jared sighed and rested back to the grass, one arm bent under to cushion his head. He felt peaceful here, away from all the rush. He didn’t have to worry about who might be watching him. What face he needed to show the world. He found it tiresome and draining, not understanding why people were so casually robbed of their privacy, even if they were in public. He never felt the need to stare at anyone. Aside from Jensen.

 

“I swear… Jensen, if anyone understands being awkward or caught off guard, it’s me. I didn’t expect you to be hearts and flowers after what I told you. It was a lot to take in.”

 

Lying down next to Jared, Jensen was tempted to be closer, but he paced himself. He was on his side, facing Jared as they talked.

 

“I was so thrown. I don’t want you to think that’s your fault. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault. I just wish I would’ve seen you more. I’ve missed you. Is it too soon to say I missed you?”

 

“No.”

 

Jared smiled gently.

 

“I missed you too. I just wasn’t sure what to say if I called. I’m so tired, you know? So tired of explaining myself when I barely understand it all sometimes. I have these lists of things I need to do… I get a little overwhelmed. Before… when I had…Sam…or Jay… I didn’t feel this pressure as much. I know that doesn’t make any sense.”

 

“It does.”

 

Jensen nodded.

 

“It really does, Jay- I mean…Jared. I’m sorry. Jared.”

 

“It’s alright. Jay is okay too… I don’t mind. I know what you mean. You let me call you ‘Jen’, don’t you?”

 

“Yeah.” A hint of a smile curved Jensen’s lips. “But I think I’d let you call me just about anything.”

 

Jensen reached over and rested a hand over Jared’s belly, feeling how warm he was. Since he was not dissuaded, he let his hand stay there. Jared put his hand atop Jensen’s and stroked his thumb over the back of it. He was looking at Jensen’s hand , the fine gold hairs there glinting in the sun.

 

“I wasn’t sure how it was going to be, getting to this point. I had to face some things that were real bad.”

 

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

 

“Do you really want to know? It’s nothing good.”

 

Jensen moved closer and fit his shoulder to the groove under Jared’s arm, giving him an embrace. He was surprised when Jared reached down and took his leg under the knee, drawing Jensen’s leg across his waist. They were almost face to face.

“I want to know all about you, Jared. Everything. It’s important to me. Let me be here for you.”

 

Jared had to brace himself to talk about these things, but it helped to have Jensen snuggled to his side. He felt like he could do a lot if Jensen was not shying away from him. He hugged Jensen tight and then took that first step. He started telling Jensen about his brother. Not the abuse, right away. He spoke first of how his brother had always taken care of him. Taught him how to make rockets and climb trees blindfolded. He wanted Patrick to be more to Jensen than just a tragedy. He wanted Jensen to understand that Patrick had more to him than what was done to him. When he spoke of his father’s abuse, Jensen moved up and Jared found himself in Jensen’s arms as Jensen was sitting. Jensen had his arms strong around Jared while he listened silently. He still was not altogether ready when Jared told him about finding Patrick dead. He could hear the pain in Jared’s voice and cried with him. He stroked back Jared’s hair, not interrupting. Jared spoke of his parents’ demise and then meeting Tom. Jared could feel the tension radiating from Jensen and shook his head.

 

“That’s over, Jensen. Don’t be mad. It’s over.”

 

“I can still be angry. You’d be angry for me, wouldn’t you?”

 

“Yeah. I guess I would. I know I would.”

 

“Alright then.”

 

Jared was still as Jensen gently wiped his tears away with his fingertips, not condemning him or saying it was all just too much to handle.

 

“Jen, if you just want to be friends, I’d understand. I know I’m no prize. All my issues. All the crap I come with.”

 

“I don’t think so, Jay. I mean… let me start over. I don’t look at you and think about watching football or barbequing. I want you with me. I want to date you. I want to kiss you. I want more.”

 

He took a breath, gazing at Jared’s face turned to his own.

 

“You don’t need to feel bad that you have a past, Jared. You know what I’d think of someone that had no past? If there was someone out there that never had anything bad happen to them? I’d think I couldn’t ever expect them to understand a damned thing I said. They would not be able to empathize. They would have nothing to contribute when it came to giving advice or understanding. They would be empty. There’s nothing redeemable in being empty… Life is about experiences good and bad. You have had too much of the bad, but it doesn’t make *you* bad. It doesn’t mean you can’t have more of the good, Jay.”

 

“You want to be good for me?”

 

Jared smiled at the words and slowly pulled Jensen’s mouth to his own, kissing him searchingly. Jensen met him halfway, answering him with deepening the kiss. They gently kissed one another, their tongues tickling, teasing and loving. He stroked his hand down Jensen’s back, pulling his dress shirt out of his slacks. He wanted to feel skin. He was rewarded when his hand came in contact with Jensen’s back, fingers grazing over his spine. Jensen made a choked sound of need and Jared chuckled into their kiss. He pulled Jensen over his lap, reversing their roles a bit. He held Jensen’s head between his strong hands as they ate at each other’s mouths. When they needed air, they were panting for it.

 

“Jay?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You need to let me take you out.”

 

“Here?”

 

“What?”

 

“Oh. Did you mean ‘out on a date’ out?”

 

Jensen laughed and nodded, seeing Jared blush.

 

“Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

 

“Oh…alright…yes.”

 

“Good…good. You want to go for a swim?”

 

“The water’ll be cold, Jen.”

 

“I’m counting on it.”

 

Jared laughed, realizing Jensen was trying to wait to go any further into intimacy. They stripped down to their boxers and went for a swim. The cold water worked like a charm, but it did not stop them from kissing and holding each other. Jared felt , for the first time in a long time, it might be okay that he was happy. He might be allowed happiness. He was amazed at the revelation, and moreso that Jensen wanted him. Flaws and all, Jensen wanted to take him on a date. They splashed and dunked each other until they had swallowed enough lake water to feel done with it. Lying on the bank, they let the sun dry them before dressing and going back to the car. Jared sat next to Jensen and asked.

 

“Are we going out tonight?”

 

Jensen smiled, looking to Jared in marked pleasure.

 

“If you’re available.”

 

“I just need to tell you where to pick me up. I’ve been staying at the Ganymede House.”

 

Jensen could tell that Jared was nervous telling him that and he nodded. “I know where it is. Are you living there?”

 

“No. Yes.” Jared winced. “I mean, for now I am. I was living-”

 

“With your husband.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Do you need a place to stay?”

 

“Jensen-”

 

“Seriously. I mean it.”

 

“No, I have my own money. I didn’t want to use it before but Dr. Morgan talked me into it. It’s just money. Just a means to an end. I like the Ganymede House for right now. I feel safe there.”

 

Jared had not meant to say the last of his sentence, but there it was. He did not have to worry as much about Tom jus showing up. He was not sure he was as afraid of Tom as he was of what he himself might do to Tom if pushed. Still, it was enough for Jensen to look at him with intensity as he drove.

 

“Who is making you feel unsafe?”

 

“Jensen-”

 

“Your ex? Is he the one that hurt you?”

 

“I hurt him too.”

 

“Huh.”

 

“I mean it, Jensen. He and I parted on bad terms but the point is we parted.”

 

“I hear you.”

 

“But you don’t believe me.”

 

Jensen lowered his jaw, watching the road when he said.

 

“I see what he did to you. I know you didn’t deserve it. I don’t have to have a play by play to know whatever happened- you never deserved having your face messed up. I saw the other bruises on you when we were swimming. He do those too? The ones on your hip and leg?”

 

Jared’s silence was answer enough. Jensen knew to hurt someone like that you would have to kick or punch them as hard as you could. You had to want to really fuck them up to leave bruises so vibrant and multi-hued on them. Jensen speculated the bruises had been there for a matter of days and then he frowned like God on Judgment Day.

 

“Did it happen after you saw me?”

 

“Oh my God, Jensen. Drop it. You have to let it go.”

 

Jensen sighed and nodded to Jared. He was not about to drop it for good, but he could drop it for now. He turned on the radio, the strains of David Bowie’s ‘The Man Who Sold the World’ filling the car. 

 

“Are you okay?” Jared asked.

 

“I’m fine. I’m good. I just had to know.”

 

“Now you know.”

 

“Yeah, now I know. So what do you want to do tonight?”

 

Jared smiled at the change of topic but welcomed it.

 

“Surprise me.”

 

“Oh, it’s on.”

 

 

 

 

(All I Really Want To Do- written by Bob Dylan)

 

I ain’ lookin to compete with you,

Beat or cheat or mistreat you,

Simplify you, classify you,

Deny, defy or crucify you.

All I really want to do

Is, baby, be friends with you.

 

No, and I ain’ lookin to fight with you,

Frighten you or tighten you,

Drag you down or drain you down,

Chain you down or bring you down.

All I really want to do

Is, baby, be friends with you.

 

I ain’ lookin to block you up

Shock or knock or lock you up,

Analyze you, categorize you,

Finalize you or advertise you.

All I really want to do

Is, baby, be friends with you.

 

I don’t want to straight-face you,

Race or chase you, track or trace you,

Or disgrace you or displace you,

Or define you or confine you.

All I really want to do

Is, baby, be friends with you.

 

I don’t want to meet your kin,

Make you spin or do you in,

Or select you or dissect you,

Or inspect you or reject you.

All I really want to do

Is, baby, be friends with you.

 

I don’t want to fake you out,

Take or shake or forsake you out,

I ain’t lookin for you to feel like me,

See like me or be like me.

All I really want to do

Is, baby, be friends with you.


	13. Chapter 13

“So… let me get this straight.”

 

For this bit of interrogation, Chris even sat up. He pushed Steve’s legs from his lap so he could lean forward and skewer Jensen with his eyes.

 

“You found Sam- but he’s Jared. You went for a drive. Then a swim. Then on a date - after picking him up at the mental hospital. He’s getting divorced and you think everything’s going to be okay.”

 

Jensen raised a brow at some of Chris’ less than subtle hints of dissention regarding his news. He stirred creamer into his coffee and smiled to his best friend and the best friend’s sleepy-eyed boyfriend. Steve was his default best friend and an expert Chris-wrangler. Good for situations like the one at hand.

 

“We had a date, yes. I am dating Jared.”

 

“You’re taking him at his word on a lot, Jenny.” Waving off Steve trying to pet him, Chris added, “You need to think this through. It’s not lightweight. It’s technical stuff. Who knows if he’s on the level. You know what I’m saying?”

 

Knowing Chris meant well and accepting his advice were two different things. Jensen felt extraordinarily protective of Jared as well. He wanted Jared to meet Chris and Steve, but it sure as hell wasn’t going to happen if his friends were going to be weird to Jared. He frowned as he took in what Chris was saying, ready for this argument even as it was brewing.

 

“I think he’s been real fucking up-front, Chris. All he told me? He didn’t have to tell me any of that. He was broken up… and he let me be there. You act like if it’s difficult, I need to bail. Like I don’t have it in me to be in a relationship that isn’t easy.”

 

When Chris and Steve were both notably quiet and giving him the Look, Jensen snapped, “Well fuck you.”

 

That made Steve chuckle. “Come on, Jensen. You walked into that one. When have you ever hung around for anyone that you thought was getting too close or clingy? You broke up with that one guy for leaving a magazine at your place.”

 

“A magazine about *babies*.” Jensen defended, feeling he was perfectly justified. “We don’t all meet our special someone early on, you know. What you two have is rare. I haven’t felt this way in all of ever. I know he’s the One. Seriously. I’d move him into my apartment today if he’d come. He’s the one that chooses to stay someplace he feels safe-”

 

“Safe from what? Or whom?” Chris inquired, lighting a smoke, sure he was going to need it.

 

“His ex-husband.” 

 

Jensen rolled his head from side to side, popping his neck. He could not help getting tense and angry thinking about ‘Tom’. Tom Welling. This person that had left bruises all over Jared like he was a personal punching bag. A man that was still walking around out there, scot-free. 

 

“So he has an abusive ex. Break downs. No place to live.”

 

Chris knew he was pissing Jensen off but he was not going to just nod his head and go along with whatever danger his friend put himself in.

 

“Granted, Jenny, he’s a nice piece of- OW- he’s nice looking…” Chris shot Steve a look for that punch to his upper arm. “But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t hurt you in your sleep. You might have all the best intentions but he could be a danger to you.”

 

“You don’t know him, Chris-”

 

“No, I don’t know him. I don’t owe him a ‘howdy’ on the street- but I know *you* and that means I get to worry. If it was me taking in someone with mental health issues and a sketchy past, you’d be asking me the same damned things.”

 

Steve interceded as the best friends were glaring at each other.

 

“Chris, there’s nothing wrong with Jared needing help. If he has some things to work out, which he does, he needs a doctor, same as you would need a doctor to heal things on your body that weren’t going to be covered with aspirin and a band-aid. It’s not a minus that he’s getting help.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Jensen nodded to Steve.

 

“That said, “ Steve went on. “You don’t need a hero complex, Jensen. I mean, I get you are into him and you want to help him- but you can’t fix his life.”

 

“I wasn’t trying to fix his life. I have every right in the world to offer him anything I want. It’s mine to give. But he’s not asked me for anything.”

 

Chris looked dubious.

 

“Where’d you go for your date?”

 

“Right. You want to hear about our date.”

 

“Yep. Lay it on me, lothario. All the lovey dovey parts too. I’m all ears. Steve, braid my hair and then we’ll have a pillow-fight.”

 

“Fuck you, Chris.” Steve kissed his boyfriend’s smile and then nodded to Jensen. “But really, tell us.”

 

“Fine.”

 

The night before…

 

Jared stood before his closet and felt his confidence flagging. He wondered why he thought he could do this. He had not been on a date in so long. Dinners with Tom did not count. He had never had any choice in the matter. He had worn whatever Tom wanted him to wear. Sat where he was told to sit. Tonight, with Jensen, was a whole other adventure. He was just hitting a wall looking at his clothing. He had not retrieved anything from the house. He felt it was better not to give Tom anything to hold over his head. He cut his losses, so to speak. He would rather walk away from everything he had owned than go back into that house. He finally sighed and took a crisp white shirt off its hanger and pulled it on, choosing dark trousers to go with it. It would just have to do. He unbuttoned his collar and peered at himself in the mirror. Not bad, really. He had tanned a bit from their swim at the lake, his color wasn’t bad for all that he had been a hermit lately. He needed a haircut, but there was no time for that. He combed his hair and then dashed his hand through it, deciding to leave it as a lost cause. His hair was going to do whatever it wanted to anyway. He could just pretend not to care, give it less encouragement to defy him. He took a lightweight jacket and walked out of his room. Stopping at the nurse’s station, he signed the form saying he was going out.

 

“So where are you off to?”

 

Jared smiled to Nurse Hettie and handed back the clipboard and filled out form. “A date.”

 

“Oooh.” She smiled as she looked him over from behind her bifocals. “Well don’t you look spiffy. Do you have prophylactics?”

 

Jared blushed bright red all the way to the roots of his hair, eyes going large. “No-” He was stunned to have a handful of plastic wrapped rainbow colored rubbers thrust at him by the petite little nurse. He took them reflexively and goggled at her.

 

“There you go. You need more, you let me know. We don’t want you having any troubles. No sense borrowing trouble when condoms are free, you know. Well scoot. You go have a good and SAFE time.”

 

Walking away from her in a daze, Jared crammed the condoms into his pocket as deep as he could and hoped to God he never had to experience that again. Next time he was so going to lie and say he had protection on him. Hettie was cute and cheery, but she reminded him of Mrs. Claus and no one needed Mrs. Claus raining rubbers over them as a morale booster. He stood on the sidewalk outside of the Ganymede House, watching the street for Jensen. Every car that passed made him wonder if he should run inside to make sure he still looked okay or maybe go in and throw the condoms in his room before Jensen arrived. That choice evaporated when he saw Jensen’s metal beast of a car pulling around the curve. Jared smiled and got in before Jensen had even completely pulled to a stop. Surprising Jensen, he leaned over and kissed his cheek.

 

“Hey.”

 

“You look awesome.”

 

Jensen’s first words made Jared blush in pleasure and he noted Jensen was dressed casually too. A loose red dress shirt that made Jensen’s lips look even pinker and his eyes dangerously emerald. His jeans were apparently sewn onto him and Jared appreciated that fact very much. Jensen looked amazing, not that he ever failed in that department. Jensen’s natural confidence and grace gave him a general aura of masculinity and attractiveness, and then his looks kicked in and your ass was grass. He was pretty damned irresistible.

 

“Jared?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“I asked if you were okay?”

 

“Oh,” Jared realized he had been staring and made a little face. “I’m fine. I like your shirt.”

 

“Thanks.” Jensen grinned over to him, the passing streetlights throwing shadows over his face as he drove. “I decided you’re a good luck charm.”

 

“How’s that?” Of all the things Jared had ever been called, that wasn’t one of them.

 

“I didn’t get sun-burnt today. That’s a minor miracle. I think you throw a big enough shadow that I was spared.”

 

Jared laughed and relaxed finally. This was okay. He wasn’t being interviewed or tested.

 

“I’m glad to be of service. I freaked out my student advisor yesterday. You should call him and tell him I’m a good luck charm.”

 

Looking worried, Jensen asked. “How did you freak him out?”

 

“I switched my major. I’m not studying education any more. I’m going back to fine arts. With a minor in world history.”

 

“Wow. You were close to your degree, weren’t you?”

 

“Yep, and now I’m close to doing what I want.”

 

“Good for you.”

 

Jared gave Jensen a dubious look, wondering if that was it. Jensen did not seem to be preparing to talk him out of his decision. If anything, Jensen seemed more perturbed by the radio playing a song he didn’t like, in his space. Jared waited until Jensen had found an agreeable alternative rock station before he spoke.

 

“I want to paint again. I have all these old sketchbooks and ideas. I think, if I had time, I could put together something. Like a graphic novel. I’ve always wanted to do that.”

 

Jensen was interested, his eyebrows lifting. “What about? Your novel, I mean.”

 

Hedging for a moment, Jared finally answered. “It’s just an idea so far… but I was thinking of this hitman character. Like the world’s best hitman. People say he can kill anyone or anything, right? So he gets hired for all these elite jobs and missions until he’s almost bored with it. He’s not unconscionable, he’s just very good. Then he falls in love so he gives it all up. Just like that. Because he can’t handle the thought of his lover ever being in danger. They have a child eventually and their child is killed mysteriously. It looks like an accident, but this guy- the assassin, can tell it’s *made* to look that way. He can’t miss those little tells that alert him…so he looks for who did it. He figures it has something to do with him and what he was.”

 

“Does the wife know what he used to do?” Jensen questioned.

 

“Husband, and yes, he knows- but he believed the assassin when he said he was never going back to it. Never doing it again.”

 

“Ah. Go on.”

 

“Well, then the assassin looks into it…and traces the murder to an order of priests. He finds out that they were told by angels to kill his child. Which is crazy, right? But he can tell that they believe what they’re telling him. He takes all of them out and then decides to go after their boss too.”

 

“Their boss? The pope or God?”

 

“God. After everyone else. Like it’s a staircase, the more he takes down, the higher he gets.”

 

“Angels?”

 

“Yeah, but…. When he deals with the angels that’s when he finds out he is , himself, Azrael trapped in an earthly form. He is the angel of death himself and his son would have been a sign that he was not without the gift of creation himself. Angels were supposedly denied-”

 

“The ability to procreate after the whole nephilim thing in Genesis.” Jensen said, agreeing. He nodded to Jared and smiled. “I read, dude.”

 

“Yeah, so…” Jared chuckled at Jensen’s words as he was talking. “That’s the premise.”

 

“I’d read it. I’d buy it and read it and wonder if anyone would make it into a movie. There’s hope these days with ‘Watchmen’ and ‘Hellboy’. Graphic novels make serious bank.”

 

Jared felt hope swell inside of him as Jensen didn’t shoot down his idea or express dismay over the subject matter. Jensen just seemed truly interested and supportive, like win or lose, it was worth doing. 

 

“Jensen?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“If we weren’t just dating and taking things slow?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I’d blow you right now.”

 

Jensen jerked his head towards Jared and then had to look back to the road. 

 

“Jesus. Well I’m glad I’m not wearing khakis right now.”

 

Jared smiled in satisfaction and reached over, resting his hand to the back of Jensen’s neck.

 

“Where are we going?”

 

“I don’t know now. My brain has no oxygen… all the oxygen carrying blood cells are playing limbo.”

 

Jensen shifted his hips and felt some relief as his jeans quit gripping his groin.

 

“It’s a surprise. You said to surprise you.”

 

“Oh yeah.”

 

Jared played a fingertip over Jensen’s ear and smiled.

 

“You do surprise me, Jen.”

 

“Quit it.”

 

Jensen shivered as his neck was tickled before Jared just settled his hand there, mostly behaving. Driving into the downtown area of Dallas, Jensen was very aware of Jared’s light touches to his neck. He wanted to take Jared to his place and make him pay for his teasing, but he was not going to go down that easy. So to speak. He had planned something for Jared and damnit, they were going. He pulled into an underground garage and parked the Impala, eyeing Jared.

 

“Get out of the car. If you kiss me right now it’s all on you for ruining my surprise to you.”

 

Jared cackled at the words and obediently got out of the car, stretching and flashing some belly before he grinned to Jensen.

 

“See? I’m being good.”

 

Jensen thought that was still debatable. He took Jared’s hand in his and led him from the garage, walking with him down the sidewalk. No one really spared them a glance. Everyone was out, headed for the nearby nightclubs or restaurants. It was a beautiful night. Jensen pulled Jared to his side when he stopped before a door simply marked ‘NOKA’ in bold letters. Jensen pressed a small button to the side of the door, saying warmly.

 

“Jensen Ackles. Party of two.”

 

“Oh, of course Mr. Ackles, you’re expected. Antonia is on her way down.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Jensen quirked a brow as he saw how Jared was scanning the door and the face of the building trying to reason out what he was seeing. They were admitted by a beaming young woman with shining dark hair and quickly moving high heels. Jared was keen to figure out his surprise and Antonia was another clue. She was the picture of polite efficiency, but he could not tell her function really. Entering the building, he looked around at walls so deeply burnished like rare earth. A long glass sculpture of a light was suspended from the ceiling, looking like a teardrop nearly ready to fall.. He was amazed at the beauty of the place, puzzling over it all. He paused in the entrance taking a breath and smiling.

 

“Is it…?”

 

“You’ll see.”

 

What was Jared, a bloodhound? Jensen sniffed the air but could not detect anything aside from the young woman’s sweet perfume. They followed her up a set of stairs and entered a glass paneled showroom that was eclipsed by the deep brown walls cut into a curve, framing the glass panes at the center of the room. Jared blinked as he read the frosted letters on the glass.

 

‘NOKA Chocolate’

 

 

He was dazzled as they were escorted past the glass doors into a small room outfitted with plush raspberry red chairs and a slender stainless steel table. Just past the sole table and chairs there was a large display case made of the same shining steel, holding an array of chocolates underlit by the glowing panel they rested on. It might be an understatement to say ‘chocolates’ when looking over so many delicate creations, each sitting in a signature paper cup dusted in cocoa powder. Jared’s mouth fell open before he looked to Jensen.

 

“Are we in heaven?”

 

Jensen grinned and took in Jared’s pleasure as a treat to himself, sweeter than any candy.

 

“It’s like heaven, if you like chocolate. I reserved a private tasting. I thought you’d like it.”

 

The woman attending them, Antonia, beamed as the young lovers were gazing at each other before they were giving her their attention again. She opened the case carefully, showing the array of specialty made chocolates.

 

“Your coffee is going to be served at your table gentlemen, but I can tell you about the chocolates you see before you. The dark chocolate you will be enjoying is a true journey from around the world. Trinidad, Ecuador and Venezuela…”

 

After listening to Antonia telling them about how the finest cocoa powder was gathered from around the world and then made into the chocolates with every care. They sat to the table, having gourmet coffee brought to them as two other assistants joined Antonia. Jensen tried the truffle he was given, finding it so rich he had to eat it in small bites whereas Jared had his own gone in seconds. Apparently, Jared *was* in heaven and the chocolatiers had found a true believer in him. They brought more chocolates and truffles to the table, telling about the different notes and aspects to each confection as well as explaining the types of true organic creams in their centers. Jensen was surprised at the blend of tobacco and cherry that made the chocolate taste so exotic and inviting. It was better than he had even expected. Jared was aglow, tipping his head back and listening to the description of the cocoa creations before trying them and remarking on his favorites.

 

“This one,” Jared decided, holding up a chocolate wrapped in light orange paper. “This is my favorite. Did you try this one, Jen?”

 

Before Jen could answer, he was being fed the chocolate and obliged by taking a bite. It was citrusy and lighter than some of the others, melting over his tongue and tasting like summer and sex. He mm-ed and nodded to Jared, loving it.

 

Jared closed the space between them and softly kissed Jensen’s lips, whispering. “You taste even better.”

 

Bowing his head, Jensen felt his cheeks heat and tried to cover it by drinking his coffee. When he trusted his voice, he met Jared’s eyes again.

 

“I thought you’d like it.”

 

“I might even love it.”

 

Jared broke their eye contact and thanked the lovely Antonia and her assistants for their service. He was bowled over by the place, still smiling when his gift wrapped box of chocolates was brought to the table in an elegant black bag. They left the chocolate shop together, Jensen feeling the effects of it already. He felt a little jittery whereas Jared seemed to be taking it in stride.

 

“Are you hungry? For some real food, I mean?”

 

At Jared’s suggestion, they ended up at a little pub that students frequented. It was tucked away from the main street and served hot food on real plates. Jared was not a shy date when it came to eating. He even helped Jensen polish off his steak fries after their cheeseburgers had been devoured. Jensen sat back on his side of their booth, the tall wooden sides giving them privacy of a sorts. He patted his full belly and grinned to Jared.

 

“I think I gained five pounds tonight.”

 

Jared smiled to him.

 

“I’d help you work it off but we’re being good, right?”

 

“That’s right. Because… because we…why are we waiting again?” Jensen laughed at his own question and turned his beer in his hand, sighing. He smiled ruefully and answered himself. “I just want you to be sure first, Jay. That’s real important to me…and we’ve got time. Being with you, seeing you, is amazing. It doesn’t have to be more right away.”

 

“You want to make sure I can deal with it. You‘re being careful for my sake.” Jared was not accusatory. His tone showed his understanding even if he wanted to pull Jensen over to him and kiss away any lingering doubts or worries they had between them. He knew the benefits of not rushing. He also knew what he wanted. Who he wanted. “I guess I need to tell Jeff that we’re dating. I mean… if we’re…officially…God, I don’t know how to say it. We should be able to go out without me-”

 

“We’re dating.” Jensen reached over and took Jared’s hand. He held Jared’s hand and nodded to him, reassuring him. “We’re officially dating, and I… I want to be serious. I know you’re getting divorced and there’s so much going on-”

 

“But you’re the good thing.” Jared squeezed Jensen’s hand, smiling to him. “You’re the good thing I’ve got going on… and I want you.”

 

“Then…that’s settled.” He breathed a little easier now that Jared was smiling again. Jensen did not want Jared worried on his behalf or wondering if Jensen was possibly taking advantage of him or jerking him around. Never that. He settled back in the booth, leaving his hand in Jared’s. “So tell me more about your reincarnated Azrael….”

 

By the time they were aware of the booths and tables around them being cleaned off, Jensen and Jared had been talking for over three hours straight. They shared a sheepishly apologetic smile with their server, but she waved it off, telling them they were fine. They left the pub after Jensen paid the bill and left a big tip. Walking back to the car, Jensen slid his arm around Jared’s waist.

 

“You think I can call you tomorrow?”

 

Jared nodded. “You can call me anytime. If I don’t answer it’s because I’m in class or talking to Dr. Morgan or Dr. Beavers.”

 

Jensen understood. He wondered what Jeff would make of him dating Jared and scowled. “Do you think Morgan’ll give you any grief over me?”

 

“No.” Jared had to laugh at Jensen’s ready to fight face. “He’s going to worry but it’s not like you think. He just wants me to be careful and make good decisions for myself. He won’t hate you, Jensen.”

 

Jensen was not so sure. He thought Dr. Morgan liked his patient a bit more than just as a case. He kept that to himself. There was no reason to spoil the night. He drove Jared to the Ganymede House and walked him to the front doors. When he hugged Jared, they started kissing gently, bodies pressed close together. He heard the crinkling in Jared’s pocket and chuckled. He reached to Jared’s pocket and patted it, asking. “Did you sneak more chocolates at the shop?”

 

“Jen- no-”

 

Jensen had already playfully slid his hand into Jared’s pocket and his eyes flared. He pulled out one of the condoms as Jared groaned and tried to hide his face to Jensen’s neck.

 

“Wow.”

 

“The nurse…I didn’t-”

 

“I’m flattered.”

 

“Going in now.”

 

Jared kissed Jensen once more, still blushing before he went inside the Ganymede House, warmed all throughout by Jensen’s laughter.

 

***

 

As he finished telling Chris and Steve about his date with Jared, Jensen was smiling again. He could not help it. He was mad for Jared and it was hard to contain it. He saw Steve was smiling too, but Chris was trying not to. Chris was attempting his stern ‘scholarly’ face which never quite worked.

“It sounds nice.”

 

Chris grudgingly said the words, accepting Steve nudging him.

 

“Alright, it sounds really nice. It sounds like you had a good time. How many dates are you waiting before you do the deed again?”

 

Steve growled a little and whapped Chris to the back of the head. 

 

“That is so not the point, Chris. Jensen’s in love.”

 

“He never said ‘love’.” Chris argued.

 

Jensen cleared his throat and normally this would be his cue to razz his friends for falling for that whole love thing. He had teased them many times before, even as he admired what they had. He was glad for them but he had never expected it to happen to him. He had almost convinced himself he was to cerebral for his own good and was not able to let go enough to love someone else. Now he held up a hand and saw Chris’ smug look.

 

“It’s love.”

 

Chris groaned theatrically and fell back to the sofa, even as Steve was pulling Jensen up for a hard hug.


	14. Chapter 14

How many dates until he was going to have Jensen naked? Jared wondered it even as he walked across campus. They were five official dates in and still, behaving. He was aware of the reasons they needed to make sure it was right, but didn’t all relationships involve some risk? He was starting to feel a gnawing ache in his belly every time they just kissed at the door and parted ways. Knowing that Jensen was going home to do what he, himself, was going *inside* to do? It was a sweet torture. He could imagine so clearly how Jensen would look stroking himself, thinking of their ‘finally’ coming along. It was intoxicating. Jensen filled up his thoughts until he knew he might burst soon if he didn’t make love to the man. Jensen was not the one being over-provocative. Jared knew that was all him, but he wanted Jensen to know the depth of his craving. He didn’t want Jensen to wonder for a moment if he was taking over his waking and dreaming mind. 

 

Jared shook his head, only half aware of the other students around him as he walked the curving path passing through the quad. He was done with classes for the day and considering going over to Jensen’s place to surprise him. Maybe take him out to lunch. Jensen was always paying for everything, insisting that he was ‘courting’ Jared and that meant it was on his dime. Jared understood that Jensen was being conscientious of Jared’s status as a student, and generally being a gentleman about it, but still- he *wanted* to take Jensen out. This was not like his time with Tom when he had no money of his own. He was actually comfortably well off, and though the inheritance came from horrible circumstances, he could live off of it. Considering, Jared smiled, he could always coax Jensen into Greek food for lunch. Jensen loved Greek food.

 

He was always learning more about Jensen. Like how many times a day the man changed his socks because he didn’t like to see dirty socks on his feet. Jensen had a jar of peanut butter mixed with jelly in his cabinet that he called his ‘writer food’. Part of his ritual, which Jared understood also involved three bottles of water and a certain stack of mixed compact discs. It was never boring with Jensen and Jared never felt like he was intruding by asking questions. Every time they were together, Jared felt amped up. Their dates were all good. Not a dud in the bunch.

 

Their second date was a movie, but neither one of them saw it. Salty popcorn and melting Reeses pieces flavored their kisses and they were happy only seeing each other. The flicker of light from the theatre screen would hit a cheekbone or shine off of eyes nearly closed under dense lashes. It was the best movie Jared had ever seen. He felt like a kid, truth be told, but it was good to know his breath could still be stolen. He could not get enough of Jensen.

 

Date number three was a Spurs game, and they weren’t making out there. No, they paid attention to the game, yelling and cheering. Jared knew they could pass for buddies right then but there was nothing ‘just friends’ about the way he kept eyeing Jensen’s belly whenever it was bared. Jensen had snuck little smiles and whispers to Jared during halftime and they had just about snuck off to the men’s-room but the game resumed in the knick of time. No bathroom stall necking, which sounded dirty *now* but like an excellent idea at the time.

 

Their fourth date was Jared’s choice and they went to a mammoth comic book store and afterwards? A pizza parlor arcade. If there was something cuter than Jensen cussing out Whack-a-Mole, Jared had never seen it. He laughed himself to the point of pain at how focused and cutthroat Jensen became with mallet in hand. In fact, Jensen did not leave the game until he had a perfect score. Jared could have wandered off to play something else, but the best entertainment was Jensen muttering to the ‘lil fuckers’. After he had bested the moles, Jensen was more agreeable to skee ball and then shooting some monsters. One thing Jared learnt that night? Never piss Jensen off if he had a sledgehammer.

 

 

By their fifth date they were both practically on vibrate. So what did Jensen opt for? Double date with Chris and Steve at a steakhouse. Jared had been nervous about meeting Jensen’s friends and then Jensen had told him that Chris and Steve knew…everything. Jared had not reacted to that angrily, or wounded as Jensen seemed to expect. To Jensen’s amazement, Jared was relieved. He did not have to explain things that he would rather not discuss over country music and tin buckets of peanuts. This way, he could just go to dinner without wondering if he was going to have to field awkward questions about his divorce, where he lived or what he was doing with himself. 

 

Their dinner conversation was a little stilted at first until Chris had finally said, “So… I Googled you. Not *you* specifically, but your condition. I just want you to know, I think what all you’re doin is real brave, Jared. I just thought I should tell you that even if everyone’s lookin at me like I done lost my mind.”

 

Jared had been shocked a moment and then he busted out laughing, reaching next to him to rub over Jensen’s neck. Jensen was glaring at Chris, but Jared was not at all offended.

 

“That’s funny. I did the same thing. I mean after I was diagnosed. I went home and Googled it too.”

 

After that, the ice had been officially broken. Jared and Chris had done most of the talking as Steve and Jensen kept exchanging wondering looks over how funny life could be.

 

That had been two nights past and since then, Jared had been over to Chris and Steve’s place. He had marveled over their collection of guitars and been treated with getting to hear them play. They were not treating him like an intruder at all, and he felt naked relief for that. He didn’t want them to think he was some weirdo Jensen had picked up and needed to shake. From what he could see, once Chris and Steve decided you were alright, they took you in. He was invited over any time, and they meant it. That was a big deal to Jared. It meant he officially had friends. Jensen was kinda like a friend, but he was a boyfriend and that was different. There was Dr. Morgan, of course, but he was still Jared’s psychiatrist. So, Chris and Steve were the actual ‘friend-friends’. Jared felt richer from having friends than he did from his bank account.

 

He was lost in thought when he remembered he had gone right past the computer lab. He had been meaning to stop in there to send off a paper before heading back to Ganymede House. He was planning to buy a laptop but he hadn’t gotten around to it yet. It was as he was turning that he saw Evan. Right there. Plain as day. following him. Jared gritted his teeth and saw the other man’s eyes snap wide in a bit of startlement at being spotted. Jared sharply arched a brow and then growled. Fuck that. He walked towards Evan with a sure stride, knowing Evan was wondering if it was time to run or coast by on bravado. 

 

Evan had strict orders to keep track of Jared and report back to Tom what his husband was doing. It angered Evan that Tom was still so interested in Jay. Almost more now than when they had been together. Their divorce was nearly finalized but had Tom made any mention of Evan taking Jay’s place? Moving into the Welling house? No. Nothing. Tom seemed to lack the passion he had exhibited before losing Jay and it stung. Evan was ready to be Tom’s everything, but here he was walking around spying on Jay and his time with his new lover. Who was quite the looker, but Evan downplayed that to Tom, sparing his feelings. He described Jensen as being short, blond and a bit twinkish. He knew that made Tom feel better, not thinking Jared had found his match or equal in another man. Evan was not prepared to have Jay suddenly change directions and start coming his way. He actually feared for his safety. The petulant man backed up, nearly stumbling over his own feet while telling himself he was a man, a civilized man, and he was not going to run - in broad daylight- from Jay ‘please don’t kick me’ Welling.

 

Jared reached out as soon as he was close enough and grabbed a handful of Evan’s pinstriped canary yellow on lime shirt, lifting him off the ground as he snarled.

 

“Why are you following me?”

 

He could not believe he was being handled like he weighed nothing, and especially by JAY. Evan croaked in shock and lifted a hand, trying to pry the man’s fingers loose. That giant hand had no give to it.

 

“Get your hands off of me! This is a public place! I can walk here if I want to! “

 

“Keep on yelling, you little shit.”

 

As he said the words, Jared was pulling Evan with him from the path, into a small copse of trees. Evan’s back hit one of the old mighty oaks and his vision was mostly Jay glaring down to him. Sneering, Evan glared back.

 

“You think just because you’re crazy, you can do whatever you want? I could have you arrested, Jay!”

 

Smirking to the man in his hold, Jared glanced over the expertly cut dark hair and big blue eyes like he was looking at something on the heel of his shoe.

 

“Arrested? You can’t do a damned thing without Tom’s say-so, isn’t that right? I bet that just burns you up.”

 

Teeth bared, Evan tried to kick Jared in the groin but Jared’s knee painfully pinned his upper thigh down, applying enough pressure to make Evan gasp.

 

“Is that what this is about? You jealous of me and Tom?”

 

Evan felt he had hit the mark until Jay laughed softly and shook his head, eyes incredulous.

 

“Jealous of you? Being jealous of you would be like me being jealous of a bottle of lube and some Kleenex, Evan. You serve a function, then you get thrown to the side.”

 

After the curt words, Jared let Evan drop from his hands, not even shoving him like he wanted to. He stepped back from the smaller man.

 

“I see you tailing me again and I’m calling the police. I’ll file a restraining order and you and your boss slash fuck-buddy can explain it to the cops why you’re stalking me. We clear?”

 

Pale and shaken, Evan straightened the front of his shirt, nodding vigorously.

 

“Yes, sir. I mean yes. I understand.”

 

“Good, because if you don’t - you WILL.” Jared turned and walked away from Evan, mood soured. He had wanted to punch the bitch right in his pouty face, but that was too much. Evan was Tom’s lackey and if anyone needed threatened, it was Tom. Hopefully Evan scuttling back to him with Jared’s threats would put an end to this new development.

 

***

 

Reading over Jared’s file, Jeff did not notice the door to his office opening. He was deep in thought until a large cup of Starbucks’ coffee was placed near his hand. Looking up with a smile, his eyes warmed considerably.

 

“Jared, good to see you on an off day.”

 

Jared shared his smile, sitting across from him and putting his school bag to the floor. “I thought you might like a coffee break.” He took the lid from his own foamy mocha concoction, breathing over the bubbles. “I needed one.”

 

Jeff uncapped his own coffee and nodded, breathing in the rich blend. “You better believe it. I can always be bribed with caffeine. So how are things going?”

 

“Off the clock?”

 

Grinning, Jeff shrugged. “Yeah, sometimes I’m just making conversation. I promise not to take notes.”

 

“Fair enough.” Jared had a swallow of his coffee before answering. “Tom has Evan following me. I confronted Evan about it but… I don’t know if it’s going to just stop. It’s weird. I can’t quite figure it out. Why he’s spying on me.”

 

Jeff’s smile evaporated and his brows drew together. “It’s illegal. There are stalking laws.”

 

“I know.” Jared nodded, eyes thoughtful. “I just know Tom. If he thinks he has a right to do something, a piece of paper is only going to go so far. Restraining orders are only as good as the people they’re given to. Just like locks on a door. They can be broken.” He tipped his head to the side and mused. “Of course if he came through *my* door I’d have to kick his ass back out.”

 

“Do you think you’re up to that, Jared?”

 

A small smile turned Jared’s lips, his eyes going dark. “Yeah, pretty sure I am more than up to that. He’s made a down-payment on an ass-kicking from me. I was just trying to let it go peacefully.”

 

“Have you discussed any of this with Jensen? Would Tom be having him watched as well?”

 

“I don’t know what Tom is doing precisely… I only saw Evan today.” Jared sucked at his lower lip as he was thinking it over. Just what he needed, another reason for Jensen to think he was a very bad idea for a boyfriend. They were doing so well that he hated to break that flow. He shrugged. “I can always go talk to Tom-”

 

“Given the abuse and past situations, Jared-”

 

“I know all of that better than you do, Jeff.” Jared was not being unkind, simply very pointed. “I’m not that person any more. I won’t just take it.”

 

“And then it could escalate, grow more dangerous.”

 

“I hadn’t thought of that.”

 

Jeff drank more of his coffee and then put the cup aside. He leaned to his desk, studying Jared. He was so tempted to tell the young man there was another option. Jeff would gladly let Jared stay at his place and he had more security in his apartment building, sole access to the top floor. It would be safer by far than even the Ganymede House. The thing was, he knew it would not be kosher. There was an attraction he felt for Jared and he had to keep it leashed at all times. Having Jared in his home would be the opposite of ‘leashed’. Jeff rubbed over his face, thinking hard on the matter.

 

“The trouble with dealing with other people and how low they’ll go is you have to think like them, even if it’s like drinking mud. You have to remember their standards and boundaries, Jared. Tom has anger issues. He is abusive physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. I don’t want you to get into a possibly high-risk situation.”

 

“You do know I’m not a kid, right? I have muscle on me.”

 

“I’m aware.” Jeff chuckled faintly and shook his head. “But that doesn’t mean you want to have a conflict go too far with your ex-husband. Maybe we need to set you up at a new address.”

 

“I was thinking about that.”

 

Jeff stilled and realized he was not quite wanting to hear Jared was moving in with Jensen, he kept quiet as Jared went on.

 

“I saw this ad in the paper for a house just outside of Dallas. It looks real nice. I think I’d like it there.”

 

“But you have classes-”

 

“Yeah…unless I take them online, which is an option. I have enough credits to easily finish the rest of my schooling off campus. The truth is, Jeff, I’m tired of the city. I want some peace. Some place where I can stand outside and not see a car for at least five minutes. Hear the wind instead of sirens and shouting. I just want some quiet.”

 

“Have you… discussed this with Jensen?”

 

Jared looked down momentarily. “No… but… I’m going to. I have been thinking it over. I can’t stay at the Ganymede House forever. My medical insurance is good but come on.”

 

“You’re right. It’s not a permanent solution but-”

 

“I don’t want to keep second-guessing things I feel passionately about either. If I’m fantasizing about a green yard and getting a dog then I figure that’s good enough for me. I can go with it. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. It’s not the end of the world.”

 

Jeff nodded. Jared was right, of course, but it sounded so done and sure. Not like a proposition as much as a plan. He sighed and tried to not look so worried.

 

“And your sessions with me and Dr. Beaver?”

 

“I can drive into the city for my sessions. It’s not that far.”

 

“You have your license?”

 

“Yeah.” Jared smiled. “I wasn’t going to steal a car to see you, Jeff. A little faith here.”

 

That made Jeff laugh and he swore he saw Sam again, but of course, Sam was Jared and vice versa. Even for a professional, it was tricky sometimes.

 

“So when are you talking to Jensen about this?”

 

“I am guessing tonight.”

 

“Well, good luck with it. Don’t be too hard on him if he isn’t happy right away. No one wants you leaving Dallas.”

 

“It’s not leaving the planet or even Texas.” Jared smiled reassuringly, “I just have a good feeling about this place. Be happy for me, Jeff?”

 

“I am happy for you.”

 

“Say it with a smile.”

 

“You’re pushing it, kiddo.”

 

Jared smiled and stood, “I got to get going. But I’ll be in tomorrow for our appointment.”

 

Jeff stood as well, coming around his desk to clap a hand to Jared’s shoulder.

 

“You take care til then.”

 

“I do. I will.”

 

Jared surprised Jeff with a one armed hug before he was out the door, leaving the doctor staring after him.


	15. Chapter 15

Frowning to his computer screen, Jensen wondered why he let his characters jerk him around like this. He had a clear set plan for his current plan and now the main character was starting to let his eyes wander. He was not paying enough attention to Bianca, Jensen decided. His male lead , Kiernan, would not be eyeing his best friend, Sheridan, if Jensen revived Bianca. He needed to go a few chapters back, he decided, rubbing his chin. If Bianca had not hung back during the bar fight- there was no way that Kiernan could keep from being turned on. Impressed. It would give Kiernan and Bianca something to talk about in the car ride chapter too. Fuck. That meant scrapping Bianca being given a hard time by Sheridan but- it was worth it. Jensen had not written the raven haired Bianca with her amazingly pert breasts just to have her being second fiddle to the wise-cracking Sheridan. He made notes to his pad of paper, hearing a buzz from downstairs. Distracted, he moved away from his laptop, over to the intercom by his door. He pushed the talk button and smiled.

 

“You better have fortune cookies and some real egg foo young or we aren’t talking, Kane.”

“Ah…it’s me. Jared. You busy?”

 

“Hey. Come on up!”

 

Jared smiled at Jensen’s warm tone, hearing it go from heckling one’s best friend to greeting one’s boyfriend. He appreciated the difference. He went up as soon as he was buzzed in. He was still smiling when he reached Jensen’s door, getting pulled in for a hello kiss. He nuzzled his mouth to Jensen’s and sucked at Jensen’s lower lip.

 

“So, you expecting Chris soon or…?”

 

Jensen burned a hot laugh, pulling Jared with him to the couch by way of answering. He pushed Jared down and took his lap, facing him. He could happily wile away some time making out with Jared. He loved how Jared’s hands spanned his waist, fingers over the skin of his back under his shirt. Jensen growled at how Jared tasted, feeling his boyfriend’s lap firming under his ass. Life was pretty damned good. He bit over Jared’s jaw and felt the rub of Jared’s stubble to his cheek.

 

“You didn’t shave, you lazy bum.”

 

Laughing, Jared shrugged and relaxed back to the cushions, looking up at Jensen. He playfully rolled up Jensen’s t-shirt over his belly and just looked at him.

 

“You kinda remind me of a palomino.”

 

“Qu'est-ce que c'est ?” Jensen smiled quizzically, not sure what Jared was saying.

 

“You know? Palominos? Big golden horses with really pretty manes? No? You ever go horseback riding?”

 

“Of course I’ve been horseback riding. I just don’t tend to look at my boyfriend like he’s a horse. Well, before you.”

 

Jared smiled, not even blushing as he did a eyebrow waggle to Jensen.

 

“Well, your coloring is what I was talking about. It was just a random thought.”

 

“As long as it’s a compliment.”

 

“It was. So when’s Chris getting here?”

 

“Oh. I thought you were him but I doubt he’s coming over. He was here earlier and ate my Chinese leftovers from the other night.”

 

Jensen nodded, thinking of Kane helping himself to his fridge, saying Jensen was only going to be eating his jar of Smucker’s Goober peanut butter and grape jelly anyway. Since Chris mentioned his jar of Goober, Jensen took it to the living room to safely keep beside him. 

 

“You hungry or anything? My treat.”

 

“You don’t have to do that, Jared-”

 

“How about I want to? We can order a pizza. Watch a movie.”

 

Jensen smiled, knowing they would have a good time wherever they were. Jared took that as assent and was off the couch, letting Jensen roll from his lap to the cushions. Jared walked over to the computer desk where the cordless phone was docked, picking it up. He was opening the phonebook to find the number to the nearest Pizza Hut as he saw Jensen’s notes. ‘Breasts. Ripped shirt from bar fight. Breathing hard. Bloody lip.’ Jared glanced his boyfriend’s way and teasingly asked, “So how do you feel about vagina?”

 

“Why are you ordering some?”

 

Jared barked a laugh and then nodded towards the notebook. “Looks like you are. Some biker chick. You want me to come back later?”

 

Jensen laughed, stretching out on the couch. “That’s Bianca. She’s not getting any love in my novel so I’m re-working a scene for her. She has to win her man. So far the lead character is eyeballing his best friend.”

 

“Why not have’em both?” Jared held up a hand as Jensen started to answer, saying, “No, I was talking to my boyfriend. Hi- I’m calling for a delivery…” He ordered their dinner and then hung up the phone, smiling. “She thought I was calling her a biker chick. Now she just thinks that’s what I call you.”

 

“Oh joy.” Jensen grinned, watching Jared toeing off his sneakers. “Get over here. I’m missing you.”

 

Jared went to cuddle, putting his back to the cushions of the sofa and wedging close to Jensen.

 

“This couch is too small.”

 

“It was never too small before you, buddy. Don’t hurt my couch’s feelings.”

 

Jensen thought for a moment before adding, “But we could always go look for a bigger couch, you know… together.” He felt about as subtle as a brick through a window, but he was trying.

 

“I… actually… there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

 

Jensen tried to face Jared and almost left the couch backwards before Jared caught him. Jared pulled Jensen’s knee across his waist and put a heavy curved hand to his ass, keeping him in place. Jensen had trouble thinking for a moment, feeling the heat and grip of Jared’s touch. Jared looked at him seriously, apparently not flirting as much as securing his audience.

 

“Jensen. I’m going to be moving out of the Ganymede House. It’s not a place to live. It’s a hospital. I don’t need to be monitored or guarded. I’m past that. I can take care of myself.”

 

“I’m here too, you know. I want to be. You aren’t going to be alone.”

 

“I know that.” Jared was speaking so carefully that it worried Jensen. “I have a place I want to buy. I am going to buy a house.”

 

“Really? Where? That big brick place you liked on Madison?”

 

“No, Jen. It’s not … in Dallas. Not right in Dallas. Just outside of the city. Almost suburbia but it’s country.”

 

“What? You mean you’re leaving Dallas? For good? Just like that?”

 

“Hear me out, Jen. Don’t panic. It’s not that far. I can drive into Dallas any time, easy. I just need some… space. I need to open my door and see grass and sky. I need it. I have to get some room to breathe.”

 

Jensen looked stricken, not having seen this coming at all. He was hurt, honestly. He felt disregarded. He searched Jared’s eyes and saw a near pleading there for him to understand Jared going away.

 

“I just got you, Jay. We only… started-”

 

Jared kissed his lips softly and whispered, “Then come with me.”

 

At Jensen’s shocked silence, Jared pressed his point.

 

“Come live with me. Be with me. What’s here that we can’t come back for? Tell me Chris and Steve wouldn’t like to come out and hang out at a place with grass and trees. Privacy. Dogs. A horse, if we wanted. Chairs on the porch, beer in the well-”

 

“There’s a well?”

 

“Yeah.” Jared smiled at the stray question and nodded. “I looked it up online. Saw the photos from the realtor. It’s a nice place. Nothing fancy or anything, but I’d feel… at home there.”

 

“And you want me… to move with you? Like leave my apartment and move to a farmhouse?”

 

“If you don’t think-”

 

“No, Jay, don’t get me wrong. It’s a big deal. It’s kinda huge actually. It’s the kinda thing that should have me freaking out. I mean really blowing my roof and not knowing which way is up…but…”

 

Jensen’s voice trailed off and he sat up on the sofa, Jared doing the same until they were facing each other.

 

“But?” Jared whispered, hopes on tether-hooks.

 

“But…it’s not just anyone. It’s you. It’s you, Jay- and I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you. I’ve never felt like this before. God, I… I- don’t hate me for saying this… don’t freak out but… I love-” Jensen had to swallow his nerves and get it out. “I love you.”

 

Feline eyes going round and awed, Jared saw Jensen paling like he had just confessed a crime. He held Jensen’s shoulders and drew him into a tight hug before kissing him. Jensen let himself be kissed for just under a minute before wriggling back.

 

“Jared.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah? Man, I just… I said that… and you didn’t say anything…”

 

“You mean you loving me?” Jared was perplexed. He smiled tremulously to Jensen. “You dumb ass. I thought you knew.”

 

“I am dying here. Please. Say it or tell me not to say it anymore. Don’t just look at me like I’m crazy.”

 

“Bad choice of words, Jen.”

 

“Uh- Jesus- Jay, I didn’t mean-”

 

“I’m fucking with you.” Jared laughed, hugging Jensen to him again. “I love you too. I thought you had me all figured out.”

“How could I- wait, you love me too?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then…”

 

“Hm?”

 

“I can go to the country.”

 

Jensen said it so evenly that Jared leaned back to see his expression better. He didn’t see any regret in Jensen’s clear emerald eyes. No resentment or disbelief. Jensen meant it.

 

“You can? With me?”

 

“I’m not going by myself.”

 

The words were gentled by Jensen’s smile as he leaned in and licked over Jared’s parted lips.

 

“I love you, Jared… more than anything.”

 

“Jen?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I really want to go to bed with you. Right now. Just… the pizza’s coming-”

 

“We can eat later.”

 

“But-”

 

“What do we care? We’re moving…”

 

Jensen grinned and stood from the couch, taking Jared’s hand and pulling him to his feet. He slid his arms around Jared’s waist and held him.

 

“Are you sure about this? Are you ready?”

 

“God, Jen. I’m so ready it hurts.”

 

“Me too.”

 

“No more waiting.”

 

Jensen took him at his word, leading Jared to his bedroom. He turned on the lamp and smiled, feeling almost shy himself. Did Jared even really remember before?

 

Knowing what Jensen was thinking about, Jared took off his shirt. He sat to the edge of the bed, removing his socks, whispering.

 

“Don’t worry. I Googled this. I know what I’m doing.”

 

Laughing faintly, Jensen undressed while trying not to lose sight of Jared, which made it trickier. He was bare and wanting while Jared skimmed off his jeans and boxer briefs. Jensen’s eyes were drawn magnetically to Jared’s arousal, his mouth watering. God. Jared was so breathtaking and took it for granted. He didn’t even know how special he was. Jensen was enraptured, seeing Jared stand by his bed, that sculpted body holding the sweetest, sexiest spirit he had ever known. Jared was his. He was Jared’s. It was new and as old as time. Jared looked at him and held out a hand, which Jensen took. He was slammed to Jared’s naked body, their mouths meeting in a demanding kiss.

 

They tumbled onto the on the bed, a novel Jensen had been reading was kicked to the floor but neither noticed. They pressed together, finding that angle to fit their hips and trap their shafts between them to tease and push. Jensen could not kiss Jared hard enough. He wanted everything Jared would give him. He slid a hand down to Jared’s cock and wrapped his hand around the monster. Smiling, Jensen raggedly whispered, “I want you inside of me, Jay…”

 

Groaning from Jensen’s educated touch, Jared lifted his hips, thrusting to the fist around him. He bit into Jensen’s shoulder and sucked the mark, wondering if he was supposed to be able to think. Making sentences seemed like a lot to ask of him right now. He wanted to coast on the rippling wicked pulse owning him right now, just stay in Jensen’s grin and never stray. Focusing, Jared bit into his lower lip, answering breathlessly.

 

“Me? You sure?”

 

“Yes…” Jensen knew what Jared meant by sounding surprised. Jared was hung. Really, truly gifted in his endowment. Jared‘s gift was about to become Jensen‘s if he had anything to say about it. Jensen knew enough about Tom to know Jared had never fucked the man, only had to take it. Jensen wanted to feel Jared inside of him. He wanted to make Jared shoot into him like a bolt of lightning. With a sigh of desire, he went down on Jared, not waiting or asking for permission. Jensen licked over the sides of Jared’s thickness, sucking over the lifted veins he traced with his tongue. He imagined this cock stretching him and it made his stomach tighten and pool with heat. He wetted Jared’s leaping cock with wide laps of his tongue, and then licked over his full balls, wanting his mouth full of Jared’s taste and scent. 

 

Being mouthed so worshipfully, Jared was in a state of pleasured shock. He had never felt this before. Not just sex, but what could come of being with someone you loved. Knowing they loved you. He knew Jensen was making it good for him, possibly trying to make him lose his mind. Jared was living to fuck him. It was working. He looked down, watching Jensen’s soft lips grazing his balls, the pass of his tongue sending jolts of sensation into Jared. Jared spread his knees wide and leaned back to his elbows, lifting and slowly moving his hips to Jensen’s mouth.

 

“Jen- can’t… take this…”

 

In reply, Jensen sucked the head of his cock with a popping sound , and Jared had to fist the bedding. He watched his cock sliding into Jensen’s eager mouth, hearing the ‘mmms’ of want Jensen made at tasting him. The furious throbbing of his cock was overwhelming and Jensen was not slowing down. He wrapped his tongue over and around the swollen dick stretching his jaw, not missing a stroke. He wanted to feel Jared in his throat but someone was making warning growls, saying his name in the dirtiest way he’d ever heard it.

 

Jensen opened his mouth as much as he could and felt Jared breach his throat, coughing at the thrusting cock that took his breath away. He gripped Jared’s thighs and lifted his eyes to Jared’s, showing how badly he wanted this. Jared reached down and snagged Jensen under one elbow, pulling him up his body. He slashed his mouth over Jensen’s, tasting himself in their frenzied licking and biting. Jared pressed Jensen to the mattress and looked down to him, panting for air. 

 

“You have lube?”

 

Nodding, Jensen pointed to the bathroom. Jared rolled from the bed and went to retrieve the lubricant. He poured the K-Y over his hand en route to the bed. Jensen emitted a stifled groan watching Jared liberally glossing his shaft in the slickness. He drew his knees up as the bed dipped under Jared’s weight. He was not sure what he expected- but Jared’s finger exceeded his limits.

 

“Jay!”

 

“Sorry…too much…just one…sorry…”

 

Jared rolled one finger inside of Jensen, touching and sliding that finger until Jensen nodded that he was ready for another. Jared dumped more lube over his fingers and thrust them into Jensen’s star.

 

“Okay?”

 

“God yes…your fingers…are bigger… than some guys’ dicks…you know…”

 

Jared flashed a smile and mock glared. “Don’t talk about other dicks.”

 

“Not… saying… I… felt em… just, I’ve seen…God… fuuuck… Jared…”

 

Jared agreed with that sentiment being moaned by Jensen. He loved watching his fingers vanish up to the knuckles inside of Jensen. It was erotic beyond belief. He spread his fingers and stroked over Jensen’s walls, finding that nerve bundle that made his boyfriend arch for him. Jared bent his head and licked at the tip of Jensen’s dribbling cock, humming to the flared opening.

 

“Shiiit. Jared! Swear to Christ…now… I want you…”

 

Jared licked up all the precum that Jensen had gifted him with and pulled his fingers free. He spoke rustily.

 

“Condom?”

 

“You didn’t bring any?”

 

Jared blushed hotly and winced. “No…”

 

Jensen looked at him a long moment and then whispered. “Just you and me, Jay. We promised. I trust you. You trust me?”

 

“Yes… I’ve always used protection. Always.”

 

Jensen pulled Jared over him, kissing him deeply, and feeling Jared’s tongue fucking his mouth in clear promise. Jensen tried to stay relaxed, supple and eager for what he was going to get. He still hissed when Jared started to enter him. The blunt thickness of Jared’s cock split him slow and gentle. It ached and yet felt so good. Jensen groaned into Jared’s open mouth and lifted his legs, his feet sliding over Jared’s ass. The strain of his pace showed on Jared, his cheeks were rubied and his eyes embers of desire. He rocked and slid into Jensen, the fit deliciously hard-won. He pushed until he was completely inside of the blond, staring to Jensen . He gave into his body’s needs and began pumping into Jensen, loving the short sharp ‘ohs’ and ‘fucks’ flying from Jensen’s lips. Jared grabbed Jensen’s hands in his and pushed his wrists to the bed, pinning him as he changed his angle to go deeper faster. Jensen never protested. They bucked and jerked in a wild chase towards orgasm. Jared loved every foul word that spilled from Jensen’s mouth, sucking Jensen’s lower lip until Jensen whimpered from it. Jared raggedly panted, jolting into Jensen with harder drives of his cock until he was skating that edge of needing to cum. He shuddered and gritted out.

 

“Jen- I’m close…”

 

Jensen grinned, eyes barely open as he whispered, “You going to cum for me, Jared? Make me hot…and messy… all around your big cock?”

 

“Fuck…” Jared’s head dropped, his hair clinging to his neck and temples wet with sweat as he tried to slow down. He looked down when he felt a smack to his stomach, seeing how Jensen was rapidly tugging and working his cock. “Oh God…yeah…harder, Jen…harder… I’m licking you up when I’m done… I have to taste you…”

 

That was the last thing Jensen heard before he was cumming and lifting his hips to take Jared’s pounding. He heard the yelps leaving his lips and could not stop, feeling Jared gush into him in a scalding spill. Jensen tightened his ass hard around Jared on purpose, earning a deep bass yell from his ejaculating lover. When Jared managed to open his eyes, he saw Jensen watching him blearily. Licking his lips, Jared pulled his soaked prick from Jensen’s body and then kept his word. He licked and sucked at Jensen until he was told ‘no more’. They curled around each other, Jared’s cheek to Jensen’s hair as they struggled to catch their breath. Jared felt his heart might fly right out of his chest. He smiled slowly and remarked.

 

“I feel…so good. You good?”

 

“Yes.” Jensen thought he might have taken some years off his life cumming so hard but it was worth it. He kissed Jared’s shoulder and nestled his head there. “You were…are… amazing.”

 

“I still need to practice.”

 

“Give me an hour, college boy.”

 

“M’kay.”

 

Jensen smiled at Jared’s agreeable timbre.

 

“When are we going to see this farmhouse?”

 

Jared sighed at the question and replied. “Soon as your ass isn’t too sore to sit? It’s a little drive.”

 

Snorting a laugh, Jensen retorted. “Smug much?”

 

“Just a little. Now. Because of you.”

 

“Well…I’m pretty proud of my boyfriend too.” Jensen tipped his head back and kissed Jared’s lips softly. “I love you so much. I would have driven out to visit you at your farmhouse if you didn’t want me moving in. I want you to know that.”

 

“I would have come here to see you, so we’re even.” Jared smiled, but inside he was deeply touched by Jensen’s words. Jensen would have come to see him. It meant a lot. It meant the world to him that Jensen was going to uproot from Dallas and come to live with him in a house he had not even seen yet. “And I love you too… but you’re lucky we don’t have a swear jar around or you’d be broke after sex.”

 

“Broke after sex is right.”

 

Jared laughed and slapped Jensen’s ass, pulling him tighter into his embrace.


	16. Chapter 16

It sort of broke Jensen’s heart when he looked at the belongings Jared had brought to his place. The plan was for Jared to stay with him, at his apartment , while they finalized plans to move to the house. Jensen mostly just wanted Jared with him, but it also would help them move things along, and Jared offered to help him pack. Jensen felt at a loss for words when he saw Jared’s neat stack of all he owned in the world. Sketchbooks were under a newly purchased laptop computer. To the side sat a suitcase of clothing, a knapsack of the same. One pair of boots, two pairs of sneakers as Jared was wearing the third pair right now. Jensen eyed the things Jared had brought, leaning to the doorway as Jared was in the room behind him, rustling through the refrigerator. 

 

“Jay?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I could go get your stuff.”

 

Jensen’s tone made Jared look up from the box of crab cakes he had pulled out of the refrigerator. He frowned and shook his head.

 

“I brought it all.”

 

“No…I mean… everything. I’d go get it. You wouldn’t have to have anything to do with him.”

 

‘Him’ was Tom, Jared knew. Jared did not want Tom in the room with them, not even in name. Some things could not be helped. If Jensen wanted to talk about his ex, Jared was going to deal with it. He sighed and put the food down to walk over to Jensen. He wrapped his arms around Jensen from behind, pulling him close. Jared kissed tenderly to his lover’s neck.

 

“I left all of that for a reason. I’m not afraid of him. It’s not like that. I realized when I packed for Ganymede House I basically took all the things I felt I had to have. My sketchbooks and journals and clothes. That’s it. It’s what I want. There’s nothing in Tom’s house that I want. Nothing. I don’t want you going anywhere near him either.”

 

Jensen stiffened and it was out of his protective urges, not because he was offended. He knew what Tom was capable of. What had been done to Jared. The abuse inside and out. The thought of it made Jensen so angry it almost scared him. He looked back to Jared over his shoulder, emerald eyes glittering dangerously.

 

“Why’s that? You don’t think I can control myself and keep from kicking his ass?”

 

With a half-laugh, Jared turned Jensen to face him and kissed the tip of his freckled nose, even as Jensen sulkily pulled his face back.

 

“No, I don’t think you’d control yourself all that well- but that’s not the reason why. I don’t want him near you because no one matters more to me than you. You’re my new life- he’s part of my old life. I want to… keep you clean of him. Free. I don’t want him to be part of us. He’s not. I don’t want him to be either. Do you see what I’m saying? I don’t want any contact with him and I don’t want him to be around my boyfriend either.”

 

“Did you send his ring back?”

 

God, Jensen sniped at himself inwardly. He was going to ask it later, casually. He had wondered where the wedding ring went, but he had planned to inquire like it didn’t matter. Now Jared was looking at him in bemusement, smiling a little.

 

“Sort of. I pawned it and sent him the money. I felt that was more apropos.”

 

“How so?” Jensen was lost. “Did he…buy it…at a pawn shop?”

 

“Oh hell no.”

 

Jared laughed and hugged Jensen, trying to ease the tension in him.

 

“Then how?” 

 

“I just knew it’d piss him off to get two hundred bucks for it.” Jared shrugged and sighed. “The ring was custom designed. Very pricey. I figured it’d burn his toast some to get change for it. It was a little petty of me, I know. I never said I was a nice guy.”

 

“You have your moments.”

 

“Do I?”

 

Jared’s nimble fingers stole up under Jensen’s t-shirt and he stroked over his boyfriend’s belly, tickling his bellybutton. Getting a happy shiver from Jensen made Jared push him to the wall, one leg sliding between Jensen’s. He heard the buzzer go off for the door as he was sucking hotly at the side of Jensen’s throat. Jensen moaned and ground to Jared, murmuring to him.

 

“S’Chris and Steve-”

 

“What do we care? We’re moving…”

 

Jensen laughed at Jared and shoved him back as the rhythm on the door buzzer started to get faster and more annoying. He had to adjust himself in his jeans on his way to the door. He hit the speaker button and cleared his throat before saying, “Come on up, douche bag.”

 

“Alright, fuck face.” 

 

Chris laughed over the speaker and they were in the door shortly afterwards. Chris was much more welcome once they saw he came bearing large pizzas and breadsticks. Steve came in just behind Chris, carrying a case of beer under one arm and a bottle of tequila under the other. Once they had attacked the food and opened a few beers, Chris looked to Jensen.

 

“So what’s the big news? We have a bet going. I say you two said the ‘L’ word and can’t wait to tell us and Steve says-”

 

“Steve says you’re moving in together.” Steve supplied on his own behalf.

 

Jared and Jensen shared a look before Jensen was smiling to his friends. Well then. Way to steal his thunder. But they didn’t know all of it. Their reaction to his news, he knew, was anyone’s guess. He could never call exactly how Chris might respond to something and Steve was even more of a mystery. He anticipated them being a little shocked at first, but they would know he was making the best decision. He was not a flighty person. That had to count for something. 

 

“You’re both right. I wasn’t planning on telling you that we said ‘love’- since that’s just… anyway… but yeah, we did and we do… and we are planning to live together.”

 

“Here?” Chris asked, spinning a finger in the air to encompass Jensen’s apartment before looking to Jared. “You need help redecorating, you let me know. This place looks like a depressed college chick lives here.”

 

“Hey!”

 

Jared smiled at Jensen’s huffiness as he answered Chris. “Actually, no, we aren’t going to live *here*.”

 

“You have a new place?” Steve inquired, lifting a slice of New-York style cheese pizza to his plate. “This place not big enough? Don’t you have a lease, Jen?”

 

Jensen took a swig of beer, swallowing it down hard. “It’s up in a few months, optional renewal. I just won’t be needing the place. We’re getting a house.”

 

“A house?” Chris made a little face. “What do you need a whole house for? Are you pregnant, Jenny?”

 

Snorting, Jensen kicked Chris’ foot and flipped him off. “Yeah, and it’s yours, Kane.”

 

“Oh, I knew I was good.” He grinned to his boyfriend. “I’m Jen’s baby-daddy, honey.“ Chris winked, lifting a brow. He nodded towards Jensen, sensing something was afoot. “So why a house?”

 

Jared knew Jensen was nervous telling his friends about leaving Dallas and all the changes they were making, but he was still hoping that Chris and Steve would be *happy* for them. It was not an inconceivable idea to live together obviously but the ‘where’ might be a shock.

 

“Jensen is going to live with me. It was my idea… I mean where we’re living. I’m buying the house. It’s a real nice place… and you two have an open invitation, any time. You can have your own room even.”

 

“Wow.” Steve wondered why Jensen was looking a little tense but hell, he was a big boy, right? Jensen could move into his new boyfriend’s place if he wanted to. Steve had a good feeling about Jared. The guy surely made Jensen glow, made him fall in love. Had to give him credit for that. Jensen looked good. “That’s great. Where’s the place at?”

 

“It’s a little ways out of Dallas…” Jensen said tentatively and that was as far as he got.

 

“WHAT? You’re …leaving? You’re leaving the city. You are packin up and leaving Dallas.” Chris spoke in rapid succession, staring at his best friend and then Jared before his eyes were back on Jensen. “Have you lost your mind? What about the college? The classes? Jared’s schooling? Your writing? Us? What about me, you ass? You can’t go live in the country. What do you know about living out of the city? You don’t even like squirrels.”

 

Jensen held up both hands, knowing Chris had to get it out of his system.

 

“Chris, man, calm down. First off, it’s not that far.”

 

“You’ve been there and back?”

 

“Yeah, we went out yesterday to see the place. It’s real nice. It’s not like a log cabin or a shack. It’s a sturdy old house. Two floors, lots of porches. Big attic and basement. It’s going to be a change but it’s not a working farm…” Jensen was using a soothing tone on his friend. “You need to come see it and quit freaking out.” Taking a deep breath, Jensen went on. “I am still coming into the city to teach the workshop and Jared is taking classes online. I can write anywhere, that’s not even an issue. It’s a change, but it’s a good thing, Chris. For me and for Jared. And squirrels are just big rats with good P.R., for the record.”

 

Jared felt awkward sitting there, feeling like Chris was going to think he was stealing Jensen away. Was he? Maybe a little, but he was willing to share Jensen’s time. Hell, he would let Steve and Chris live in the new house- he just needed to be out of the city. He rubbed over his eyes and gave Jensen’s friends a hopeful look.

 

“It’s for me, guys. I won’t lie about it. I need some time out of all this. Away. Out of Dallas and just get myself some down time. Jensen coming along… well I won’t say I don’t want him with me- because there’s nothing I want more… but I promise we’ll be visiting. I hate making y’all feel bad. I seriously do.”

 

“Jared.” Steve shook his head and tugged Chris into a hug as they shared the sofa facing the loveseat Jensen and Jared were on. “Chris’ll live. He’s just having himself a moment. He’ll understand that even if Jensen has *you*, he still loves his kid too. Right, Chris? Daddy can have a special friend, right?”

 

Chris elbowed Steve in the belly, not hard but enough to whoosh a laugh from his boyfriend. “It ain’t even like that. You two need to be thinking clearly. Remembering that you just met. You just started dating. You’re thinking with your belt buckles here. I get it. You like making out, having sex on tap. That’s all understandable but think it through. You’re supposed to like someone before you live together or someone might get smothered in their sleep. Living together is a big step- but this? You’re only going to have each other to talk to out there. Every annoying thing that happens is going to be even worse with just you guys being there. I’m telling it like it is. You think Steve’s all perfect and shit? Like he didn’t replace my real cow milk with rice milk? He has a crazy hippy friend that comes over and stays way too long. His dad calls at all hours. Oh and he collects lighthouses.”

 

Steve arched a brow at that rundown and rejoined. “My lighthouses are better than your Tiki mugs. Rice milk is better for you and there’s nothing wrong with Donnie coming over. You just didn’t like him calling you ‘Mrs. Steve’. My Dad likes to talk. He can’t help it. What about you leaving greasy motorcycle parts in the kitchen sink? Listening to the messages but never writing them down? Can’t lock a door to save your life either.”

 

“Well maybe *you two* aren’t ready to live together,” Jensen commented, “but we are.”

 

Giving Jensen his considering face, Chris finally sighed. Jensen was his best friend and he‘d do just about anything for him. Even wait to say ‘I told you so‘ when Jensen awoke in a cold sweat realizing he was in the boon docks and wanted to come home. Chris wouldn‘t even give him crap when he went to pick him up. “So, you’re moving. Green Acres and all. You need help?” Chris asked, nodding towards all Jensen’s stuff. “We can help. Got to see the love nest.”

 

“You aren’t mad?” Jared asked, hearing the hesitant note in his own voice.

 

Chris shrugged and shook his head. “Naw, I ain’t mad. Surprised but, if I was ready for y’all to live here in the city, I guess it ain’t so much of a stretch for you to… live somewhere else close by. I can deal with it. I want to see my new room. Steve will need his own room too, since I’m so bad with locks and being messy.”

 

Steve laughed and hugged Chris hard. “Quit bitching. I won’t be mean about your Tiki mugs any more.”

 

“And I won’t insult your light-tipped phallic symbols.” Chris replied, smiling sweetly.

 

***

 

The grocery store near the new house was not exactly huge. Jared understood now why the house had a large freezer in the basement. It would be a good idea to go to a bigger store this weekend and stock up the frozen food. Not that the market was bad or anything, but their variety wasn’t much. Pretty standard fare. Jared was trying to choose food to make for dinner, looking over the steaks. His mind was half on his shopping and half on his session with his doctors. He had not missed an appointment yet and that seemed to reassure Jeff and Dr. Beaver. They had been worried initially about his moving out to the country and then with Jensen. It had been a tense meeting at first and Jared had felt like he was telling his parents about his choices. Both doctors had shrewd eyes and this look like they were doubly concentrating as they asked him about why he felt the need to move. Why the house? Why the country? Why Jensen? Jared had fielded all of their inquiries until he was finally saying, 

 

“It’s what I want. It’s what I am going to do.”

 

The fact that he was a grown man helped, but Jared knew they worried. He had not had any breakdowns since being with Jensen, but that did not mean it couldn’t happen. He still had moments when he felt like the loss of his brother might hurt too much to bear, but if he cried in his sleep, Jensen always held him. Jensen would be there, his arms strong and his words soothing. Jared could talk about Patrick again, some at a time. He could share memories of Patrick, slowly and haltingly- because there were good times too. When it was just himself and his brother, it had been bearable. Jensen was able to listen to him talk and if his voice failed him, Jensen never pushed the issue or tried to change the subject like it was embarrassing or awkward. Jensen would wait, and sometimes Jared had more to say and sometimes he didn’t- but when he looked up, Jensen was always still right there waiting. Being in his life and heart. 

 

“Hey, man? Can I reach around?” 

 

Before Jared could turn to see who was talking to him, the guy laughed and added.

 

“Reach around for the steak, not *give* you a reach-around.”

 

Jared smiled and turned to see a young guy, about his age with white-blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail and merry eyes that seemed permanently squinted. The guy flashed him a grin and picked up a package of steaks, looking them over.

 

“Sorry, I was thinking.” Jared moved aside more. 

 

“No, no, it’s okay. Thinking should be encouraged. Way too many dumb asses in the world. I just have to get some meat home for my dogs. I promised. You new? I haven’t seen you around the neighborhood before and I never forget a face. I’m Chad, by the way…”

 

“Jared. Yeah, just moved into the old house off Brisby road?”

 

“Oh, I know it. Where all those chicks were murdered.”

 

“WHAT?”

 

“Kidding. Kidding. New place jitters?” Chad winked to Jared. “So you out there all by yourself or you have a wife and kids?”

 

“No wife. I’ve got a boyfriend though.”

 

“Oh yeah? You’re my first big gay neighbor.”

 

Chad chose another packet of steaks and looked Jared over.

 

“So are you the guy in this deal or is he? God, if he’s the guy he must be a pro-wrestler.”

 

Blushing hotly, Jared ducked his head as he found himself laughing again.

 

“We’re both guys. The guys, I mean. He’s six-two.”

 

“Wow. TWO big gay neighbors.”

 

“His name is Jensen.”

 

“Ah. Well that pretty much sealed the deal for him, huh?”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing. So you guys life partners or married or just having lots of greasy sex? Could you hand me those pork chops? Thanks…”

 

Jared handed over the pork chops and then remembered how to talk. Chad was a dervish.

 

“We’re together…but…”

 

“Hey, you want to come over for dinner some time? I live with my friends Mike and Drew, but they’re not as interesting as I’m bettin you are.”

 

“Thanks. I think.”

 

“No problem. Let me give you my number…” Chad wrote his number down on Jared’s palm with a grin. “Call me. We can talk and eat.”

 

“You’ve got dogs?”

 

“Yeah, I breed dogs and horses. It’s a good living. I mean *I* don’t breed with them, I breed them with each other. Horses with horses, dogs with dogs. Quarter horses, actually and the dogs are Labradors. You like labs?”

 

“Love-”

 

“Have to come over and see the place. Play with the puppies… okay, I got to hit the road. Call me…”

 

Jared was still smiling when he got home, finding Jensen on the back porch sitting in one of the old rocking chairs that came with the place. Jensen had his laptop open and balanced to his knees. He looked up and smiled when he saw Jared’s smile.

 

“Hey pretty baby… what’s got you so happy?”

 

Jared bent and kissed Jensen’s lips before he murmured. “I made a friend at the store. He wrote his number on my hand.”

 

Jensen snagged Jared’s wrist and saw the phone number and the name ‘Chad’. “Yeah…about that…I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t make friends like that…”

 

“Aww..” Jared chuckled. “It’s not like that, Jen. I told him about you. He raises dogs and horses…and wants to meet you…”

 

“Is he cute?”

 

“Not my type.” Jared whispered, licking into Jensen’s ear. “I have this thing for moody writer types with blond hair, green eyes and beautiful lips…”

 

“Sounds hot.”

 

“Is.”

 

Jared took Jensen’s computer and sat it aside, pulling his boyfriend after him to the backyard to take advantage of not having any neighbors for miles. 

 

***

 

As far as new friends went, Jensen wanted that for Jared, he really did. He wanted Jared to have friends. But of all the friends to have? Chad? The guy gave Jensen a headache. Still, he kept that to himself. He was friendly and all, but Jensen found him exhausting. However, between the two of them- Jared and Chad kept up with each other. They were watching comedies in the living room, making use of the overstuffed couch and talking almost nonstop during the movies. Jensen sat in a chair close to the sofa, working on a chapter of his new book while they were talking a mile a minute. He glanced up every few minutes when Jared would laugh, but that was to be expected. Jared had the sexiest, brightest laugh Jensen had ever heard. He never wanted to miss hearing Jared laughing. Jensen was in the middle of a fight scene he was writing when he heard a car’s engine outside. He glanced up to Jared.

 

“You expecting anyone?”

 

“No.”

 

Jared shrugged and frowned a little.

 

“Maybe someone’s lost…or it’s Chris and Steve?”

 

Living as far out as they did, they never expected random company. Jensen turned on the porch light and then walked out to the steps with Jared right beside him. Arms crossed, Jensen stared as a man walked away from his now dust smothered 2009 Lexus ES 350. It couldn’t be. The guy was tall, well built and dark haired, with large blue eyes seeming deceitfully pretty. It could not be-

 

“Tom.” Jared said flatly. “What the fuck?”

 

Tom looked over the house as he was leaving his car, registering that Jared had come outside with two blond men he didn’t know. One- he had seen in photographs that didn’t quite do him justice. Jensen. That was Jensen Ackles, the man that seduced and stole his husband from him. Tom saw Jensen looking at him with pure malice and tried not to look directly at the man again. He faced Jared instead and held up his empty hands, trying to look harmless. 

 

“Jared, I need to talk to you.”

 

“The hell you do.” Jensen growled, starting to move forward but Jared pressed a hand to his shoulder, keeping him back. 

 

“What do you want, Tom?” Jared sounded more weary than anything else. He did not know how Tom found his new house but here he was. Intruding. 

 

“Just to talk. It’s important. Please, Jared. I came all this way…”

 

“No one asked you to.” Jared responded before he saw Tom taking a step towards the porch. “You aren’t coming up here. You’re not invited into our home.”

 

Jensen wanted to smash Tom’s face in but Jared needed to know he was not defenseless around his ex-husband. Chad mostly looked confused but if Jared didn’t like the stranger, Chad didn’t either. Chad was gamely helping glare at Tom and Jensen liked him for that.

 

Tom glanced over Jared’s mutinous expression and sighed. God, he was beautiful. More now than ever before. It was obvious Jared was getting a lot of sun. His skin looked vibrant and gorgeous and the outdoors made his hair look streaked with dark gold in the sable. His body had filled out as well, muscles more toned and taut. Tom lowered his chin and spoke just to Jared.

 

“Can we talk? Just talk, then I’m gone- out of your hair. Promise.”

 

“He doesn’t have to do shit for you to leave.” Jensen finally broke in. “I can toss your ass into your car and you’ll go the fuck away…off the property. Say what you need to say from the damned road.”

 

“I didn’t come to fight.”

 

“No you never wanted to fight Jared…You just wanted to abuse him. I get the difference.”

 

“Jared?” Chad whispered, “You want me to call the police?”

 

“No.” Jared tried to give Chad a reassuring look. “I’m going to see what he wants and then he’s going to leave-”

 

“Jared-” Jensen could not believe Jared was going to talk to Tom.

 

“Please. Jen. Please. I need to do this. For me.” Jared turned towards Jensen and kissed his cheek, hugging him. By his ear, Jared murmured. “Trust me.”

 

“It’s not *you* I don’t trust…” 

 

“Trust in me too.” Jared kissed Jensen’s lips softly and then walked down the steps. He hear a low curse word from Jensen but his boyfriend stayed on the porch with their anxious guest. Jared stood by Tom’s car and met his ex-husband’s eyes. “What? What do you want?”

 

“You. Just you, Jared.” Tom shook his head, speaking softly as he stared at the man he loved. “I was so wrong about you, about us. I made mistakes but I’m willing to change. I want to change. I want my husband back-”

 

“You never had a husband. You had a toy. I’m not that anymore for anyone. You go ahead and change though. I can’t say that wouldn’t be a good thing. For your sake, at least. But it doesn’t have shit to do with *me*, Tom. There is no ‘us’ and never will be again. I have my own life now…and you’re not going to be in it.”

 

Heart beating faster, Tom frowned as Jared shot him down. Acted like there was no hope when Tom knew there was. They still had passion, mutual attraction. They could make a fresh start.

 

“Jared, I went and bought your ring back from the pawn shop. I had it professionally cleaned. I didn’t want to see it go. I can’t see *you* go. I love you. I always have. I just … I wasn’t as good to you as I should have been, but I want to be. I need you. You don’t even know how much.”

 

“I know you don’t like being told ‘no’.” Jared responded, sounding disgusted. “But it’s still my answer. Get in your car and go the fuck away.”

 

Tom could smell Jared from how close he stood. The scent of fresh, clean skin and fabric softener, Jared’s sweet musk taunted him, making him remember kissing Jay’s mouth as his husband gasped under him. Sometimes crying or whimpering, but never asking him to stop. Jay had learned not to tell Tom to stop, to ask for any leniency in fulfilling his husbandly duties. Tom shook his head, saying softly, “I can’t help but feel you are blaming me for what happened to you. Your condition. I didn’t do that to you, Jay. I took care of you. I loved you and gave you *everything*. We can work out the rest.”

 

Jared gritted his teeth, glaring at Tom, shoulders sharply squared.

 

“I know you didn’t cause my disorder. No, you didn’t make me sick- you just took full advantage of it. Sort of like going through a dead man’s pockets. You didn’t kill him, you were just profiting however you could.”

 

“Jay-”

 

“I don’t like you calling me that anymore…but let’s just leave it at this- stay away from me. Don’t come back here. I don’t want to have to get a restraining order, but I will, Tom. Do you need that kind of trouble? Think about it.”

 

Tom’s lips pressed hard together while his eyes drilled into Jared.

 

“But I love you.”

 

“You don’t even know what that means.”

 

Jared heard an impatient sound from behind him and then Jensen whispering softly to Chad to calm him down. Chad wasn’t sure what was going on, but Jared knew his friend was worried. Nervous for him and that was terribly sweet. Jared was not going to make him wait, or Jensen. It was asking too much. 

 

“Go home, Tom.”

 

Jared turned to walk away and that was when Tom reached for him and grabbed his upper arm with biting fingers, jerking him back. Jared was startled by the act. He had not been touched that way since leaving Tom and he had never been threatened by Jensen. Not ever. He made a shocked sound and then he was being shoved back and away. It happened so fast that he had to ask Chad later what had actually happened.

 

Jared was on his way back to the porch when Jensen saw Tom’s face fill with fury and then the bastard was grabbing Jared. Jensen launched himself from the porch, ignoring the stairs as jumped down and hit the ground running. He was between Jared and Tom in a flash and pushed Jared behind him with one hand before he slammed his fist into Tom’s face. Tom was on the gravel with Jensen’s knee to his chest, yelling as he grappled with the other man. Jensen hauled Tom up by the front of his shirt and punched him again, wanting to feel Tom’s head snap back. He got his wish.

 

Long arms slid around Jensen, pulling him up and back from Tom as Jared said, “Jen! Jen! Stop!”

 

Chad was beside them now, opening Tom’s car door and narrowly missing the man’s head. “Get in, fucker. You don’t want to be helped..”

 

Tom staggered into his car, thinking dazedly that Evan had not properly described Jensen to him. Twink? Pretty boy? Jensen was pretty, yes, but he was insane. He was mean and a little crazed. Tom wiped grit and blood from his face, looking at Jay and seeing the enmity in his eyes. It was…really over. He had lost Jay entirely. When Jensen lunged for him, Jared was the only thing holding the man back and Tom knew he needed to get the hell out of there. Jensen Ackles was fucking nuts. 

 

After Tom left, Jared held Jensen, feeling him tremble with his upset. He turned Jensen in his arms and kissed his mouth deep and full. Hauling Jensen closer, Jared calmed him with his lips and tongue until Jensen was looser in his arms.

 

“You hurt your hands,” Jared whispered.

 

“Worth it.” Jensen grimaced and shook his head. “Jared- if I pissed you off-”

 

“No…it didn’t piss me off. Caught me off-guard but… Jensen I can’t believe you did that.”

 

“It was kick-ASS,” Chad chimed in, lighting a smoke. “You were all bam-bam-bam-”

 

Jared nodded and kissed over Jensen’s chin. “I know it’s weird and a little deranged but- God I wanna fuck you so bad right now.”

 

“O-kay, well I’m going home now.” Chad held up a hand and waved to them. “Goodnight to you two.”

 

“Goodnight.” Jensen distractedly whispered before he was being pulled into the house.


	17. Chapter 17

The tension stayed over Jared for days after his encounter with Tom, but then he gradually began to relax. Tom had left disgraced and Jared wanted it to be over. He hated that Jensen’s hands bore evidence of the encounter. Despite his best efforts, Jared felt Tom had found a way to strike out at him. He understood Jensen felt it was well worth it, tender knuckles were nothing when he had gotten to slug Tom- but Jared could not quite agree. He did not like tensing when he heard a car outside of a creak of the old house around them. 

 

Chad had waved off Jared trying to apologize to him over the whole scene, seeming terribly well adjusted with strange drama entering his life.

 

“Dude, that was the most interesting night I’ve had in forever. Forget about it.”

 

Since Jared seemed dubious and still thought he might be losing his new friend- Chad showed up at the house with proof of his intention to stay on Jared’s short list of buddies. Jared was shocked and thrilled when Chad handed him a bundle of black fur.

 

“He’s for you.”

 

Jared meant to be a good host, but he forgot about the sun tea he had made and the sandwich stuff on the sideboard in the kitchen. He was busy holding the fat little Labrador retriever puppy that was the most beautiful dog he had ever seen. He called Jensen and told him the news while cuddling his puppy, ending with assuring Jensen he was going to buy the food and supplies himself. At Petsmart, where he could take the puppy inside with him. Jensen was genuinely pleased, and Jared could tell. There was no pretense with Jensen and it was a rare and beautiful aspect to Jared. Some people might think Jensen was curt or too bold in what he said, but after living with someone that lied like they breathed- Jared would not have Jensen be any other way. Since the puppy was so round that his belly grazed the floor, Jared named him ‘Lowrider’. Jared was in love with the puppy and Jensen summed it up that night when he first saw the new baby, saying, “Awwwww…. Come here, buddy…” That sealed it.

 

Life was pretty good, but still Jared worried over Tom. Tom had been in his yard and Jared hated that. He told Jeff about the ‘visit’ and Jeff urged him to file a restraining order. Jeff was not shy about telling Jared that ‘things had gotten out of hand’. But when Jeff stressed that Jensen might face assault charges and it could help the case if it could be proven Jared had been the victim? That Jensen was defending Jared? That finally lit a fire under Jared and he filed for the restraining order, having Tom served the papers. It was strange because Tom had served Jared with divorce papers and now Jared was returning the favor in a way. He wanted to explain to the court clerk that he would rather not have to do this, go through the process and hassle but also have to let Tom know he was worried. The clerk would have told him she had heard it all before and to watch out, ex-husbands could be loose cannons. But Jared never said anything to the older woman but ‘thank you’ and her only response was ‘Welcome, hon.’ 

 

Despite their happiness, Jensen knew Jared was in a black mood over Tom being close to their house. Coming out of the city to track Jared down like he had just wandered off or something. Jensen understood Jared’s frustration, but he also believed sometimes violence was the only answer. He kept that to himself. He was not surprised when Jared had nightmares for a few nights after Tom’s appearance either. Jensen brought Lowrider into the room and the puppy stayed with in Jared’s arms, content to do his part making Jay feel better. Jensen stayed up with his boyfriend, talking in the velvet darkness until the pale light of morning when Jared would succumb to sleep. 

 

Jensen stayed home more himself, calling a colleague to cover his work shop at the college. He did not want Jared alone right now. The restraining order was a relief in some ways, but Jensen noticed Tom had not sent any cops his way. Please, Jensen silently prayed, don’t let the bastard feel the need to get petty over the restraining order. He had taken Tom’s measure. Not just from seeing him in the flesh and watching his body language around Jared, but also from all Jared had told him. Jensen suspected Jared left some things out to spare him. Jared might not call it that, but Jensen detected Jared’s need to keep him separate from the unpleasant parts of his life. Jensen wanted every part of Jared, and he didn’t want secrets between them. He did not want Jared to pick and choose what he felt was acceptable to tell him. He held his tongue about it because Jared deserved his time too. Jared had suffered trauma and did not need to be told he wasn’t doing what he should. Jensen could wait. He told himself to be patient. To not just demand a level of comfort and trust from Jared right away. Rather, he could build that bridge between them. Giving himself to the effort and knowing it was the most important thing he had ever done.

 

Jared did not warrant less from him.

 

He applied himself to cheering Jared up again and planned a barbeque, inviting over Chad and his friends as well as Chris, Steve and even Jeff Morgan. Jensen felt exceedingly generous in having the doctor over because he could tell Jeff liked Jared. a lot. Not in way that Jensen could point out without sounding jealous and a little paranoid, but he could tell. Jeff’s eyes lingered too long on Jared and he did not warm up to Jensen. Jensen did not need Jeff to be his buddy, by any means, but he knew on a primal level that the other man wanted what he had. He knew if he wasn’t in the picture, Jeff might have made a move on Jared- and Jared might have liked it. Jensen reminded himself that thinking was not doing. He trusted Jared. Completely. He was just feeling possessive and trying to overcome it. But did they have to hug so much? 

 

The cookout dinner went off without a hitch and everyone had a good time. Jared, of course, offered to let everyone stay over, but Chad and his friends waved it off and headed home. Drunk as tequila worms, Chris and Steve gladly headed for their room and slammed the door behind themselves. No one wondered what they were doing before bed. Chris had slurred it all the way to their room, thinking he was whispering about slamming Steve into a body cast. Which was meant to be romantic. Jeff gave Jared a hug and nodded to Jensen before heading for the guest room. Finally, Jensen thought, they were alone. He pulled Jared to him when his boyfriend started towards the door.

 

“Where do you think you’re going?”

 

Jared grinned, knowing that tone of voice from Jensen.

 

“To pick up the yard? There’re bottles and paper-plates-”

 

“We can get it all in the morning. Come to bed.”

 

“But it’s a mess and you don’t like messes.”

 

“I won’t be thinking about it.”

 

Jensen pulled Jared into their bedroom and closed the door. They undressed rapidly and then fell to their unmade bed. Jensen had quit making his bed every morning once he had Jared to throw on it instead. He stretched out over his lover, arms braced to either side of Jared as their mouths melded together. Jared tasted so sweet, gusts of his breath being Jensen’s now. 

 

“You know what I wonder, Jay?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“What I ever did…to be lucky enough to get you…have you to love.”

 

“Jen…”

 

Jared felt the bite of almost-tears at his eyes and cupped Jensen’s face, staring at him with wonder. He felt his heart turn over in his chest and start beating again.

 

“I love you so damned much, Jen…”

 

“I know you do. I love you too…now I’m going to sound crass but… I want to…”

 

A soft laugh. “I know.”

 

They had no idea anyone was watching them. They never saw a shadow by the window or the angry look in uninvited eyes.

 

Jared pulled Jensen close to him and kissed him with true hunger. He rolled them until he was over Jensen and reached down, stroking and palming Jensen’s gorgeous length. His breath came quicker when Jensen ground to his touch, showing how ready he was for more. 

 

“Jared, either way, but soon…”

 

That made Jared smile and he was reaching over to the bedside table for the lubricant in a flash. He glossed over his shaft from head to base, seeing Jensen’s eyes flash. Then he slid a finger into Jensen, readying him. Needing him just as badly as he was needed. He worked his cock into Jensen and drank in every pant and flinch from him. The searing heat of Jensen wrapped around his phallus with constricting welcome, drawing him deeper. Jensen looked so good this way, biting his bottom lip or the side of his fist, lifting and turning his hips to take it. Jared shuddered and dropped his head, buried to the hilt before he started to pull almost completely free. Once he nearly slid out of Jensen, he drove his shaft home again. The rhythm was teasing, drawn out and making Jensen swear like a sailor. Jared smiled unapologetically to him and kept his own pace, not giving in when Jensen growled something about killing him in his sleep if he didn’t speed up. Jared sucked and bit over Jensen’s lips until the growls turned to purrs. He fucked Jensen faster then, broad hands cupping Jensen’s thighs and pressing up and back, moving Jensen over his swollen length. He watched how Jensen’s cock jerked and dripped for him, smearing to Jen’s flexing belly so beautifully.

 

This was better than good, surpassing best. Jensen wanted nothing more than to writhe for Jared, be owned by him totally. In every way. Jared was going so deep that it hurt, and Jensen wanted every inch. He loved the ache he felt in his ass and lower back from taking Jared, feeling that sliding thickness pull him open and then heat him, the friction setting off sensations that brought tears to his eyes. The sharpness of Jared’s full thrusts were enough to make Jensen lose himself, arching for more and grinding furiously to the man inside of him. Then Jared did the unthinkable. Jared stopped and pulled free of him. Jensen gasped and then whispered, “Jay…what-”

 

Jared upended the lube over his hands and then he was double fisting Jensen’s cock, wetting him down thoroughly as Jensen moaned in desire. 

 

“I know, I know…”

 

Jared whispered the words and then he was moving over Jensen, lining up his body to take Jensen within himself. Jensen had said ‘either way’ and Jared took him at his word. He rode Jensen, to the hilt, smiling down to him when Jensen lovingly called him a ‘hot bitch’. Jensen could say whatever he wanted when he felt so good. When Jared orgasmed, he shot over Jensen’s heaving stomach and then sat still as Jensen thrust his own release into him. They fell together kissing, mouths claiming and giving in the afterglow. 

 

***

 

Jensen awoke and blearily looked at the clock. It was almost four in the morning and he felt the beginnings of a hangover coming on. Damned tequila. That stuff should be illegal. It was not just alcohol. It was alcohol that punished you hard core for drinking. He swore off the stuff every time he felt this way and then it came back and he broke his vows. He rolled gingerly from bed, seeing Jared sleeping looking so at peace. Jared was fully nude and sprawled out, tempting Jensen to wake him up in interesting ways. Instead, he draped a sheet over Jared, knowing he might get cold. Jensen pulled on a pair of pajama pants, drawing the tie at his waist as he left their bedroom. On the way to the kitchen, he head shuffling from the living room and smiled as a furball joined him. Lowrider liked being able to come and go from their bedroom and was shut out when they made love. Jensen smiled to the puppy, knowing he would be taking him out to do his business before going back to Jared with their ‘kid’.

 

“Hey, Low. You hungry? Shock. Come on. I’ll split a bottled water with you.”

 

Lowrider gamboled along around Jensen’s feet and was happy to get a grilled hamburger from the leftovers. Jensen even heated it for him and cut it up before he was sticking to his word and pouring some water into the puppy’s bowl. Lowrider chomped his dinner happily and then had himself a nice belly rub from Jensen. 

 

While the puppy was digesting, Jensen took a few Advil and drank some more water. Jared barely drank so he would be just fine come morning. Jensen was a little jealous.

 

“Alright, baby boy, let’s go do what needs doin.”

 

Jensen scooped up the Lab puppy and carried him out to the yard. Lowrider would be a big dog someday, but right now he was still afraid to walk across the porch in the dark. If carried to the yard, he was fine- as long as one of his masters stayed right there where he could see them. Usually, he darted off like a shot once his feet hit the grass, knowing what was up. Tonight though, he shrank closer to Jensen’s legs and barked. It was not his ‘let me out’ bark or ‘what the hell was that’, it was something new. Jensen looked around, scanning the night and wondering if the puppy was smelling other animals. Maybe raccoons even.

 

“Hey, buddy, it’s okay…”

 

He went into a crouch beside the puppy, seeing its hackles were up, feet braced wide as its barks ended almost in howls.

 

“You are going to wake everyone up.”

 

Those were Jensen’s last words before he was kicked hard in his back. He went into the dirt and was sure he was on top of Lowrider, naturally trying to roll to the side even as the pain registered. He looked up with wide eyes as Tom stared down at him. The man was unshaven, his hair hiding most of his face as he growled to the fallen Jensen.

 

“Never again. You will never touch what’s mine again!”

 

Tom stomped Jensen’s hip and thigh, but Jensen was getting up. He was stunned from the blows, his back hurting violently even as he threw a punch at Tom. They struggled, locked together and the puppy was yelping and growling in turns, ineffectual but determined. Jensen was seeing stars when Tom started to choke him, trying to peel the man’s hands from his throat. He clawed Tom’s skin and twisted in his grip, but he was not making progress. Couldn’t breathe. Almost couldn’t think. 

 

Smiling, Tom threw Jensen down and savagely kicked his stomach and chest.

 

“You think you can take what’s mine? I’m going to fuck you out of his memory, Jensen. He isn’t going to remember anything about that boy that died for him. Isn’t that tragic?”

 

When Jensen tried to rise, Tom covered him, straddling Jensen and using his knees to pin the injured man’s arms to the ground. 

 

“You’re going to die, right here in the dirt…and I am going to love every second of it. Jared’s coming away with me. Some place real private. Where we can be together…and no one will ever break us apart again. He’ll see how wrong he was….”

 

Tom slid his hands around Jensen’s neck, knowing he had already crushed the man’s voice. All Jensen could manage was panicked breaths that were eaten up by the avaricious night. Night was the true time of predators. Hiding them until the time was right to strike, giving cover after the deed was done. Tom held onto Jensen, thinking of Jared’s kisses to the throat in his grip. How Jared had let this piece of trash inside of him- and fucked him in return. Tom had never seen Jared so willing, so very… eager for sex. He had been betrayed. But that was all going to change. Once Jensen was gone, Jared was coming with him. He had it all planned out, having bought a little place in the wilds of Montana. They could be alone there, cut off from the rest of the world and its meddling. Who knew, maybe ‘Sam’ could be brought back out. Tom really wanted a piece of that.

 

He was so fixated on strangling Jensen that he never saw Jared coming up behind him. He was watching Jensen’s lips turning blue when the two-by-four of wood was slammed into his temple by an enraged hand. The blow to his head was followed up by Jared’s foot cracking two of his ribs in an effort to get him off and away from Jensen. Tom made a strange fluting sound before he fell back from Jensen. He hit the ground and Jared was yelling for Dr. Morgan. For Chris and Steve. Screaming as he thought he was finding Jensen dead. Jensen was covered in dirt and blood, broken. Just lying there, the color leeched from his skin. Jensen. Just like Patrick. All the air squeezed from them, blue lips, bruised eyes- so pale and cold. Never coming back again. All his fault. Jared was holding Jensen when Chris pressed him back the best he could and checked Jensen’s pulse, in a daze himself. The pulse was there, stronger than Chris expected and he was terribly glad of it.

 

“He’s breathing, Jared. He’s still breathing. He fainted…just fainted…fuuuck…”

 

Jared was crying as he stood, not able to stop himself from hefting the wood and walking towards Tom. Jensen had almost died tonight. Maybe it was a sign that *someone* was meant to leave the world here and now. Tonight. Because letting it go might mean next time, he would be too late. Next time, Tom would be alive and Jensen would be gone. Could he really let that happen? No. He was as sure as death itself as he looked down at his bludgeoned ex-husband and lifted the wood to finish him off.

 

Jeff pushed Jared back and shouted close to his face.

 

“Jared- NO! No, no. Look at me. Look at me, he’s going to go to jail for this. He’s going to be locked away. You don’t want to murder him.”

 

Jared was panting raggedly and turned shocky eyes to Jeff.

 

“I’m not murdering him. I’m stopping him. For good. He will never stop.”

 

“Then let the law stop him. If Jensen was awake, he‘d say the same thing. Not like this, Jared. You can‘t do this. Listen to me, it‘s over. You can‘t murder a man in cold blood. He will be stopped, but not like this.”

 

Jared felt the white-hot rage slowly receding and he looked only to Jensen, hazel eyes lost. If Jensen had died…

 

“Come with me, Jared. Over there. To Jensen. He needs you.”

 

Jeff spoke rapidly, seeing Steve on the phone with the 911 operator, telling what had happened. The doctor pulled Jared with him back to Jensen’s side.

 

“Let me check Jensen. I need you to stay here with me. Don’t go near Tom. Chris, can you keep an eye on Tom?”

 

Chris nodded and Jeff added, after seeing his face. “Don’t touch him unless you have to. Unless he’s conscious and trying to attack.”

 

Jeff was specific enough to ruin Chris’ plans, but the man still went to stand guard. Jeff checked over Jensen and shook his head at the black and violet bruises over the man’s throat. Tom was never going to be able to hush this up. He meant to do murder and be on his way. It was plain to see, Tom was not even thinking to be careful, not once he was mad enough. His fingerprints would be all over Jensen and his blood was under Jensen’s nails. God. 

 

Eons later and all too swiftly, there were emergency vehicles dominating the lawn. Lowrider was tucked into Steve’s arms as Steve and Chris gave their statements to the sheriff. Dr. Jeff Morgan was filling the ear of the police that had also arrived, telling them Tom’s connection to Jared. He told them about the restraining order and the earlier altercation when Tom had just shown up wanting Jared back. The paper trail was damning, especially when Tom’s vehicle was searched and they found ropes, sedatives and handcuffs. 

 

Tom was taken under police guard to the hospital, his head injury looking serious. He would live, yes, but it was not going to be a good life by any means. 

 

The ride to the hospital in the back of the ambulance was surreal to Jared, and he kept one arm across Jensen’s stomach, trying to hold him around the cords and wires of the equipment. He was grainy eyed by the time they were in the E.R.. Jensen was taken away from him and Jared stood in the chilly waiting area in just his flannel pants. Jeff, Chris and Steve arrived shortly after, Jeff handing Jared clothes. He had packed clothes for Jared and Jensen both, knowing it had slipped their minds. The four men waited quietly and then Chad joined them. Chris had called him, and unusually silent, Chad sat by Jared, an arm thrown across his friend’s shoulders.

 

Two and a half hours later, the doctor came out to tell them Jensen was going to be alright. The police were taking samples from under his nails and photographing the marks on his body, lifting Tom’s fingerprints from his skin. Jared was allowed to go in, to see Jensen, and he stayed there until Jensen was awake. 

 

Jensen was not able to speak clearly for a week, but then he was whispering. He was home again, seeing how on edge Jared was. Even when Tom was sentenced, Jared was edgy. Tom was charged with attempted man-slaughter, aggravated assault, and a host of other crimes that added up to twenty five years. Twenty five years in prison. Tom’s lawyers were good, but with so many witnesses and Dr. Jeff Morgan’s own testimony, he didn’t have a prayer. Jared stood on the porch of his home, looking to the spot where Jensen nearly died. He felt Jensen’s arms slide around him and took a shuddering sigh.

 

Softly kissing Jared’s shoulder, Jensen hugged him, knowing how conflicted Jared felt about that final night with Tom. He whispered, “I am glad you didn’t, Jared.”

 

Jared nodded, tears thick in his voice. “I wanted to. I still wish I had.”

 

“No… he doesn’t deserve to win. If you had killed him- maybe they would have taken you away from me. We’d be split up…over him. That’s not what you want.”

 

Knowing what that speech cost Jensen, how words still hurt his healing vocal chords, Jared turned to embrace his boyfriend. He held Jensen until they both stopped shaking.

 

“No, that’s never what I want. Are you okay…staying here? Even after…?”

 

Jared’s question made Jensen close his eyes a second before he looked back to Jared.

 

“It’s the place you chose. It’s where we live. It’s us, ours… no one can take that away from us.”

 

Jared kissed Jensen gently and whispered back. “I just wanted to be sure. I think I can let it go… be happy… I just… he’s not gone forever.”

 

“We will deal with it…when we have to. I love you. I love you forever. No one’s taking that away.”

 

As it turned out, no one was. When Jeff called a few months later to tell Jared that Tom had met an early demise in prison, Jared was not sure how to take the news. He was not even positive how to tell Jensen. He felt elated. Strangely elated but also sickened by his reaction. He did not want to sound excited when he told Jensen that there was no threat hanging over their heads. His ex-husband was gone and never going to ghost around a corner or disrupt their lives again. Tom would never show up and leave them bloodied or dead. It was finally over. The media saved Jared from having to break the revelation to Jensen. Since it was all over the evening news, Jared never had to say the words. It seemed Tom had met his match when trying to bully the wrong people.

 

Given time, Jared quit having the nightmares. He found himself relaxing again and living. Truly living. He was happy and his joy of life spilled out to everyone he came in contact with. It was two years later that Jensen proposed to him, and he accepted.

 

No one was surprised at the large turn out to their wedding, or how both sides of the church were so full.

 

The End.


End file.
